Tuesday, August 30, 2005

you're right jimmy

since opening a door to kyle freeing him to talk to me, he has opened up a lot    you were right jimmy   i did more than i had realized   but i'm happy he has a place to unload...i also learned, or relearned, a little more of the hypocrits some of my family are    i want a divorce from them dammit....anyways, i'm beginning to see some similarities between my nephew and me   some things, or people, like my family have never changed   not even since i left 25+ yrs ago   o well,  Happy i'm in New Mexico and they're back in the midwest   God bless them all anyways   maybe one day they'll learn...then again, maybe not......

everyone in j-land have a great Labor Day weekend....cya soon!

Monday, August 29, 2005

the secret

good mornin everyone    i'm draggin my feet about getting to work, so i thought i'd post the news regarding Kyle & Nicole   i was reluctant to post it initially wanting to wait a couple more months, but i'm excited and must tell someone   so j-landers i'm revealing it to you.....they made another baby already   they're pregnant   about a month & a half to 2 months along (according to Nicole)   Nicole thinks she knows the gender of the child already, but i thought the baby had to be developed further along for this   i don't know?   i bought them a book at a yard sale on saturday regarding what to expect when expecting   THINK I need to read it ...anyways,   that's the news   i hope all works out for them this time .....

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Bad Boys II

we interrupt this movie for some football....we were watchin this movie tonight when Kyle comes in with the football sayin we're goin to stop the movie and go out and play some football   i say 'OK'......     'really?.....'yes' ......'Cool' was his reply ...so we went out under the street light and played ....finished the movie with great laughs too.....

what a way to top the day......

nite all....


i'm back...

it's now 7:15pm and i just got home   kyle is back picking up andre, tjnya's son from work then he'll be home    well ...it has been a long day    a good day, but long   i've been gone practically all day since making the previous journal entry   i decided to attend the 9 o'clock service   glad i did   Rev Jennie gave the service as a guest speaker and it was definitely something i needed to hear..so God has a plan for each of us   i wonder what it is for me   i suppose i'll know in time....anyways, while at church i learned i can only take one class at a time  which i had been thinkin of doing anyways   it's just Rev Patrick said i could take 2 and he wrote the policy stating otherwise   i guess he's forgotten   o well   one is all i really need at the moment.................so, after church i come home pick up my kids, kyle and jasmine   we head to the plateau for our walk   it lasted about 45mins   jasmine after awhile would just sit in the middle of the trail or head to a tree   once she got the tree idea that's all she did, head for the trees   i started laughing but kyle went and picked her up and carried her    she's still small   i'm still laughing about it......next after our walk, we headed over, picked up Tabou, then headed for our hike   i figured this was the best way to spend time with Tabou and get my hike in   well we hiked for 2hrs   i reached a point i couldn't go any further, so we headed back   not too far from the car Tabou was exhausted   she kept stopping me on the trail   i had forgotten this was the first time out for her for a walk, let alone a 2hr hike   so i've decided every sunday i'm taking her for a walk and every time i go hiking, i'm taking her along   she did really well on the hike   she wanted to greet everyone we came across so she's social   i took her off the leash momentarily and she stayed with us on the trail   we just kept running into people and so i put her back on the leash   she's a great rottie   a real sweetheart   it'll be great fun to have her with me when hiking   my dogs are accustomed to not being leashed and just running   so Tabou will be much easier on the trails  ....well kyle and i are both exhausted from the hike   i thought sure he had more energy, but not   so he's not even headed for the roller rink    so we'll chill tonite with another movie, although i'd like to get back to my book   maybe before bed  ....all in all it's been a good day  ......now for the latest with kyle & nicole, i'm going to wait a smidgen's longer to allow others to guess who haven't tuned in yet today...manana

and sorry no pics yet   i'll keep tryin   i forgot the camera on our walk and the kids were too tired when we got home   i don't have a flash and the indoor light was too dim   soon,   but not soon enough....


so...how is everyone this day?   i'm sittin here this morn contemplating what time to attend church   since the past couple days i haven't been able to read my book, think i'll wait til the 11am service although i much prefer the 9am service   who knows by the time i finish this entry i may change my mind   it's going to be a full day  and i want to get a hike in today   i'm also going to see Tabou for her mother hasn't been playing with her for a couple weeks due to a toe injury   it's enough she leaves her outside all the time and not get much company   so, Godmother K will go play with her today   she's getting bigger   maybe i'll take her for a walk in the park    it all depends on time    i'll manage somehow   besides my hike & church, i need to grocery shop while kyle is rollerskating this evening   plus i wanted to take my kids for their walk    hmmmm....back to the 9am service 

anyways, kyle cleaned house for us yesterday   he does a really good job and i don't have to tell him to do it    i gave him a hug and thanked him and said he could go roller skating   he needs to get out of the house and let some steam off    he was headed there last nite, but it was too late    so we took Tjnya to walgreens drug store then came home and watched The Fast and the Furious   it was pretty good   kyle must know every movie there is   and remembers every detail about them    he sat and told me a little about last nite's movie    anyways, think i'm headed to church     i'll come back and let you know the news regarding Kyle and Nicole    anyone want to guess?

Friday, August 26, 2005

number 5

hmmm,  where to start tonite   maybe with 3:30am   my neighbor called me at this hour and asked if i was busy   i said yes and hung up on him   i don't even want to know why he called and i haven't seen him today   this is good...

now for this evening   my nephew and i went to the mall for a baseball cap   i need a new one   i don't feel like 'Life is Good' or 'Lucky 13' at the moment, my other 2 caps, sooo it was off for a new one   i wanted an American Eagle baseball cap i had seen a few weeks ago, however those were no longer available or at least not tonite   so we walked the mall  and walked the mall and ended up in Hat Zone   we were there for at least a half hour if not longer   it took me forever to decide   either another NM Lobo hat, or a Washington Huskie hat    so i browsed and browsed some more   finally i went back to the Boston Red Sox baseball cap i initially saw   small B on it and red sox emblem on the back   i liked the blue color and the fit   of course if i had noticed the price before purchasing, i'd probably had settled on one of the other two   o well, we do live only once right?

as we walked tonite, i got my nephew to open up to me   something was bugging him since i had arrived home    he didn't want to talk about it   so i let him Be    finally after several hours of no talking, i told him that if whatever is eating him keeps eating him that i would rather he talked to me    not too long after that he did open up   i would like for him to get in the habit of talking to someone when something's eating him    it doesn't have to be me, but someone    i've learned not to let things stew inside me   and i told him we could end up thinking other things about the aggravating subject and get carried away with it    anyways, it seems i told him the right thing   he's got plenty on his mind besides not having a job, which we both are positive that is soon to change   he's been angry for not having a job   he knows he has responsibilities and would like to take care of them   so last nite, i got online and looked on the online newspaper ads   found some things he could apply for today and that he did    he's been, and is, making every effort possible   he's just not being hired Yet    it'll come thru for him and i have no doubt he has learned from quitting the previous job   i just keep encouraging him and he keeps going  ....

so what does number 5 have to do with anything?   tonite i found Potter's 5th book for $10, paperback of course    all my other copies are paperback and in the near future i will buy the hardcovers for my library   then once my babies (nieces and nephews' kids) get older they can read the paperback copies    currently i'm half way thru the 3rd book and hope to complete it this weekend    ....

for now, well maybe?, we are going to watch 'The Fast and the Furious'    another  Van Diesel movie   i had no idea he was even in it    if not tonite, i'm sure we'll watch it tomorrow evening   i just looked at the time and it may be too late for the movie   my bedtime is in twenty minutes   i'm finally beginning to feel i'm unwinding from the day   all ready to curl up in bed...

there's some other news that came to me last nite, but i'm going to hold off a little while longer before revealing it    yep, i'm keeping you in suspense   i can't even give a hint or you'll figure it out   it has to do with Kyle & Nicole   ...and speaking of which   i will be taking photos of Jasmine this weekend   maybe by sunday nite i'll have her pic posted   i realized a couple days ago due to my blues i just didn't get around to it last week   she's growing and playful as ever   never a dull moment around the house   i get a lot of laughs with her   just last nite she was playing tag with Charlie chasing him as he ran up and down the house    they're a lot of fun!

have a good one....laterz


Thursday, August 25, 2005


i started chewing on ice this afternoon after completing my soda out on the route only to taste my very salty lips - YUK!   i didn't know i lost soooo much salt while sweating in this heat and now with some humidity   i knew i got funky, but didn't know just how BAD it was till today    o well, so is the day in the life of a postal worker   the temps have cooled down 10degrees from last month and next to the mountains where i deliver there's a nice cool breeze to enjoy as well   fall is in the air and no doubt i must move closer to the mtns if not in the mtns by next year   living on the westside of the city it's hotter, longer   anyways, my goal for this next year is to be moved in that direction by the end of next summer  ...can't wait....

now my mood is great today   the blues have gone away and i saw my doc as well, my shrink   i check in with her every 2-3months and more often if need be   mostly though i see her every few months   my meds are working good overall   when i really need her, i call    i'll see her in 3 months:-)...so with my good mood, work was easy   i like it when i feel my old self   i feel and know i can do anything and am ready to kick some butt in some way, some how   i'm full of energy and ambition, but now i have limits     limits are good tho, therefore i don't overwork myself ...

well not much going on now   i'm halfway thru Potter's 3rd book   for my birthday i'm going to buy the last 2 books   will then start collecting them in hardback covers and loan out my paperbacks to my kids (nieces kids) when they get older   ...anyways, until something exciting, or not, happens,....laterz

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Chaos is good!

....and so my intuition told me this morn   i even discussed it with Rev Jennie and she agreed   this is when creativity is around   so now i perceive my life as chaotic   well my finances are anyways   and i discussed with Rev Jennie why we sabotage ourselves then feel like failure   something i already knew but thought she might shed some more light on the matter   we have a belief(s) within ourselves which keeps us setting up the same things over and over again   we first must become aware that we have a pattern  then look inside ourselves for what our beliefs are   she recommended writing them down   complete an unfinished sentence regarding the subject   allow it to flow from you  it will show itself    after discovering what we're stuck in, we then change our thoughts/beliefs regarding it by consciously working on it   so, i have some work to do   i know my financial beliefs originate in childhood   i need & want to get to the bottom of it all so i won't do this again   i deserve happiness no matter what form it comes in    i started actually workin on it a bit while driving home making some notes   this will be a good challenge   something worthwhile to work on other than work....

in the meantime, back at the ranch   Charlie is finally playing with Jasmine   she's been barking up a raucous the past few days and Charlie finally returned the favor   she didn't know how to take it at first   then he got her into a tug of war over a toy bear   he was so gentle with her    tha'ts my Charlie, my Not ferocious pitt   they've been playing ever since   as she gets bigger i figure Jimmy may play with her too   maybe Max, but Max is the oldest and really mellow   for now it's nice she has a playmate other than my feet...


i'm a bit in knots this morn   not too bad, but still...at least i woke to the fact that my Jimmy ate all his food last nite   he's been randomly eating and sparsely at that since Sadie's been gone   hopefully he's over his grieving period   they were together for 5yrs, the total time i've had them both   anyways, i'm happy he's doing better

as for me, i'm stumped    my nephew is eating and drinking me out of house & home   i think i've plenty of food only to wake up yesterday morn to all of it gone except chicken   he said he "didn't eat much" and initially he didn't   but nowadays it's like there's no tomorrow...lol    new plan on how to keep food & money available so i don't go hungry

now,  my neighbor is bugging me   i've come to learn what he thinks our relationship is and know it is NOT    he apparently thinks i'm his bank or something   every payday he comes wanting to borrow money   he literally expects me to give him some money all the time now   how this came to be i don't know   granted i had do some small projects for me and paid him   i also loaned him a 20 a couple times, BUT i never intended for him to believe as he does    he believes this because this is who he is    it's my impression he doesn't deal with life very well   he also drinks too much and i don't know how often he does his drugs   anyways, i've talked to him twice already about the money situation informing him i am Not his bank only for him to show up at my door last nite stating something about money this weekend (another payday for me)   he just doesn't get it   so my only option at the moment is to continually say NO to him until he gets it , if he ever does   all this for being neighborly  NO THANK YOU!   my nephew wants to put his foot up his a$$   i may let him one day   i've come to learn tho that there are people who for whatever reason(s) just go 'bad' in life no matter what kind of background they have   it doesn't mean they've necessarily had a bad childhood for i have seen his parents home and they are well off, not rich but well to do...anyways, i will be working on changing this relationship   it'll take awhile   it may take me moving out of here within the next 2 yrs which i still have in mind to move to my mountains or closer to them   i've been thinking about that a lot lately...anyways,  in time something will change

now for today, i'm having coffee for breakfast and some toast curled up with Potter again   then it's my nephew's job interview and coffee with Rev Jennie   finally i will tackle the house as well....

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Has anyone else seen this movie?   i just saw it tonite...interesting i suppose...i'm a lover of sci-fi and keep an open mind about E.T...anyways,  this was a little different take on space aliens   not sure what to think of the movie   i didn't find it scary   it didn't really move me one way or another   i was reminded that if E.T. does exist, i don't think the general population could handle the reality, or most of it anyways  ...anyways, just my thoughts on this movie

i'm feelin better today   tomorrow is my schedule day off for this week   if i haven't mentioned it before, i always have sunday off and the other day off rotates each week  every six weeks i finally get a weekend off, if i don't work it....well i've started book 3 of Potter   i must admit i'm hooked on them   plus all the reading will help prepare me for classes coming up    good way to exercise the brain ....so for manana, kyle has an interview, i meet Rev Jennie at Starbucks, and some good old house cleaning is in the works.....until another day,  take care...have a good one!

Monday, August 22, 2005

book 2

Harry Potter and the Chambers of Secrets finished.   i completed it today allowing to nurture me during my blues this morn    it helped tremendously   once the book was done, i took a nap and it helped even more  as if i just needed to sleep off the blues   waking to a rumblin stomach , i fix some popcorn and it fills me   now i'm just waiting for kyle to clean the kitchen so i can fix dinner   ribs again tonite   real food other than burger  my nephew is a burger eating kid  he could probably live on it...i'm still in my pj's enjoying the cool breeze   today is getting better, tomorrow should be great...

monday morn

it's monday morn and i swear it gets tougher to be motivated for work   i know it's time for vacation, but i'm out of vacation leave   even knowing i only have a few months retirement does not motivate me to be there   depression is depression and it engulfs me this morn   i will get to work but when is the question  and then for a moment i think not   it will all work out this morn   maybe if i just get myself moving    in the meantime, Jasmine has been attacking my feet this morn with her very sharp teeth   little munchkin!   ....yesterday was a chillin day   other than making it to church, i sat watched 'Deep End of the Ocean', Tiger playing golf (the only time i watch golf), and some mens volleyball (another favorite sport)   then i read several chapters of Potter's second book completing half of it   my heart, my mind, my soul is ready for a new life   it hurts too much to work at the po nowadays   it's a constant battle just to be there   being late makes for a long day and the conflicting attitudes from management aggravate the situation   some like me, others hate me   o well, life goes on   not here to make everyone happy and no way anyone can do that   it's none of my business what they think of me to begin with....the morning air is cool and my nephew left the swamp cooler on all nite   i woke up freezing   so now i'll go warm up with coffee and contemplate the day...

Sunday, August 21, 2005


Happy Birthday Ruby   100yrs old!   a member of our  church turns 100 this month  we celebrated with her at our service including cake    what a feat!

well i arrived back in church just in time for new classes to be registered   i asked Rev Patrick if it's ok to take more than one class at a time   one class is on Bible Wisdom, which isn't a credited class therefore i can take Roots, a creditied class simultaneously   both are rather long classes  10 weeks for Roots, 15 weeks for Bible Wisdom which we will use the Jewish bible i believe   anyways, great timing to feed my desire to know the Bible    i look forward to the classes and being at church again   i'd better get all the Potter books i can read before then   they start next month   i have a few weeks

...and how does Rev Patrick know i haven't been to church for awhile?  "a resurrection.." he said when we greeted...lol   well i'm Excited to be back there   i felt i went HOME today   i'm ready to celebrate my journey again   once and for all, i have arrived!

the bible....

good mornin' all....yesterday morn i began reading the bible   i've only read tidbits of paragraphs from time to time, but yesterday i decided to just begin reading the whole thing   my main focus is to know the teachings of Jesus so i start with the new testament   i began with Matthew and am still there   the book is what i've thought it to be for a decade now   a book of stories with great wisdom from its era   i discovered a tidbit of thought from our church as well   it follows:  Do we use it?  Of course.  Do we take it literally? No.....The Bible was written 2,000-3,000 years ago, by the Semitic people, for the Semitic people.  The Bible is a valuable and valid source of Truth when read and understood according to the authors' consciousness and heritage.  Truth is Truth, and the Bible must be read with an open mind, looking for the higher meaning in the stories, metaphors, and parables.  To fully understand the Bible, one must understand idioms and the psychology used by the men who wrote the book.  Yes, God did write the Bible, through the consciousness of human beings; therefore we must understand humankind to understand the book.

I desire to know the wisdom of the Bible and it's true meanings within the stories.  I desire to know and understand Jesus' teachings for what they really are.   Our Science of Mind book consists of Jesus' teachings, i finally remembered yesterday.  I know the Truth i'm looking for will take awhile to learn, but i'll perservere knowing i can better understand people in other religions a bit better.   Many have misinterpreted the Bible to some degree, but overall the wisdom of all religions have common threads...and we're all about knowing God.

also yesterday, i gave Jasmine and Charlie another bath   Kyle helped with Jasmine  she doesn't like baths yet so much   eventually she'll get accustomed, or at least i hope so   Charlie was a breeze to bath   like Max, he hopped into the tub and just stood there allowing me to bath him    after the bath everyone got a Milkbone treat, 2 actually.   the house is quieter nowadays without Sadie   i still miss her, yet still hurt & angry too    sometimes i desire to go to the pound to see her, but i know better not to do so   i know she'll find a home with her being the only dog   i underestimated her, but she's a good dog otherwise   one day....

Saturday, August 20, 2005

this morn i sip my coffee contemplating on the work day   i know i should go in, but i find myself in a loving space this morn   a ten minute phone call with Rev Jennie yesterday reminded me of Love   i felt sooo much love after that phone call   is this what i've been missing not being at church?   is this why tears of joy roll down my cheeks in anticipation of actually going there?   is Love why i'm so overwhelmed at times while i do attend church?   such a simple answer as Love could be all that's been missing for me    well yesterdays' love has poured over into this morn   i don't want it to go away, yet it could do so easily once at work   i'm still contemplating   but for now i savor the moment  and maybe i can make it last all day long...

Friday, August 19, 2005

i don't always have to be right....

...and it is done unto you as you believe    for some reason these 2 thoughts spoke to me last nite as i laid down to sleep   i realized i've made some bad decisions in my life including recently   this summer has been a challenging one for me   a couple of belief systems arose that i didn't know i had    first for some reason unkown to me, i believe i'm a failure, therefore i keep creating failure    second, just recently  i realized i don't believe in relationships, romantic relationships that is, anymore    now how long i've been carrying these 2 beliefs within me i am stumped as to the answer   i have an idea about the latter belief, but the first i'm totally clueless   so i've been living a duality, which i think is normal   desire one thing, but believe otherwise   now the task is how to turn all that around   i know i'm not a failure, but i have been sabotaging a part of my life repeatedly for years (finances)    now i know i used to believe in Love,  i still do but not to the depth i once did    interesting i find myself with these    anyhows,  i meet with Rev Jennie next week for coffee   i haven't seen her in months and i can talk with her about this   it'll be great to see her and get back to church   i haven't been in about 2 months now, but my personal growth has not stopped   new pages have opened due to my challenges   now to continue forward and work to eliminate the 2 forementioned beliefs    what a life!   but Life is still Good....

Thursday, August 18, 2005

i'm callin it funky

the day that is    it just feels funky for some reason   maybe because i overslept this morn and i've been out of sync ever since   and how do you teach a teenager to fix dinner having it ready when you get home   ok i must be dreamin, but tonite it was simply frozen pizza nite   just pop it in the oven and presto   seems simple enough to me   we're still waiting news on a job   in the meantime he's considering and looked into going active duty military  he's currently army guard but hasn't started his weekend drills yet   he's learning a bit from his mistake of quitting his last job   if only i could have thought quick enough and told him to return immediately   parenthood, wasn't ready for it   and occasionally there's the little things that are beginning to bug me   like not fillin up the water jug for the frig   and i hate his tv channel surfin   the radio is ok, but the tv   leave it alone!    patience   i must be more patient    other than that i'm pullin my hair out....lol    anything else i should be warned about teenagers?   please advise me....for now, back to Potter   i'm almost finished with the first book then will immediately begin #2.....


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

suppose 2 be

...hikin'    while i was doin my errand this morn, my nephew got himself a job interview at 3pm this afternoon    good for him, me too, but my hike is on hold....ugh....anyways, we're goin right after his job interview then droppin off another job application at The Buckle where i know a couple people including the manager   he'd better get a job for delaying my hike....

later same day

well it poured cats & dogs in our hiking area by the time we finished all interviews, so it'll be another day for hikin   tonight i'll curl up with Potter and pizza   will also do a bit of cleaning   he is all but hired on one job   he'll know for sure in a few days   as long as he got it, i'll be just fine   such is the day in the life...

Monday, August 15, 2005


i sit eating my ice cream chocolate sundae with sticky chocolate fingers  my nephew has headed to a friends then a late nite movie, Unleashed   Jasmine lays at my feet and i think my other kids are finally accustomed to her enough that we can leave them all alone together   tomorrow i am definitely off from work and a particular trail calls my name   i'll be doing 1 errand, then off to the trail which i anticipate a 6hr hike  at least 3hrs up, then a similar time down   i'm starting from this side of the mountain and hiking to the top or as close as i can get   it's a trail i haven't completed, but there are quite a few i have completely done   i'm going prepared for change in the weather for it's still been raining here   unless it's cats & dogs, i'm hiking to the top   my house is a mess, but it can wait another 24hrs   if only my nephew had cleaned up a bit as he stated  but since i can't be a perfectionist with cleaniless here due to my dogs, a few more hours of a mess isn't going to hurt   i'm anxious as a little kid   tomorrow is too far ahead   i ache to be in the mountains...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

weekend over

1 flea market, one baseball game, 3 movies and sleep all in one weekend made it relaxing   saturday we started out the day late and began with breakfast treat at IHOP  the food was good, but it took forever to arrive so no tip   then we head to the flea market after picking up tickets for sat nite's game   the flea was barren in comparison how i usually find it   there were about half the vendors there than the norm   everyone must be on vacation  either way, i still found something to buy , a beautiful rainbow colored mexican blanket  there were some other great bargains but Kyle kept saying no   i was definitely in a shopping mood...once home we killed a little more time before the baseball game that was not going to be   just before departing more clouds had rolled in this time bringing some rain   it hadn't quite poured until we arrived at the stadium awaiting for game time  the sky opens up and pours cats & dogs   we left although the game had yet to be called knowing full well there'd be no game   indeed the game was canceled   we came home and watched the movies we had rented the previous nite, Hitch and Pitch Black   Kyle, Nicole and I got thru Hitch   it was a good romance movie, but that's my thing right now for it only reminds me of how much i miss a relationship...anyways, Nicole headed to bed as Pitch Black began and Kyle followed soon there after   for some reason i was wide awake   i usually am not up past midnite unless i can't sleep   well i'd soon realize i hadn't taken my meds and i was awake because of that   eventually about 4:30am i fall asleep  and sleep til noon time sunday   i woke long enough for a bite of breakfast then it was back to sleep for another hour   finally awake, i'm up    now the course of the day begins with running my dogs   Nicole has headed back to ft bliss while kyle & i take jasmine on her first walk with my kids   i wasn't going to make it to the mtns afterall so this was my compromise   after wearing out the kids, we head down to the ballpark again for the makeup game  not much of a crowd, but then again i don't think people knew it was scheduled  everyone began arriving for the second game at the original time ...i receive a call from Cindy and off we go to the dollar movie   this time it was 'Monster-in-Law'   this movie was better than i had anticipated  it was hilarious   must purchase it later once on vhs or dvd....overall the weekend was good   it gave me some time to heal my anger from last week, to let go of the worries in life and just be   now tomorrow it's back to work i go but i'll be refreshed and with renewed strength   i'm scheduled to be off tuesday   if that remains the same, then i can go to the mtns for a little hike   there's still a little hope with my p.o. retirement   my boss informed me on friday that i only have a few more months   i took that as an indication he recommended approval of my retirement in his statement     like Jude, another j-lander, i need another 2 weeks of r & r.....

Friday, August 12, 2005

clouds roll in

the clouds rolled in today   it even rained for a few moments  i didn't desire my rain gear, so i dawned my sleeveless sweatshirt   it was just right  enough to keep me dry at my chest while my arms and legs enjoyed the wetness and cool breeze   it stayed cool all day, but the humidity lingered after the shower   hopefully the clouds will remain for awhile as forecasted and the fall sneak in early...in the meantime, i'm headed for the mtns again this weekend   as tough of week i've had, i need the refreshing scenery and air   i may go manana, but if i have the stamina for work that's where i'll be   tomorrow nite we're headed for a baseball game   my first this year   i need all the r & r i can absorb this weekend    we will start with a movie tonite, Pitch Black   another pure entertainer   i've had enough drama for the week....everyone have a great weekend    laugh, love and treasure the moments...

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Alive and Well....

    AOL Alerts & Reminders
http://hometown.aol.com/       Thursday, August 11, 2005  
I got this from Anne's Blog...Saturday's Child


      I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in
another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found
out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew upafraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong, and if you think it's time for a change.


a little chilled tonite...

ok...this is a follow up to the previous entry since i was able to relax a little tonite from the past few days   ....for those who would like to know what happened with my dog, here goes...all last year, my Sadie dog kept fighting my other dogs especially a little terrier that i had   during these fights Sadie became like another dog in a frenzy and out to kill   she almost literally killed the little terrier i had   so i'm figuring that most of this was due to the terrier aggravating the hell out of her and for that and other reasons i found another place for the terrier   so for about 6 months now Sadie has not been in any fights again until the other nite   it wasn't even her fight  Charlie snapped at Max, no fighting done, but soon as he did Sadie attacked Charlie   she was in a frenzy and tore up Charlie a bit   there was plenty of blood   i did not have such a great day at work, nor had my supper yet when this broke out   the only way to stop the fighting is throwing water on Sadie, then i can grab her and put her outside, which i did   during last year and the other nite, the bloody fights (literally) have been tooo much for me to handle   in the midst of my anger 2 nites ago, i decided right then and there to take Sadie to the pound   i've never been so angry with Sadie or any of my dogs for that matter   i knew in keeping her that i'd be walking on eggshells in keeping them apart anticipating another attack by Sadie   since she was a pup she's always been ms queen dog, or so she has thought    it was only a year ago that she seemed to have changed drastically in the dominant role playing   i'm at lost as to what created the change   a friend also told me that once a dog draws blood from another., then they are worse   since taking her to the pound, which i hate, i've wanted to rescue her yet i cannot seem to bring myself to do it either    i went thru months of separating Sadie from the previous dog   i almost gave up Sadie then, but didn't   anyways, that is the story as to why she's gone   my heart is broken   i'm still angry and baffled    anyone with other insights, i welcome them....

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


jasmine lays at my feet while another one of my pack is no longer here  i realize life has some really tough decisions to be made   was i so fried from work yesterday that i couldn't see other possibilities   in the midst of a fight and my anger i made a snap decision   i don't know if it was the right one, but then again i think i did   i just don't like the decision i made  maybe i made the wrong decision years ago  maybe i didn't make any wrong decision   i'm perplexed   i don't know what happened to my Sadie girl, if anything at all, where she became so vicious    i hope to have the answer some day even tho she's no longer with me  ...i hurt, i'm angry, i missed the boat somewhere when it came to her    i still don't believe i gave her up   i suppose i'll be numb for awhile   but for now she's gone...

Monday, August 8, 2005


Good Bye Peter (Jennings)!   you will be sorely missed....God Bless You and Your family...

r u ready 4 sum football...

well it is here again   tis the season for football my favorite sport   i'm watchin' my Chicago Bears play the Miami Dolphins   i'm a little impressed with my Bears and hope last years mistakes have been corrected for the new season   i'm not totally ready for football, but it's a nice welcome back...today i was suppose to work although it was my scheduled day off    i couldn't bring myself to go in, hence realizing it's time to come off the overtime list for a little while   i work myself to tears sometimes and today was one of them   maybe this time i can adjust to a 40hr work week and live from them   that would be nice   all things considered, i always believe anything is possible   think i will set my sites on this especially while my nephew is here   he's making a small contribution and this way hopefully his presence will keep my calm in the storm   ok there isn't necessarily a storm, but the transition will be easier    yep, i'm going to step into that direction.....in the meantime, i took kyle to Tradestar Construction Svcs (temp hire) and he got a job...he quit American Eagle...we also went to the Job Corp for him to check that out   he seems very interested in doing that   it'll be good for him to get some job skills and hopefully learn how to put up with bs from people at work   i've instructed him on how to handle it and that at every job there are lazy workers    if he's as sensitive to criticism as i was at his age, he has some work to do on turning a deaf ear    but i'll keep encouraging and instructing him on how to deal with it    i know he can do it   i'll think he'll also be happier doing construction than retail   he'll find his niche...funny how now i'm a parent all of sudden, but it's not too bad   i know i can only do so much and the rest he must learn on his own   plus i'm not  a dictator of his life   just provide the best wisdom i can for him and allow him to continue to grow & learn thru his choices and experiences   i'll be there to support him anyway i can and he knows i'll give him a swift kick in the butt if i need to, lol    overall the 2 of us are doing quite well   we enjoy each other's company a lot and have a lot of fun too   so for now, his new job and a brighter future    he'll get on his feet in due time.....now for Jasmine,  she's doin well   she couldn't hang in the heat today so we didn't go for a hike   she sleeps with her dad, kyle which i'm happy about   she still hangs at my feet often   we'll be taking pics of her this week and i'll post them asap....Life is good...still

Sunday, August 7, 2005

another day

just another sunday   not too much to it   did a little mixin and pourin concrete for patch work  Jasmine and my kids settled down a little more with each other   she loves Max and he allows her to do anything including chew on his tail    she lays at my feet for the moment   i think her spot will be here under the computer desk   ....for now 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' is on tv   a good reality change and to lighten my mind after reading more of my spiritual book   i was gettin too serious minded   the book is good, but i realized i didn't need to read thru all of it   picked up the main points at the end   the main idea of the book of spiritual journey i recently realized myself   it was good to have it reiterated by another   one point at the book is about ordinariness  it summed up what i needed most, to remember i'm ordinary just as others    the more i'm compassionate and understanding with myself, the easier it is to extend that to others   recently i realized i had done something really Stupid, but i got to the heart of why i did   now i can , and have, embraced what i've done and know what i must do to correct my course   i must have patience with myself and change my thinking in handling this matter   although i understand my actions to an extent, i'm wondering if there is more to it all   i will not try to make too much of it, but i'm always so hard on myself   that too must change   time can heal but also my discipline again will assist greatly in the process...for now, i'll enjoy a light adventure with Harry Potter..tomorrow is another day...

the saturday 6

1. Besides your parents or siblings, what family member do you most resemble?    don't know   don't keep in touch with other family members    too out of touch

2. Check out this
interesting website:  Is your hometown newspaper featured?  What is the top headline of that paper or the one closest to you?
The Indianapolis Star....Sadler sails to pole position....funny of the 18yrs i lived in Indiana i never went to the race
3. If you knew it was completely tame and there was no danger, what zoo animal would you most like to pet or come into physical contact with?
a bear    my first favorite wild animal
4. Take this
quiz:  How weird are you?
60% Weird  "you're so weird, you think you'er *totally* normal..."
5. Which of the following causes more stress in your life:  your spouse, your kids, your boss, your co-workers, your friends, your parents or other relatives?
i'd say my boss  a close second would be my family when i'm around them   they drive me crazy
6. You find an old lamp containing a genie:  the genie decides to give you a single improvement for yourself, mind or body.  It must be something to improve within you and no one else.  What would you ask the genie to fix?
  my brain   i'd love to replace it at this time   just transfer memory and personality but get rid of those blues

Saturday, August 6, 2005

how evil are you?

  You are Neutral

<center><a href="http://home.att.net/~slugbutter/evil/" target="new"><img src="http://home.att.net/~slugbutter/evil/neutral.jpg" border=0></a><br><a href="http://home.att.net/~slugbutter/evil/" target="new">How evil are <i>you</i>?</a></center>


i got this from Patrick's Place  curiosity got the best of me

new kid on the block

i've got a new kid in my house:-)   she's not mine, but.....she belongs to Kyle & Nicole   she's a 9week old german shepherd  I LOVE german shepherds   she will stay with Kyle and i until he moves to texas with Nicole   Lil Jasmine is beautiful!   at the moment she's lying at my feet while her parents are taking a nap   i only got to see her for a few moments this morn, but i've been home for about an hour now and have had more time with her....kyle just took her back to their room...anyways,  she's a real sweety   puppys all are    i must get kyle to bond with her so she doesn't become my dog   nicole would be sooo broken hearted    so i'm going to make him take her everywhere he goes for awhile and allow her to sleep with him   he quit his job so he has some time to work with her for awhile   the last 2 dogs i brought home for someone ended up being my dogs in no time   if it came to be, i'd take jasmine in a heartbeat, but that would be down the road IF it were to happen   anyways, it'll be great to have her around   lots of fun and challenges.....in the meantime, football has arrived!   so i'll be chillin with it on often   i've been a football fan since 10yrs old playing with the boys next door   wish they had a women's league i could play in...lol     time for a shower   since the parents are awake, i can leave them to tend their child   i'll put my kids back outside for the moment too, although lil jasmine loves Max already....

p.s.   i should say the dogs became my dogs because they attached themselves to me....ok i do have a way with dogs....

it's Saturday!

otherwise known as my friday!   one more day and i'm off    maybe for 2days in a row if they don't work me on monday    anyways, last nite after my journal entry i realized i was in shock about the denial   i was expecting at least something, not an empty package   o well , on to the appeal   i also realized i was a bit blue and moody yesterday   too busy to really notice until i sat down & chilled for awhile  ...so today i will be contemplating my different yet same direction in life   i did get some clarity regarding school, but would like to discuss it with my therapist first   since working and doing school i think this causes too much stress therefore creating more depression  i'm inclined to wait til i retire even if i have to wait another 8yrs   not sure i'll take that route, but my heart aches so much to finish school sooner than later   i've got time to think about it, but for now i need to nourish my Spirit as much as possible   more hikes and back to the gym seems to be the remedy    i'm looking forward to these adventures ...for now it's off to work i go   i owe i owe, so off to work i must go....

Friday, August 5, 2005

blimey friday

well today i received an unofficial notice that my VA disability claim was denied   think i'm in a little shock and too tired from work to be very upset about it    maybe it'll hit me manana  Charlie my DAV man says we'll appeal it and it'll get approved   well i'll wait and see on that   at this point i won't count on it   this changes my plans should i get my postal retirement  but my boss wants to threaten me with it, so who knows i may be stuck with the p.o. another 8yrs   the way things are going, nothing should surprise me if it's denied as well   for now, i'll mentally prepare myself to work another 8yrs and wait for the treasures to come as they will or won't   well now i can make a decision about doing the overtime more or not   i've been contemplating that today  all the pros and cons   within the next few days i'll decide   i just know i'm ready for a change and it's much needed    in the meantime i'll take another hike   it always provides clarity....

Thursday, August 4, 2005

kids r bathed!

ok, Sadie and Max got their baths   Max was sooo good   he got in the tub as if he'd been watching everyone else get in there   then he just stood there for me like he's been doing this all his life constantly   if you ever need a Real Sweetheart of a dog, get a golden retriever   or at least find one like Max   he's all Sugar!...now my only challenge left for the nite is finding a DRY spot in my bed   guess who went and laid down after their baths    I love it!   i love 'em!

another shadow

really didn't have an exciting day    i had a route inspector with me all day   he was a nice guy   i'm curious though after today if they will adjust my route   i'd actually be surprised if they did   we'll see   i've never liked the route counts especially figuring out what they really do with all those counts...Nothing...but at least we didn't have a full route count which consists of counting mail for all 6days of the week   nowadays i feel for the most part they're a waste of my time   but i deal with them and treat the inspectors respectively    but they can be a pain in the rear as well sometimes    o well life goes on   i manage to live thru them all for 19yrs now   soon to be over i hope....anyways, Kyle has "Torque" on  it's definitely a male movie   o well, i'll find another movie laterz   besides he rented 'Cyborg' too which Jean-Claude Van Damme was appealing   ....tonite i'll finish washing my dogs then i won't have the creepy crawlies all over me with ticks   the shampoo is working well on the other 2 already bathed...2 more days and i'm off   looking forward to my sunday off   interesting i should receive some mail from church today   it'll be good to see some people there this sunday since it's been a couple months since i've been   at least now i have a clear picture of my spiritual journey ahead...life is good, but i haven't won the lottery yet...lol

Spirit Warrior

i woke this morn to a dream   another dream involving, evolving my spiritual journey   Dona a fellow j-lander wrote an entry recently regarding to thine own self be true   between it and reading a book, A Path with Heart -Jack Kornfield, i dreamed of what my spiritual journey means to me   it is a path i walk alone, but not alone   it is a path with many directions like the many branches of a tree, but it has one direction   I am a Spiritual Warrior   my path leads me innerwardly to my own struggles, joy, tears, laughter and so much more   it is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves  there is an ebb & flow like the ocean washing ashore on the beach   with each new tide, there is more wisdom learned and to be learned   there are times my journey consists only of me while i sit, contemplate and grow from within   there are times there are other people and what life outside of me holds for me    each an integral part of who i am, how i live and being a light to others ....for it was within this dream this morn, i finally remembered my Spiritual Journey and how i walk that path    it is not others shaping and molding me as they see fit    it is me who tears me apart and creates a new Self within me for which to live by example    i remembered i had desired to be a Light to others  and it is through different teachings, not just one which steers my course, which humbles me and rekindles my Soul   i am one of many, yet many of one   there is a place for me to return, a teaching to remember   may i continuously remember from this day forward   a new season is upon us   a new breath to take   Change like the seasons, grow with the Wisdom it makes

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

pain in the ...

Posterior...lol    yep i got a pain there today   actually that is closer to where my pain in the hip has been or so it felt like today at the doc's office    i had an appointment to see about getting that piece of metal out of my hip   well they wanted to try a shot of cortisone first in lieu of going under the knife   i said sure, not ever having a shot of cortisone  so the shot was more like a shot in the a$$ than the him  them poking me in the area of the metal was a major pain   the shot numbed my left leg and i couldn't go back to work, doctor's orders   boy was my boss peed O    he's frustrated with me because i've missed a few days of work due to not sleeping   i did Finally get a good nites rest last nite   made it to work early today   all was well til i couldn't go back and finish my route  but tomorrow is another day and things will be good....tonite Kyle and I checked out an old truck for him to buy   now it's just waiting for his or my check to come in   if my check comes in first, i'll buy and he'll pay me once his bonus arrives   first objective is to get him his own wheels   govt is slow and so is the Army with his bonus....this weekend Nicole, Kyle's fiance, will be arriving with her new german shepherd puppy   I LOVE german shepherds  anyways, Jasmine, the new pup, will be here with Kyle until these 2 get together in El Paso   it'll be fun, although i'll be back to 5dogs in the house   we'll train Jasmine and have fun doing it   will socialize her as much as possible too   and it'll give Charlie another playmate   he's still like a puppy @ 4 1/2yrs old   he needs all the playmates he can with his energy....

Faith dares the soul to go farther than it can see.   -William Clarke

Tuesday, August 2, 2005


Which Mythological Form Are You?


You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator. "And The Goddess planted the acorn of life. She cried a single tear and shed a single drop of blood upon the earth where she buried it. From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into the world." Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek), Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian). The Goddess is associated with the concept of creation, the number 1, and the element of earth. Her sign is the dawn sun. As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic individual and people are drawn to you. Although sometimes you may seem emotionally distant, you are deeply in tune with other people's feelings and have tremendous empathy. Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your own self. Goddesses are the best friends to have because they're always willing to help.

i got this from Lori's journal    it was fun!

too sleep 2 know

it's 2am in the wee hours of the nite    i'm awake dammit...not sure i got a couple hours of sleep or not    my sleep is messed up again   i really don't know what's happening   i do see my doc this month, but in the meantime i'll switch the times of taking my meds to see if that works    there's no reason, none, as to why i should be awake   i'm hoping to fall back asleep within a half hour   we'll see....in the meantime, giving Jimmy his bath was an adventure, sorta    he did pretty good actually   he kept wanting out of the tub, but maybe that was because i was only half in it    i had to return him to the tub one more time for i had missed rinsing him enough in one area   this time i got into the whole tub and he followed    looking at him drenched, he really is a lean dog   it's his long hair that makes him appear bigger   that made me happy   means i have only one dog to put on a diet, my Max, my golden retriever  he's the oldest   next payday he gets his own special food   now to keep the other dogs from eating it    they do musical bowls around here except for Jimmy  no one goes near his food...anyways, think i'll find a book to read    i read some more of Potter before dozing off, but when i was waking up i was dreaming Potter   o god that was too much...

Monday, August 1, 2005

it's monday...

first...yes, Jimmy it sucks to be in the middle of family   so i try my damnest to stay out of things   the distance helps but it sure would be nice if everyone would get over 'it' and move on with life    o well, so is the way with people, family or not......now, tonite i'm about to tackle a dog bath   i coerced Kyle to bath Charlie today   figured he would be the easiest for Kyle to wash   my nephew has never given a dog a bath so i taught him over the phone    basically like washing a car, but you don't get soap in their eyes  and talk to them gently while bathing them and praise the dog for being still   Kyle is about to own a puppy, so he has his first lesson in bathing a dog  Charlie is the smallest of all my dogs, but small by no means and is the strongest dog i feel i have    Charlie smells soooo much better   but the baths are their annual and lately ticks have been showing up far too much  so Now is the time   first year i've had problems with ticks on these dogs   once i get my back yard covered in synthetic grass, my kids will probably get baths more often   but i don't see the point when they immediately go roll in the dirt after a bath and they're let outside    at the moment i'm contemplating who'll be next in the bath line   Max is the only one i haven't seen ticks on  i'll save him for last   think i'll tackle Jimmy   he's the biggest and i might as well prepare for my bath with him   but it'll be fun, challenging, but fun   then i'm taking my shower and hit the sack for some reading and zzzzs    tomorrow is advo day at work   i hate tuesday advo days   advos are those damn grocery ads in the mail   all of us carriers hate to deliver them as much as those who hate receiving them, but it's job security for us and the businesses involved    sure wish we could use our trees for something else, like shade!   and their sweet scents!    well that's all for tonite folks!    have a good one....

Safe...and Harry Potter

well my nephew made it safely home   i wasn't worried about his driving, it was those damn drunks on the road...anyhows, he's home and i was still awake waiting for him   i immediately went to sleep once in bed    while waiting i began the first book of Harry Potter   it's Wonderful!   i should have read it looong time ago   but now it will be such a great pleasure to enjoy these books.....i learned last nite too that my nephew and sister are at odds with each other   i don't know the story, but it was sure difficult listening to my sister talk badly about him yesterday   i'll get the other half of the story from Kyle soon, but that's still between them   i already have my thoughts regarding to my sister's opinions, she has old issues which resurfaced with Kyle    anyways, it's a painful reminder of how family members hang onto the past and remain angry all the time   Get Over It! i say   Life is too short to be angry all the time   there are soooo many treasures in life to enjoy and how will you see them when blinded by your anger....everyone have a great day!        laterz...