Thursday, December 29, 2005

to answer...

to answer Donna in TEXAS' question    first I am not a traditional spiritual seeker   i have been in New Age or New Thought for years now minus my illness time    this spiritual leader i speak of is Ramtha    now Ramtha is 'channeled' through  a woman named JZ Knight  and has been doing so for over 20yrs   going on 30yrs i think   anyways,  i recommend an open mind to the channeling   there is controversy as to whether JZ is doing the teaching or whether Ramtha, an unseen entity, is doing the teaching    i concluded many years ago that whoever was doing the teaching was not important to me   the knowledge and wisdom brought forth is too valuable to pass up    Metaphysics, New Age, New Thought and other philosophies is what works for me    if you'd like to check out Ramtha go to the following website:

if you have any questions or would like to further discuss my beliefs contact me at :



bah humbug   i caught a cold and yuk!   i never like being sick   think i caught it tuesday nite when i was stranded on my route    i had lost the vehicle key in the dark     wearing my shorts, and no leggins, i had to stand outside in the cold waiting for someone to bring me a key    i was fine while i was moving, but once stopped it's as if the wind went right thru me    teach me to wear my leggins regardless it's in the 50s here this winter  the wind still has it's chill reminding one that it is winter   anyways, i'll survive just hope sooner than later that it goes away....

in the meantime, i found a treasure box full of books on the web today    they're actually from a spiritual teacher i studied over a dozen years ago before my illness hit    i love this teacher and feel i'm finally able to return to his teachings    so guess what i'm doing next year besides hiking?   yep, reading, reading, reading, and more reading     i look forward to soaking up all the knowledge i can besides the class at church i'll be attending    now only if my brain could be a sponge now....

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


my adobe bode is sold!   as of today!   YES!    so i'll be moving sometime toward the end of january    i'm mostly packed already   i've been sleeping on my couch for about a month now     can't wait to sleep in my bed again   there's more room for me and my dogs in it   anywho,  now i must seriously look for a place to live    although i'd love a cozy little apartment, think it'd be best to find a house for rent    i will check one apartment on my postal route but i have reservations on that    it'll be Jimmy, Charlie (if i don't lose him again) and me    think my kids need a little room in a yard   Kyle wants to take Jimmy, but i'm not sure i'll let him    anyhell, i'll decide within a few days as to an apartment or a house    regardless i'll be over next to the mountains despite my continual desire to move back into the mountains   don't know what it is but my urges to be in the mountains continually resurface constantly    i'm just must ask God i suppose what's with these urges   one notion as to why is that i'm completely happy in the mountains   my spirit is high most of the time i am there   maybe it's like a drug and i need my fix often   maybe   whatever the reason(s) for these urges, i must at least go there as often as possible   hence, a new year's resolution to go on sundays at least every other week if not weekly for a few hours if not all day    so i'll see if my weekly visit there curbs my urges...

well, mr. houdini superdog Charlie Brown got loose again today   everytime he does it's like torture   i never know if he'll be back or not   i get so frustrated nowadays with him when he does this, i wonder if i should just find him another home   someone younger who can keep up with his little butt   yet as soon as i question it, i know the answer is No    are all children like Charlie Brown?   Stress you out to the max you desire to pull your hair out    anyhow, i love him dearly   he should be thankful for this  i need to take more photos of him and make a collage(sp?)   he's home now until he gets loose again   i may make him an inside dog, which he would love    this way i can guarantee he wouldn't get loose on me again    hurry up retirement then i can tie Charlie's butt to me and i'll know every minute of the day where he is   little munchkin!....

Friday, December 23, 2005

why johnny?

why Johnny Damon did you have to give up that beautiful hair and beard?..

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Potter and the Half Blood Prince

well i just finished this book!   it was good, but i think i enjoyed the previous two more   i hope this book is a good prep for the final book   and i'm praying that the main character killed in this book is resurrected some how by some great magic   well i'm hopin anyways   i had guessed correctly on who would be killed off, but i was hopin' it wasn't so   so now i'm anxious for the final book, if the 7th book is the finalie   i've read the Potter books without having to wait much for reading one to the next   now i'm on the waiting list as everyone else for the next book   the suspense will kill me   but i'm sure i'll find other books in the meantime to keep my busy   i still have classes as well although i'm thinking of dropping one at the moment    not sure i will   think i just need the rest from the holidays ...

not sure what i'll be doing for Christmas actually   Kyle is supposed to be droppin by for the weekend    haven't decided on church or not, but surely will take my kids for a walk on the plateau    mainly right now i desire to get thru this week    once saturday is here and over, i can relax   well actually we all can relax....

last nite i had coffee with M    i was already home but needed to get out anyways   we met at Satellite Coffee    i hadn't heard of these places and would learn they belong to a popular cafe outlet and were created to compete with starbucks    it was a nice cozy place, but i'm in love with starbucks coffee    still a nice place and they served really nice blueberry cheesecake   great cozy place to relax and chat with a friend   i could use more of these nights out with friends.....

well now is the time to write Danny, my co-worker who's serving over in Iraq right now   he's been there a few months and i have yet to drop him a line  i kept forgetting to go back and find his address after the first attempt with no success    i pray he's doing well, yet i know from Roy, another co-worker, danny is very stressed   i'm going to do my best and send him some cigs and drink to relax if i can get it thru the mail    i think it's illegal as hell, but it will be worth it for him    Sharon and Sue depart the first of january for iraq   this will be Sharon's 3rd trip there, Sue's first    God bless them all   God bless all our troops! to me letter       ....

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

funky little toe nails

well i didn't have to work as late as i thought and class was canceled today i'm delivering another carrier's route    i'm walk up the driveway of an elderly lady's house   she's bent over next to her car trying to pick up a bag of groceries   she appears to have osteopsoris (sp?),  may be 5' tall if that and weighs 80lbs or less    her walking cane si way ahead of her and out of reach   so anyways, i ask her if she'd like some help   her reply is "NO!", and "I can't pick up this bag"  so i drop my mail, put her mail in her grocery bag and moved it to the security gate   "your mail is in your bag"   "thank you" she says and i left     i would have stayed and offered to wait til she got into her house, but i sensed she didn't trust me   it isn't the first time a customer hasn't trusted me despite being obviously the mailwoman delivering their mail   it probably won't be the last either   it was just another reminder of how much fear some people live in, especially the elderly it seems  not that i blame them.....

anyways, further along down the route i run into an old acquaintenance of mine, Pauline   she lives on the route i delivered today but i wasn't expecting to see her   it's her week off and she was bakin cookies which she shared with me..delicious...her and i played softball years ago together   she's still coaching i think, a senior league of women   it was good to visit for a moment   she still has that Toyota truck i sold her about 15yrs ago  (that's another story and all it was my ex-lovers' truck)   anyways, Pauline seemed rather nice today   she's usually bitchin about something for she is a perfectionist   i've stilled always liked her but sometimes we have wanted her to shut up on the ballfield.....

finally i get to the end of the route today    i discover that i'm missing some mail   i had to check and double check that my eyes were not deceiving me    i chuckled and delivered what i had    someone else put the mail together today and he forgot to pull the residual mail (magazines, newspapers, large envelopes, and a few letters that are manually sorted in the a.m.)   i chuckled for i have done the same thing at times    you're in such a routine of doing everything and during these stressful times just a moment interruption throws you out of whack   o well, the most important first class letters were delivered

now what does funky little toes have to do with any of today    my little toes' nails are just that   for awhile the toe nails have been growing and falling off when i go to trim them   the whole nail just falls off on both of my little toes   the only thing i can think of is possibly side affects from my meds   i'm not worried though   but they do grow back funky and will hurt if not trimmed while walking my 10mi route    today's route was a walker and they hurt   so it's due time to remove those funky toe nails.....but first, dinner    i'm trying something new, Jimmy Dean's breakfast skillet    if it's good, i'll pick more up for quick breakfasts before work   better than eatin oatmeal all the time, ok half the time   the other half is at NY Bagel   a breakfast bagel with bacon, egg, and swiss cheese on everything bagel    but these skillets should be less expensive and more food for the money   i'll let you know if they're worth the meantime, take care    i'll be back when i can.... 

Good mornin'!

it's 6:30am and i've been up for an hour (which is very unusual for me)   anyways, thought i'd drop another entry and say hello again   now if i could only awaken this early every mornin nowadays    i remember the  days i could on a regular basis, but then again that was a dozen years ago before my crazy days  early morning was my favorite time of the day    maybe if i don't eat dinner as i did last nite i could rise with the sunshine   it was 8:30pm when i got home from work last nite  and looking at the dozen boxes filled with packages at work, i'd say it'll be late every nite this week   these boxes full of pkgs are about 4' deep and 6' sq ft big or more   but this is normal for this time a year    and the funny thing is, usually mail lightens up as the packages come in, but not this year   we are just as buried in mail volume as we have been all fall    fall is our heaviest leading into christmas because of catalogs and business mailings   i haven't seen it this busy like this in a few years   that indicates it's a prosperous year for most everyone   ...anyways, it'll be great once we're finished Christmas Eve   then the load is off and no stress for a couple days this year    makes me happy....

well, i've been contemplating this year, this entire year, for a bit   it's been a bit horrendous for me, but i've survived it    most of the year i've been facing my blues   i reflected that i cut back my work hours in hopes to experience my blues less   i've given up money and created a mess of my finances in order to not be blue so often   well i've realized despite less hours and less money and all that, i struggle regardless   i struggle when i work   i struggle when i don't work   SO, i'm going back to work my 60hr work weeks   at least i'll be a little bit happier with not only my finances, but my motivation in life   yes it's enoyable and easier to deal with my blues working less hours, But,   i feel more fulfilled putting in my time at work than doing less   i'm a lot happier   i have at least some control over my life (my blues do dictate my life) and Life in general is so much better    so what am i going to do when i retire?  eventually get a job, but also become a fulltime student i think    i love being a student and i might as well do it   besides i recognized that this year alone i've read about a dozen books   i'm constantly reading and learning something   so i'll be a preppy and have a hell of a good time   i will also take as many vacations as i can afford once retired and do some backpacking and camping in the national parks there's plenty to do, but right now my job fulfills me

in the meantime, i'm about to head to my least favorite store, Walmart, and get some drano   of course, it should be empty of people at this hour   this store has some awesome bargains, but there's alwyas too many people so i go only when necessary   i must keep the house clean for prospective buyers   speaking of which, i did have an offer, but it was an investor just trying to get it as cheap as possible   we turned him down   i may have another offer on the table at the moment and will know in a couple days...

o yes, before i forget, my son Kyle is doing fine   he's living with friends and working and still trying to go active duty   at least he's calmed down about going to Iraq   he's not so anxious to go there anymore, thank God    he comes over and hangs out with me from time to time   last nite he called and said he'd let me know about Charlie   i asked him what was he talking about?   he wants to takeCharlie   his roomie loves Charlie, but everyone loves Charlie   but also when i woke this morning, i remembered they will have a very hard time finding an apartment to have Charlie   i already have because most complexes are breed restricted and pitt bulls are included on that   we'll see what happens   i have to think about it some more    the guys would be good for charlie, but....i'd be worried about charlie getting loose and ending up in the pound....   anyways, that's about the news for now    Life is good no matter how bleak it seems at times    it's nice to be back online....i'll cya soon!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Remember Me?

Hi computer crashed and i just got it back today....i'm just droppin in for a moment   o yeah, the computer   i had to order a new part and that's why it took so long...anyways, life is hectic right now with the holidays as you may know   and it's always very stressful at the p.o. during this month  ...anyways, a tidbit of an update    first, last week i got the confirmation that i do NOT have cancer   they did two biopsies, but fortunately found Bible Wisdom class is almost over, but in the meantime i began another class, A Course in Miracles....other than work, i've been trying to sell my house and reading books    i finally got back to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and finished it a couple weeks ago   i'm now on the 6th Potter book   i also read a couple other books:  Everyday Grace by Marianne Williamson, and The Camino by Shirley Maclaine  i also finally got around to see the 4th Potter movie which was well done and thoroughly enjoyed....not much really goin on nowadays...i may not return to this journal til next year after all the holidays are over and i'm hopefully moved to the eastside of town   i'll keep you posted as much as the meantime, i wish everyone Happy Holidays and may you be blessed with all the joy you can have.....

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

tryin 2 chill

home today   for a little whiles anyways    tryin to chill while being anxious about my appointment this afternoon    listening to music and writing in my other journal for the moment   it's helping sum, but ....once i finish with my other journal i'm going to walk the mall to C if i can calm down any    today is the C test, or so i think    i'll give more details once this examination is over...i'm saying my prayers for now....

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Da Bears!

Chicago BearsYeah!   my Bears won today!   they are definitely headed to the playoffs this year   i fell in love with them over 20yrs ago while 'Sweetness' Walter Payton was playing   i will get his jersey one day, hopefully in the near future    maybe like when my house sells   i've been getting prospective buyers the past couple days, now i'm praying one of them makes an offer soon   this would be the icing on the cake....dear God,  send me an offer soon:-)....the other good news, well to me anyways, Kyle dropped by today for a few moments with his new girlfriend Mattie   she's a student at Univ of New Mexico here in albuquerque   she seemed really nice    they didn't stay long, but it was good to see him     he's working a lot of hours, which is good for him but he's realized he can't keep Jasmine  (last week he went and got her back)   well,  i tried my damnest to let her be adopted out, but i guess he needed to learn for himself    poor Jasmine   i wish i could have kept her, but...and i just wasn't that close to her for she was his dog    anyways, i told him if he didn't take her back to the rescue place that there is a cop looking for dogs for his unit    kyle also knows someone who's a bounty hunter who might take her     whatever the case,   i hope he does it soon for jasmine's sake    anyways, i didn't get on his case, but he's anyways, that's about the news for now ....o yeah, it finally turned cold last nite and will be here for a few days     it's still been in the 60s here    a mild winter has been forecasted andi don't doubt it    happy i wasn't delivering mail today for the wind was cold more so than the temp    a cold wind is far more draining on me while working than just plain simple cold   i'm always ready for bed as soon as i get home from a cold windy day   but anyways, all is good   Life is good!.....two more days until my test for the big C....

Friday, November 25, 2005


well today i became restless    granted i need a vacation, but quite frankly i'm a little bored    i began the day feeling mucho stress but finally walked that off at work    i didn't finish my day til 7:30pm tonite along with some of my co-workers who worked 12hrs today    i don't feel tired   not hungry and all i've had to eat today is a pb&j sandwich with some cookies    i have chicken to fix tonite, but it's too late to be cookin   so i'm having a glass of chocolate milk   don't know why i'm round up, but i am    it's time for a movie or some shopping or something other than work, home and class   just a feelin of bored with life at the moment   anyone else get that way?    it's been awhile since i've felt that and if i'm bored now while working, what will happen when i do get to retire?    sometimes i think about withdrawing my retirement package but i donn't think that's a good idea    i'm anxious to do something new   what that will be has yet to be revealed to me    like M said the other nite at dinner, so much of my identity is wrapped up in the p.o. and my customers   i'm beginning to feel some of the transition, but jiminy cricket    i must be feeling pretty damn good because this restlessness is my natural drive in life   time to set some more goals and go after them   i'll contemplate on it tonite and see what i come up with   i've been driven for sooo long in life that i don't know what to do with myself when idling as i have somewhat this year while figuring out my blues and its affects on me    anyways, I'M BORED!!!!!

(yes i am headed into spiritual counseling or ministry, but that's down the road when i retire    need some excitement now!~)

Thursday, November 24, 2005


Today is a day of giving Thanks....i am grateful for the following in my life:

I am grateful for God always present in my life

I give thanks for my dogs, my best companions in life thus far and their ever continuing unconditional love and play

I give thanks for Nature and it's forever presence reminding me of the abundance of God's Love

I give thanks for the abundance of family of friends here in abq, across the states, and here in j-land who always support me with love and encouragement, laughter and tears, good times and bad times shared, moments chatting over coffee and words of wisdom

I give thanks for the First Church of Religious Science, my church, for it's presence in my life   for their New Thought thinking   for their warmth, support and friendship

I give thanks for Rev Jennie in my life   one wonderful woman, experienced and wise in her Spiritual understanding as well as her support and love she gives to me    I value our friendship and her being my mentor tremendously

I give thanks to M for simply being a friend and more so for being the beautiful, wonderful woman she is    her presence has allowed me to grow and learn more of myself   her 'square'ness is a breath of fresh air in a world of people with no morals and standards that i have encountered in my lifetime

I give thanks for my job,  yes my job    i do love my job and being there   it's just my struggles with my blues that make it difficult

I give thanks, last but not least, to my family    although spread across the states and not that close, I do love them and appreciate them in my life ....

God Bless the world today   Bless those in need and those in abundance   God Bless everyone    May we find peace and our paths meet to a higher calling



Wednesday, November 23, 2005

more paperwork!

today Tjnya was asking if i had checked on the status of my retirement   i said no and would call later   tonite i come home to my mailbox with a letter from the individual handling my retirement package   she sent another form to be completed before forwarding it to headquarters, or wherever it goes    so    i'd say this thing has been pushed back at least 2 more months if not longer    that's the p.o. for ya   and their getting worse   Tjnya was more upset than me about this matter    i opened the letter and laughed simply because this doesn't surprise me    so who knows when i'll be retired   i was hoping for a vacation soon, but....anyways, now i'll just focus on selling my house, get thru the holidays, and prepare for a vacation in january/february sometime    another day at the p.o. and another day of more bull@#$!......

well i'm not allowing this to ruin my day or holiday manana    just another day in the life at the p.o.   Life goes on...



Sunday, November 20, 2005

dawn of a new day...

this morn i sit reading Marianne Williamson's Everyday Grace    i've been reading it tidbits at a time, yet this morn it truly spoke to me    'God willing' is a phrase her mother used often in her childhood, humbling one to God's will    i like that    although we create our lives, i've been forgetting that God has a hand in it as well    lately i've been struggling on how does one keep to affirmative thoughts when there seems to be so many thoughts to the contrary   like my house selling for one    only recently did i get truly perturbed with my realtor, yet yesterday morn i woke to that inner voice requesting i stay home and clean     and sure enough, my realtor finally came thru and is listing the house today    in addition all the final touches are in place    i am reminded to keep faith, yet this is tested as well   i realized only recently that it's been a loooong time since having God back in my life and now is the time to rebuild my faith    in so doing, i'm getting a tattoo that says Faith with a tribal band around my wrist    therefore i can always be reminded to trust in God    i know this house will sell   quickly i hope   yet i have my fears regarding it as well    senseless fears    why do i even allow them to be in my thoughts?

Saturday, November 19, 2005


My house is ready, finally, for listing manana!    Finally!   one door must be done in the morn and i have oneset of windows to get cleaned   i also need to mop and dust and it's ready...i'm sooo ready for this place to be sold and move on     o yeah, i need to run and buy some candles so as to cover any dog smells lingering   but besides i love vanilla candles   i packed mine, so i need to go pick up a few more   back to walmart i go    but my place looks great   Pat my realtor has been a slave driver, but i pray it all pays off in the end   we'll know soon enough    i hope this sells really fast and by the end of december i'm in a new place....well i need to run ....more laterz!

Friday, November 18, 2005

i just wanna chill....

friday eve and i'm all round up   all i want to do is chill    my realtor ticked me off this evening and i can't seem to relax   she keeps being toooo picky and postponing the listing date   she's driving me Nuts! here i sit, watchin Stargate SG-1   i finally remembered it's on friday nite   i love sci-fi, well some of it    i'm drinking coffee wondering if i should have a second cup to keep me awake    i'm debating whether to clean house tonite (for the realtor) or just wait til manana    usually after my 10mile hike delivering mail all day, i don't have the energy to do anything but sit   the weight of the mail is tons heavier too this time of year   the wind is cold and draining   so sittin my butt down is the best re-energizer for me after a day's work    but i sure could work some anger off by cleaning   maybe i'll do a tidbit  save the rest for the morn and then head to work   bahhumbug!......

well today has been pretty good, until my realtor called...anyways, the weather is still warm here during the day   in the mid 50s   a nice warm sun and with a cold wind, but nice nevertheless   ...and today i talked with a woman on my route who rents a few apartments   she has a one bedroom   right price   a little yard, but big enough for my kids, However, she's done all this nice landscaping   IF i were to rent it, my kids must become inside dogs-which will be easy   either that or give up Jimmy   i came home and took one look at him and said NO!!   No way in hell will i give up my Jimmy   I love him as much as Charlie and that's enough love to fill this world    Jimmy is my shadow   everywhere i go, there is my Jimmy at my heel   he's just a big ol' lap dog too   he's as big as i am, 5'4", when he stands up    No more giving up any of my kids NO MATTER WHAT!    so IF i take that apartment, should she allow me to rent it, we'd have to work something out so that i keep both of them    more than likely, i'll find a house to rent     this will assure me of my kids' happiness...we'll see what happens   i have plenty time to still find a place ....this weekend i need to relax    so Cindy and i are headed to see the latest Potter movie    and soon as my Bible Wisdom class is over, my nose will be glued to Potter's 5th book....time for some fun this weekend....

p.s.   one more thing....some postal customers of mine, George and Vicky, invited me to dinner tonite    it was a pleasant evening with them and their granddaughter...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

all quiet on the home front...

it is all quiet on the home front   very peaceful and so am i   it's been nice to have quiet time since kyle's been gone  just me and my dogs who lay cuddled around me    this is how i like it   this is what spoils me   gives me time to reflect   enjoy the moment of stillness   no music  no tv   just the warmth of the sun shining in thru the window   i count my blessings in these moments  life's precious gifts    and recently i also changed my course of study for my bachelor's degree    in the midst of my blues a couple weeks ago, my inner voice spoke to me and suggested metaphysics    after a week contemplating it and talking with my therapist, i've definitely decided to study metaphysics    it will be a great healing tool as well as good for my  personal growth   i can become a spiritual counselor or minister eventually which i'd like    studying metaphysics will also give me more tools to deal with my blues    i need them    although i accept my blues more as time goes by, i have yet to totally embrace it   i'm workin on it, but it is difficult   i know the time will come i'll be in full acceptance and the sooner, the better   it's just part of the process i'm going thru   quiet moments like these will give me the time to fully embrace the blues....Life is truly Good!

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

middle of november

alas, i'm back internet cable line got chewed by Jasmine so i've been out of function for awhile    so what is there to tell since last week?   nothing and everything i suppose    first i'm a little numb at the moment   today's news on my health wasn't that great   my mental health is fine, now it's female issues   i actually got the news a couple days ago, but today was the day i was facing it a bit    a couple months ago i had an abnormal pap   now there's one more test to check if i have the big C or not   as long as i don't think about it, i'm ok   the appointment hasn't even been scheduled yet, but all in time i'd say....and over the weekend, i gave up 2 dogs here   both went to different rescue places and if not placed already, will be    i chose to hang onto Charlie and Jimmy    Max and Jasmine are gone    although jasmine is kyle's dog, kyle hasn't been here for a couple weeks nor has he been caring for her much    so i took it upon myself to find her a better place   the only way to hold onto jasmine was giving up one more of my dogs, which i couldn't do   it was hard as hell to give up either dog, but it was necessary so i can find a home for us other 3    as far as i can tell, kyle no longer lives here   at least for now    he's hangin with his army GI buddies and that's where he needs to be    i hope all is going well with him for i haven't heard from him much since he's been gone   i know he's fine and he needs to be doing his own life   i just still think of him daily wondering if i'll hear from the meantime, class is on break for a week this next week    just what i need too   so many distractions from it lately i haven't been able to focus as much on it    i did get my class project completed and presented it last nite    now i can truly relax for the remainder of the class and enjoy    just do my readings and learn more   the parables are teaching me actually more than i ever imagined    i'm going to stay in touch with Rod our instructor once the class is finished so i can learn more on the bible.....and the latest on my house, it finally goes on the market this friday/saturday   all repairs will be done manana   my realtor is a perfectionist   she wants everything looking like a model home   i had no idea when i called her a couple months ago she would be so meticulous    it's almost over   now for a quick sale and i'll be one happy camper.....last but not least, i finally get to see my friend Steph manana   i haven't seen her in about 4mos or longer    it'll be good to catch up and see, i need some quiet time to soak in some more this recent health issue    i'lll keep you posted    i'm saying a prayer it turns out to be nothing but a virus....

Friday, November 11, 2005

Veteran's Day

Veterans Day     A Salute to all our Veterans and active duty soldiers !    God bless you all!   Thank you for serving our country!


good morning all....i woke to some good news   i think i have found some places to rent where i can keep Charlie    i spoke to a rental agency this morn and she said there shouldn't be too much of a problem    yesterday i called all the apartment complexes about dog restrictions    they all had breed restrictions and pitt bulls was on that list    by the end of the day i felt defeated    i felt there was no hope for Charlie    so after talking with this rental agency this morn, there is new hope   even light at the end of the tunnel    i've been soooo worried about Charlie    i didn't want someone to have him and end up treating him maliciously   i also didn't want them to lose him (since he's a jumper) only to end up in the pound   i realized last nite thru a conversation with a friend that i am very protective of Charlie   he's the only dog to give me more heartache and headache but he is worth all of that simply for being his Charlie self    he's a handfull and i was afraid no one else could really handle him   my mr. social butterfly   one who still behaves as if he's a puppy although he's 5yrs old now   my Christmas present 4yrs ago and he's a handsome devil my day is off to a good start    here's hoping the remainder of the day continues to be good...

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

nurturing nite

sitting here eatin my chilli    only because i must eat something   mostly i feel like curling up to a good book and my kids    i realized a moment ago i haven't nurtured myself lately    been too busy with the house, work and class     and when i get blue as i did last week, i definitely need to take time out and nourish my soul, my being, my spirit     kathleen, my therapist, reminded me of it this morn    she returned my call    she reminded me of what i need to do when depressed    and i told her my depression is still teaching me humility   the humility is more acceptance of my blues    i went thru stages of acceptance until total acceptance of the crazy part of me    this year i'm in the stages with my depression   God i want it to go away, yet I KNOW it won't    it will be here   the rollercoaster ride will continue   this is the unfairness of life that's been dealt to me   with last weeks episode, i've been wondering why God?    but truly my illness is a GIFT!    it has shown me what is truly in important in life   i have become more compassionate and understanding that i ever thought possible    i am reminded that despite it, i am still a loving expression of God   that God is with me always, in me, as me, is me    (this is our New Thought belief)   my blessings are many and come in various sizes, shapes, ways and however they come to me   there are not enough words to express the value of life   one day, i think my wisdom from this experience will be a tool for others with same or similar experiences    may my journey be a service to others in any small way possible   may my humbleness from this illness be a guiding light   may God Bless everyone with perfect health and happiness despite the struggles     and may each new dawn bring sunshine to your heart and all the treasures God, Life, has brought us...

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

the wink

well....tonite was i didn't wink at her, nor did she either    we had bumped into each other in the parking lot    but i did finally ask her about her winking   she didn't even know she was doing   my instincts were correct    she is straight   she's just been saying hello when she was winking    i gave her a book tonite   she insisted i write in it    it would have  been done already but i know she doesn't  mark her books up   i did honor her with writing a special note in the book to her    M is a wonderful woman   just very loving and giving   just as i thought    i treasure her friendship and if i ever need to tell her why i asked her about the wink, i'll let her know   i'll let her know i'm gay, not sure i'll let her know i've been attracted to her    it was a good evening   and i also realized i made the transition that she is just a friend    now i have new ideas, or actually old remembered ideas, of what qualities to look for in a partner    in the meantime, i have my doggies for now   i'm happy single   happy alone   time will tell whether someone will come into my life, back to my charlie brown    he's bugging for attention    he's going to get some especially since i may not have him much longer    letting go of my kids is tearing me up....

Monday, November 7, 2005

warm before cold?

it was 70 degrees today, or so that's what the weather forecast predicted    it was really nice, However, some of customers told me that come Wednesday the cold front will be here   guess i'll need my leggins after all soon   and everyone around here has the sniffles, including me    i just hope it doesn't turn into a full blown bug    must find my vitamin C  soon    ...anyways, my son made it home today    as usual he hadn't eaten all day, so i whipped up some chili for him    this time i added tomatoes which he hates, but i wanted them along with the green chilis   that mixed with jalapenos makes for a nice hot chilli anyways, kyle begins to tell me about his weekend and then some    i've come to realize he tells me everything but the details of his sex life   some of this stuff i'd rather not know, but i'd rather he be able to communicate with me about anything, than not communicate at all    i think i'm the first adult relative that he's able to share his life with   remember he's a young man and they sure can talk a lot of    blowin smoke left and right   but it doesn't bother me   i know he needs to experience his life as he sees fit    i remember when i was his age, in the military, and doing whatever i desired-i just didn't blow smoke like he does   i was tooo green...anyways, these are the times and as long as he knows my door is always open to listen, that's all that matters    all is good between us....anyways, the day is over    i'm chillin in front of the football game    a busy day lies ahead of me tomorrow   more cleaning and tidying up finally....o yeah, did i tell you, kyle sent one of his soldier buddies to wake me this morning at 4:30am to find his tie and belt    all i could think of was this is what parents go thru?    and do all children tell everything to their parents?

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Chocolate! hand over your chocolate!

it's cold outside   ok maybe a little nippy but not really cold cold    i had to run to Walmart for some coffee filters   had to create my own this morn for coffee   so i headed for filters and some more wood pellets only to find they had closed the garden section at 8pm   i was a half hour late   i have enough pellets for part of the nite and will pick up some more manana    anyways,   i was craving chocolate   have been for a few days now   blue about being blue and can't seem to get over that hump at the moment   so i decide on Baskin Robbins   Hot Fudge sundae with Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream   double the fudge   hmmmm   hmmmm goood! while i'm out and about, i begin thinking about M again    now awhile ago i wrote an entry on the love of my life, but deleted it   it was about M   briefly she is a friend in my Bible Wisdom class    she was in my Foundations Class as well this last spring   well back in september, i suddenly found myself attracted to her (it snuck upon me   i wasn't lookin for anyone)  wonderful woman    anyways, i think she's straight (heterosexual) as all get out, therefore i wouldn't ask her out on a date (respect for her own sexuality)   anyways, she winks at me everytime i come to class   i've been figuring she's just saying hello   well Tjnya today implied again that maybe there's more to it that just that   granted M doesn't wink at anyone else in the class, but who knows maybe this is the way she greets her friends?    i don't know    i've been flustered for 2months over her and finally let it be that she's just a good friend...until Tjnya's chat today...well i still desire to let it be and if i should discover anything else along the way, then i'll say something    so what do you think j-landers?   should i ask M about the winking?  let it be?   ask her about her sexuality?   let it be as friends?   whatever will be will be   i love her friendship and if that's all there is to it, that's ok by me    we'll see in time    in a couple nites i'll see M for the first time in 2weeks at class   first time since letting it be as friends as well    i'll see how i react to her and her winking....

well, today, was basically another lazy day    i took yesterday off as well   again blue about being blue   damn blues!   anyways, i was suppose to clean today   Pat my realtor came by, but she isn't listing the house til friday   she'd rather get some more repairs done before listing    so i have tuesday off and can clean then    i have done some laundry and picked up my bedroom    after Pat's visit for couple hours, i took a nap    then i watched a couple real life crime shows   really intense   made me question whether to still continue my criminal justice degree    i've been thinking of studying metaphysics instead anyways    i would like to be able to utilize my degree in some way once completed    having my illness i'm very doubtful i'll be able to be employed anywhere in the criminal justice fields    with a metaphysics or new thought something or other degree i can personally grow from it as well as use it at church   i'd like to be a Practioner there (sorta like spiritual counseling)    these thoughts have been on my mind this past week especially thinking of my retirement and what will I do once retired?   what will my illness allow me to do?   unfortunately it dictates my life often   it's a PAIN IN THE ASS!    i'm still processing this rollercoaster ride i'm on   i even recognized that whoever the love of my life will be, she must be pretty damn special to be able to handle me and my illness    it gets really ROUGH at times   it's enough for me to deal with let alone having a lover to go through it with me   she must be very strong, not panic, and be supportive    but having a lover will be gravy    i'm ok living alone and being alone, but still prefer a partner in my life   so i'll just see what life holds for me in that department    i'll always at least have one dog   my kids now fullfill my life completely with their unconditional love   they are a woman's best friend!   

for now, i trek on.....dying to be retired...ready for another life....God will show me the way   all in time....God Bless you all for your support and friendship:-)!

Saturday, November 5, 2005

one saturday eve

kyle just dropped in for a moment    he's been gone since yesterday doing army guard duty weekend   i'll see him tomorrow nite   he briefly mentioned finding an apartment but they won't allow pets   i love my son    he does try really hard   i've been afraid lately he hasn't grasped his responisibilities in life so i had a little chat with him the other day   at least i talk with him and not yell & scream at him as other family members would do    he's a good kid and is doing his damnest to get work so he can take care of himself    it's just hard on me a bit    i'm not accustomed to having a son to take care of   especially a hungry son    well i spent my last penny on groceries today   think it'll last us a couple weeks   if not we'll be back to p & j     i'm going to miss kyle when he's gone   i didn't think i would ever have such a relationship with one of my nephews    he'll be in town and i'm sure we'll hang together from time to time-unless he goes active duty    we'll see what life has in store for him   last nite while he was home for a moment, he informed me that the guard denied his request to join his unit in iraq, HOWEVER, they're going to see if they can send him anyway along with another unit    i have my ideas as to why he desires to go, but won't ask him until he's gone and come back    i'm proud of him regardless   he's going to make it in this world despite some difficulty in his childhood    must let him know that soon too   he's a good kid to be a mother for    i look forward to the day he can be on active duty, not so much for me, but really for him for he Loves the military and it suits him well    i gained a lot by being in the Air Force at his age   once he's active, i'll try to convince him to stay for 20yrs or more   wish i had myself   it can be a great career, my heart was into going to school   i'm still workin on that, but that's ok too    Life always deals us cards we're not expecting the meantime, i'm finishing up tidying things around here this weekend   we're listing the house monday i believe   i'm anxioius to sell and move closer to the mtns   just wish it was summer   it'd be warmer to move in    and i hope my new place has a wood stove of sorts or fireplace   i love a fire in the winters!   not only its warmth but its atmosphere it creates    my romance for the

Thursday, November 3, 2005

late nite...

it's 8:45pm and i just got home from work-UGH!!!   i went in late, but that wasn't the problem, or was it?   no, it was usual mismanagement of the mail   i fellow co-worker picked up half a route at 5:30pm to deliver, 3hrs worth   they sent me to help him at 6pm   it's pitch black by then, and poor Patrick didn't know this route   even me with some familiarity it was hard to deliver in the dark   Patrick hasn't been a carrier but for a year, if that   he's a great carrier but today he was having one of his worse days as a carrier   i assured him it wasn't him, this was typical management here and 'welcome to the post office'    i'm not even on the overtime list and they had me helping him    so i put in a 10hour day today with no for dinner, i'm having coffee with some Bailey's regardless how late it is   and on an empty stomach   i need something to wind down      kyle got home late too, so our doggies were outside for a very long day    right now they're all sound asleep   i just left a comment on my previous journal entry, that i can't even THINK about giving any of these kids up    they are my greatest treasures in life    it just breaks my heart having to depart with them    i'm going to keep looking for a place that i can keep them   the mountains would do it, but i must take care of my health first unfortunately     in the meantime, a friend from work called this morn and gave me a number for the Golden Retriever Rescue place    i will meet with the woman this sunday and introduce Max   they already informed me they can place him   it's just that i'll miss him now, i'll go have that drink right now and enjoy watching my kids sleep....

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

head butt

think kyle and i had our first head butting contest tonite     i persisted with him doing the dishes   he waited til the last minute to do them just before leaving for the nite   he's spending the nite with a friend   i told him the rules today and if he doesn't adhere to them, he'd have to find another place to live   3 simple rules:  1. pay rent   2.  contribute to the mess, u will help clean up the messes around here  3. GOLDEN RULE!   don't lose Charlie!    he doesn't do drugs or get wasted here so there were no rules necessary for that   he has decided finally to go active duty into the Marines   he'll be working on the paper work to release him from the Army Nat'l Guard    i told him i always have thought this was the best course for him, but waited until he realized it for himself    he really is good kid mostly, just typical rebellious teenager at times the meantime, i'm lookin for a place to rent in town    coming to discover it's going to be difficult to find a place to rent with 4 dogs   i may have to get it down to 2 dogs, but i'm saying a pray that i find a place to allow me all four    i hate giving up my dogs for any reason, but if i must, i will find two another home    i know i must keep Jimmy and will be flexible with the remainder   i don't desire to even think about it at this moment   wish me luck in my search....until another day   God Bless...take care

Monday, October 31, 2005

one monday morn

mornin' all...i haven't written much lately   been a bit stressed and just trying to wind down   so i'm having hot apple pie and coffee this morn while waiting for  the dogs to chill out   i've also discovered that my space bar is not  working well  i wonder if kyle spilled something on this  this entry may be  very short...damn if it's not one thing it's another nowadays  getting the house prepared for selling  is stressful,  kyle is stressful(he's sending his money to his girlfriend in lieu of contributing to our welfare), work load has picked up as usual....anyways, it's stress!  i'm waiting for this move to be over   for kyle to have his own place   for me to have my space back ...yes i'm spoiled....i'm ready to be retired, but the paper work just finally got submitted a couple days ago    i'm ready for some relief and it's not coming soon    i'm moody this morn-ugh!    thank goodness i get to see my therapist this afternoon   she'll be a great help just to unload for an hour    why can't life be simplier?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

cool inside

it's coool in here!   came home with the door ajar because Saddie painted the doors today   she's been doing my interior painting prepping the house for sale   i think it's all but ready for the market   she's also going to assist me this weekend in packing and straightening up   can't get my son to help much nowadays around here   so while he's working, we'll pack & the meantime, i'm ready for him to have his own place   we definitely talked about that once we move from here   i'm keeping my fingers crossed   i love him dearly, but it's time he be on his own.....tonite i'm listening to 99.5fm radio with Delila (sp?)   she takes dedications and plays all these love songs every nite from 7pm til about midnite i think    i hadn't listened to this in years, mostly because i have no love life at the moment   but lately i'm feeling great about life in general (for the past 3months actually)   so now i can fully enjoy the love songs and this station all day long again   it's refreshing   it's sooo nice to be back again   over the past 7yrs i have said many times i have felt more 'normal' as time has gone by   these past few months, i feel TOTALLY back from the long journey of my illness   i'm at peace   i'm happy again   i still have my rollercoaster ride with the blues, but i know that this is the way it is, and the way it is not   i accept this   the blues are just another day in the life of Karen   i am blessed in many ways despite some struggles   Life is grand in all its beauty!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


i came home tonite from work and class   very long day   i forgot to take my meds this evening, so i'm a little round up until they kick in   ...anyways, my dogs finally ate once i got home   after eating, jasmine and charlie were still playing   charlie's her best friend    they play all day outside together   i know this from charlie's entangled chain i keep him on   it's all twisted as tight as possible and shrunk to 8' versus it's full length of 30'     don't know what jasmine will do without charlie should kyle find them a place to live together   i also was noticing how beautiful she's growing into    i'll have to take more pics soon    she's such a sweetie too   she comes wakes me up in the morn, early morn, scratchin on the door to get in    she greets me more often nowadays than she has initially    one things for sure, i won't let Nicole take her away from Kyle and I    she's kyle dog 1000%   she's mine, the rest of the time    anyways, i have kyle on the right track making her his officially    ....did i tell you kyle got another job?   he found out today he'll be working at least 38hrs a week until they can find a full time position for him   with those hours he's talking finding his own place if he doesn't go to iraq ...anyways, all is well in abq...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Lavendar Light

ok since this entry is about our Lavendar Light meeting tonite, i'll post it in lavender i suppose    anyways, this was my first meeting attended   it's our churches support group for those of diverse sexuality, family and friends    it was great to meet everyone tonite   about 8 of us showed up    one straight couple as well supporting us   i'm happy i went, but is there such a thing as too much intellect?   too intellectual?   we had a couple questions for discussion tonite and half the group was talking way over my head!   they have been religious science people for a very long time and are up to date on the latest in the consciousness shifting of our world   i'm just a babe in the woods on all of this    plus i think i'm such a simple woman    granted i love intellectual stimuli, but tonite was tooo much for me   i'm just beginning my spiritual journey over again, these people have been on their paths since infiniti i think   anyways, i did enjoy their company and support   i will continue to attend on monday nites as well as continue to grow from them   i also started feeling a shift within me while there, which isn't surprising   this shift is an internal shift and happens often while going to church and attending classes   there is this wonderful energy present there   tis grand to have such a place to feel all that energy and love   such a blessing to have wonderful people, like-minded, sharing and supporting you    such a great place our church and its teachings   i have a loooooooong way to go, but all in time    there is plenty of time, and maybe one day if i choose, i can talk as deeply and intellectually as these kind souls did tonite....thank you God for this group!   thank you everyone who was there tonite!   thank you God for the blessings of today!  ....Amen

Sunday, October 23, 2005

almost over

well it's sunday evening   the weekend is almost over and i'm almost done with my floors   just a little bit more giving the small portion left a second coat of resealing    boy this weekend go by fast   but i finally get to relax a little tonite and just chill with homework   the place isn't totally organized, but it looks much better with the paint job pretty much done and the floor resealed       it's all shiny now   just need to paint the trim and organize now   can't do either tonite for the seal must not be traveled upon til after 6hrs   by then i'll be in bed   ....i'm looking forward to a nice quiet evening minus my dogs barking to get in   i didn't make it to the mtns, so i went to church instead   i'll have next sunday & monday off, so the mtns will definitely be in the plans then   there will be plenty time to get there as well the meantime, i did get in a movie this weekend, Four Brothers    it is a good movie, i just wasn't in the mood for violence at the time   a quietness had overcome me just before the movie   o well, it was only a dollar, so couldn't pass it up....o yes, Kyle found another job  he got interviewed and hired yesterday    he'll be working at Foley's as a salesman   he should be getting the hours he needs too    this made my day   just as i get a little frustrated with him, he's out doing something good to make up for all of it   is this typical of children?   i'm not accustom to being a     anyways, i'll keep everyone posted on selling of the house    need to start lookin for a place again to live   this is all happening too fast and not fast enough.....until another day....have a good one!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

weekend agenda

tomorrow i'm finally getting this computer to Russ to be worked on    i told him he can have it as long as he needs   so who knows when i'll be back online   besides this weekend i'm resealing my saltillo tile floors    need to clean them first then reseal    don't know how long it will take, but it all must be done this weekend   then it's tidy up the place, spit shined as well, so we can start showing this place for buyers    i also have homework and i'm going to do my damnest to get to the mtns for a few hours in between all this   too much stress going on right now   need some down time big time     i'm even skipping church to squeeze it all in    things will be changing within a month or so, and i'm ready for it....for now, my dogs are all round up, barking up a to my ears....

Monday, October 17, 2005

decision made

hmmm  long day   but every day at work these days seems awfully long    spent 1hr in the office and 7 on the street    that's like working overtime  ....anyways, in the midst of it all this morn, i all but decided not to move to the mountains   one aspect which i forgot to consider came to mind today-retirement    if i retire while in the mtns, i'd become ms. hermit and i don't desire to do that    i want all the opportunities of city life when retired:  the bookstores, shopping malls, entertainment industry, and the mountains only a few minutes away    i can go hiking all i want once retired    there's still a place to rent on my postal route    i'm keeping my eye on it   it's perfect for my dogs and me, but if kyle moves in, i won't be able to afford it unless he gives a bigger contribution to the household    of course he can do that if he's full time military     right now i'm just going to wait, see if he goes to iraq   i think he'll know by the end of the month   one step at a time    one decision made, the other will show up in time   no hurry.....well in the meantime, i'm chillin tonite   we have the baseball game on, muted, while listening to some good music    i'll finish up homework tonite also for class manana   just a little more reading and a questionnaire....time for a shower Now    kyle has WWF or WWE stuff on   can't stand that wrestling crap!

from dona's journal

Pay It Forward1- First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.  A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.  A
special note was attached..

It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.  Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."


Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.  "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.  "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, was one quarter, two dimes and five pennies.

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Now you have 2 choices.

1. Ignore this post, or
2. Repost it so other people can read it.

I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember.

Most importantly...

"Work like you don't need the money, sing like no one is listening, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."

NOW more than ever - Please...Pay It Forward...hug three people you love and ask them to pay it forward as well.

~~"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away" -Unknown~~

~~"The risk takers might not live long, but the cautious never live at all" -Unknown~~

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

break time

takin a break from packing   got one room cleaned out   still have my bath and kyle's room, but he can do his in the morn    i've sat down and shouldn't have   i drank a lil jim bean this eve and am feelin good    totally needed to relax from too much stress    it's been a good day    got some of my answers i was pondering earlier    i also got lots done today   packing and studying i think i'll go to bed   there's always manana to finish things....g'nite

critical thinking

good i sit having my coffee, reading journal entries, i remember my criticism days of old    before my illness, i used to be very critical of people   the memories that returned to me were some of those moments   i think i still have some left   old memories, old attitudes have resurfaced lately    not that i'm happy about it, but i must be ok with this about me   it'll teach me to shut the !@#$$ up!   this gives me a chance to understand myself more deeply   granted i'm human and we all criticize, but sometimes i'd rather not    guess i'm trying to live like Mother Theresa at times, but frankly that's impossible i think for most of us including me   i was angry with Tjnya the other nite   this morn i'm getting a little perturbed with Val, a friend in Washington    is it i'm not accepting them totally for who they are and expecting too much ?   i will know in time   maybe i expect too much of myself and it spills over to my friends at times?   the human experience is treacherous i think, but it is also very warming, thoughtful, kind, and generous too   i just keep forgetting the latter   i desire to have faith in people again, but with my history, it's tough at moments    i was even thinking about the people at work and the crap i must put up with there   thru that difficult environment, i've learned to take care of myself, first and foremost   it's a pressure cooker job with constant criticism from management   just their style of managing   it's been this way for eons   there is no working with them   they just desire to continuously slave drive you   well i slaved for many years   i love the hard work and the production i do   now i just don't slave for them anymore   they don't like it and they can't take a jump in the lake for all i care  (btw, most of us employees at the p.o. feel this way)   so the point of all this?   am i too critical?   or is criticism just another facet of life for me to accept in the whole?   is criticism and judgment the same thing?   these questions i ponder this morn, but not for long   i'mheaded for my homework    and in my homework, i learn answers to my questions and more    this Bible Wisdom class and Jesus' parables are teaching me lots   i love it!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

a little bit of good news...

my son, kyle, came home today from his 1st day of drill weekend   he found out that if he doesn't go to iraq, they have an active duty position available to work there full time    this is very good news for us   now he will have a  regular 40hr job   i'm very happy for him   he loves being in his soldier's uniform, so now he can wear it all the time   he just glows when he's in it and is elated when with his unit and buddies   this is going to do him lots of in time, we'll decide whether for him to get his own apartment   right now, we're just focusing on moving from here   all that will be here soon    i'm doing more packing tomorrow reading the house for interior painting   the roof has been fixed   just need to fix the ceiling and we're good to go   next weekend i'll re-seal my saltillo floor   then it's up for showing   i can't wait.....yesterday i had a very rough day will my illness   on days like those, i question whether to live in the mtns or not   all in time i'll know for sure   i'm patiently waiting for the answer from God...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

short note...

and then i'm packing some more   i went to check on another place in the mtns to rent   I fell in love with it    now all i need to do is come up with the deposit, rent and my house payment all at once basically    i'm saying a prayer that it all comes together very soon    in the meantime, i also checked to see what it entailed to reseal my saltilllo floor   almost like waxing a floor   so next weekend that is what i'll be doing   cleaning and resealing it with a high gloss, maybe satin   anyways, then we can put the house on the market    i'm praying too that the house sells very quickly    please say a prayer for me, very soon, i'm taking this puter to Russ' so he can work on it   i'll be gone for a few days    i'll see you when i get back    have a good one....

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

hi all

well,  it's been a few days    i've been lazy and contemplating   i think too much sometimes   like today   i got started and it wouldn't stop today    so i'm taking a time out writing this journal    monday, i did my homework for Bible Wisdom class   it was awesome!   we're studying Jesus' teachings and the parables he taught    i learned sooo much from just one parable   i had no idea they had so much depth to them   such simple words and not a whole lot of them giving such understanding     i can hardly wait to read next week's assignment   this class is just what i desired to learn and more the meantime, i bought another book the other day, Real Love, by Greg Baer, M.D.   i know, i was reading Potter, however i put it down due to class    i've been barely able to squeeze my assignments in, let alone Potter   but after last nite's class, i recognized i don't need to worry   over half the class showed up without reading the assignment   so now, i'll set aside sundays to take care of Bible Wisdom studies    so, the other days, i'm going to read Real Love before returning to Potter   it's a book about unconditional love & fulfilling relationships    I am ready for a relationship with someone, but i still much to learn about them, or so i think anyways   i haven't been successful in previous relationships, but i was young and dumb too   regardless, i always desire to learn more of life and improve myself if nothing else   i've read a few pages already on this book and like it thus far    plus this book is not as thick as Potter #5    i'll let you know anything interesting in the book should it show itself, back at the ranch (my house),   i came home tonite to just the dogs   kyle is at a friends and will be for the nite   when i came home, a new perspective hit me regarding kyle-he's being a irresponsible kid too    he's a good kid, a sweetheart, but i'm thinking by him living with me he's not growing up more   instead, i think this is continuing his teenage years (this came to light in seeing the disarray of my house this evening)   anyways, i've already briefly mention the thought of setting him up in an apartment if i move to the mtns   having this realization indicates to me i probably should    he works manana and i don't   i go see another place in the mtns to rent which is smaller than my 954sq ft now    i love my nephew dearly   he is a joy to have around, but....i need to do what's best for me...and him....i had prayed for guidance and clarity today   this does give me some clarity tonite   i'll keep my eyes and ears open for more clarity to come.......well, one more thing   GO WHITE SOX!!!   my Red Sox loss, so i'm supporting the black & white!

Sunday, October 9, 2005

I Am There

                                                I Am There

                                Written by James Dillet Freeman

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                                               Do you need Me?

                                                     I am there.

                      You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.

                   You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.

             You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.


                   I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.

                   I am at work, though you do not understand My works.

                          I am not strange visions, I am not mysteries.


              Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know Me

                      as I AM, and then but as a feeling and a faith.


                            Yet I am here.  Yet I hear.  Yet I answer.

                                     When you need ME, I am there.

                                    Even if you deny Me, I am there.

                               Even when you feel most alone, I am there.

                                    Even in your fears, I am there.

                                    Even in your pain, I am there.


                     I am there when you pray and when you do not pray.

                                     I am in you, and you are in Me.

                    Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for

                    Only in your mind are the mists of “yours” and “mine”.

               Yet only with your mind can you know Me and experience Me.


                                   Empty your heart of empty fears.

                        When you get yourself out of the way, I am there.

                         You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.

                                                    And I AM in all.


                      Though you may not see the good, good is there, for

                   I am there.  I am there because I have to be, because I AM.


  Only in Me does the world have meaning; only out of Me does the world take form;

                             Only because of ME does the world go forward.

                             I am the law on which the movement of the stars

                                And the growth of living cells are founded.


                     I am the love that is the law’s fulfilling.  I am assurance.

                  I am peace.  I am oneness.  I am the law that you can live by.

                       I am the love that you can cling to.  I am your assurance.

                               I am your peace.  I am ONE with you.  I am.


                                 Though you fail to find ME, I do not fail you.

                          Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you never

                               Wavers, because I know you, because I love you.


                                               Beloved, I am there.


i needed this morn    to be reminded that God is there no matter what   no matter when   no matter whatever    i'm second guessing about my move to the mountains   i'd do it in a heartbeat if kyle wasn't here    maybe as i let this be for now, kyle will learn of whether he'll be deployed to iraq    but, i also recognize the advantages of living in town   so i'm torn and not sure what to do at the moment   so when there's a fork in my road and i don't know which way to travel, i wait   the answer will come to me    and i know God will show me which way....