Monday, November 29, 2004


snowflakes falling, even as little as they are, for we don't get much snow in, thanksgiving has come and gone and soon it will be christmas...but for now, i'd like to take this journal in another direction at the moment-my depression and work one supervisor i have expects me to be normal in life and there just isn't anyway to do that anymore since my mental illness although the psychotic side is under control, i struggle with depression often i have a chemical imbalance in my brain which creates my depressive state    my supervisor seems to think it's like her depression she experienced, about life and the job, but as anyone who knows chemical imbalances are not the same as situational life depression   i've always described it as a light switch turning on and off in my brain when i get depressed   feels like a electrical current running thru my brain for a moment, literally, and then i'm depressed   i can be depressed for as little as 24hrs and up to a week or longer sometimes   and blues just don't go away by 'cheering up'    alot of the times i can still be happy, laughing, sunnyside up, while feeling the blues, but i have my days when that's not the case at all    nothing i do helps the depression when i'm really blue   it's debilitating   there are days all i can do is curl up with my dogs for some nurturing   that is the only thing that works   although i know its only temporary for those days, it feels like a lifetime for the whole day   quite frankly it sucks BIG time   it's really undescribable and wouldn't wish it on anyone   you just lay in bed all day or do little as possible   no motivation, no will power, no zest, nothing    as i said, it's debilitating    ....i am thankful to be alive and well, and my illness has taught me appreciation of life like nothing else has    so much we take for granted being 'normal'     so i enjoy every moment, every day, as much as i can    there is only NOW in life     yesterday is gone and tomorrow really never comes     take each day to smell the flowers, hugs your kids, or just embrace life with all the love you have.......

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