Monday, February 28, 2005

a good day with my therapist

I LOVE MY THERAPIST!!! it was our monthly meeting and boy does she have me pegged or what   think she knows me better than i know myself sometimes   i started the day being a bit down,  ok more than a bit   i was beginning to pick up some when i had her appointment   she finished picking me up and it made my day   we talked a little about my friend who hadn't been chatting with me and that scenario (btw, she did contact me last night)   we talked about my philosophy in life and how it clashes  with my workplace   but my philosophy probably would clash with any work place   i believe in smelling the roses every day, hug your kids and pets and hubby or wife or mate, feel the warmth of the sun and the caress of the wind on your face    take care of yourself and your family,   everything else will take care of itself     Life is really simple    enjoy it simply    no better way therapist proposed a question    she asked if it's difficult for people to have a relationship with me    i honestly didn't know, but will think about it    maybe it is for some, and not so for others     i alwas thought it was easy for people to have friendships or intimate relationships with me, but i could be wrong, very wrong     i'm not worried about it either way     i know i am a compassionate, understanding human who's heart goes out to all really     as kathleen mentioned (my therapist) , my boundaries may be blurred a bit from not learning those from my youth    i also recognized that sometimes i'll overreact with my friends unintentionally (as i did recently)    i know i'm not perfect and wouldn't want to be either   i really just want to be human     i'm learning and relearning everyone has 'different' friendships    what is ok with some friends, is not ok with others     and all that is ok     life is about learning, growing and changing     i welcome growth and change     ......the past couple months i haven't been my best    my blues have really been kickin me in the butt    i've been barely holding myself together    kathleen and i also talked about that    what we discussed i will take to my psychriatrist who i see next monday    think we came up with a solution to handle these blues that i feel are connected to menopause     i've been checking out the possible side affects of hormone replacement therapy and i don't like the looks of them   one of them being dementia really turned me off to it    a co-worker has suggested acupuncture but that can rack up some dough each month     herbs are out for they could really mess up my meds and my head       sooooo,   i'm going to ask if we can increase my antidepressant just for those 2weeks a month that i'm buried in depression    i'll see what dr. fallon has to say (my shrink)    she'll know     she's been with me for 6yrs just like kathleen    they both take good care of me    i'm very grateful for their presence in my life    they hold me together when i can't........anyways, it was a great day at the therapist's office    Life is good again!    it actually is good all the time except when the blues have me down-ugh!     o well,   i'm fine    i have things to do, people to meet, places to go!    and this week i start school again with the univ of phoenix    i'm excited!    at last, the road again to my degree!    i can hardly wait! was a beautiful day out today   in the clear sky, i saw the sandia mtns afar and was reminded it is all worth living        thank you God!    thank you me!   God bless you all!


Friday, February 25, 2005


Quiet enveloped me this afternoon while delivering my mail   maybe it was the big snowflakes mixed in with the rain and the cold wind upon my face   whatever it was it put me in a reflective contemplative mood of sorts   i got back to the office after delivering and found some carriers hovering around the super's desk   no big deal but the conversation was about petty things at the job   i immediately remembered that i no longer look at life the same   it's tough sometimes knowing people get upset over things that dont matter really     friendships, people and life are really what's most important    Living like there's no tomorrow      God grant me the serenity to change that which i can,   the  courage to change that which i can't, and the wisdom to know the difference   (i hope i got that prayer right)     anyways,   i accept i can't change people     today i accepted that i may have lost one of my best buds    not thru death,  just thru non-communication    she stopped chatting with me two weeks ago and i really don't know why     i speculated it had to do with one of my journal entries    i apologized to her if i hurt her, but to no avail      i know she has some other things going on, but i really don't know what to think    so i'm letting her be      i no longer have the emotional energy to keep up with anyone who won't communicate to me    i am not angry    a little hurt, but i will be fine     i'll miss her sorely    i already do     but i must continue on without her   Life is too short and precious for me to stay stuck somewhere     i've already lost 10yrs of my life by just dealing with my illness    i have more than enough to make up for and live for that was delayed     i no longer burn bridges but i will not allow anyone to bring me down    i'll think of her from time to time and hope one day she will talk to me again  ......until then,   life goes on      take time to hug your kids and smell a rose each day     you never know when tomorrow may not come.......

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Godmother 4 Tabou

i'm worn out!   too much excitement for me today   Tjnya called and wanted me to go with her to pick up her new rottweiler puppy   i said sure i can't ever say no to a puppy or dog    well now i am a proud Godmother to Tabou   she's only 6weeks old and just adorable   met her parents and they're not really big rotts their temperments were really mellow too therefore Tabou is going to be just perfect for Tjnya   (i had a rott before and Tjnya ended up with her she was so sweet Journey was a big sweetheart)   anyways, once we picked up Tabou we had to go shopping for her    we took her to Sam's Club for dog food    she fit perfectly in my hooded sweatshirt pocket   head out one side and the other side was her little tail    we then headed to Walgreens for some shampoo, a dish, brush and puppy food     well Tjnya discovered ticks on her so we naturally got flea/tick shampoo    so while Tjnya bathed her at her house, i came home and got a crate and pillow i had here i wasn't using    back at Tj's i cleaned up the crate and pillow then sat down and held Tabou while Tj cooked us dinner    well while holding her and brushing her, you're not going to believe this but, it was like a rain storm of ticks falling off Tabou    poor little thing was tremendously infected     ticks fell all over my lap and the teddy bear she was lying on     i couldn't believe it there were so many    well that wasn't the end of it   after dinner , Tj was checkin out her ears again only to find tons more just surrounding her ears    Tabou is getting another flea/tick bath in 3days    the great thing that is happening is Tabou is allowing Tj to do all this to her without a fuss     she's going to be another big sweetheart    People if you think rottweilers, dobermans, and pitt bulls are dangerous dogs, please think again     they have a bad rep, but it really is the owner training them to be mean     i've had and have all the above   i've had no problems with any of mine    the most aggressive dogsi've had have been german shepherds     dogs of all breeds can be dangerous    i just wish the forementioned didn't have such a bad rep    my pitt i have now is such a people lover    he is mr. social butterfly and wouldn't hurt any person     yes he may get in a dog fight, but when it comes to people he is extremely harmless      i can't keep him home because he loves to visit the neighborhood, literally      well i'm happy to have one more kid(dog) in my life even tho she's Tj's dog     i already told her if she ever needed a babysitter, i'm available     well that's been my day    as i drove home tonight, i felt worn out from all the excitement    it's been a great day which i wasn't expecting.......take care       laterz

Friday, February 18, 2005

rainy day

it's been raining on and off all day, yet it still is warm   i started out with my leggins on again only to remove them despite the rain   the dreary rain and clouds matched my moodiness today   while delivering my mail i listened to my country's station radiothon for St Jude's Children Hospital   it's been on for two days and it always moves me   i made a contribution last year and this past October when the CFC (combined federal campaign) came around , i signed up for a monthly contribution   i can't get thru those 2 days without shedding some tears   God Bless all those children, St. Judes and all the people that are affected by kids with of the songs played today during the radiothon was the Judds' 'Love can build a bridge'     i immediately thought of Ashley Judd and all the bridges  she is doing with her work as the Ambassador of YouthAIDS Program and her journey to the foreign countries     i must comment in her journal and let her know just that soon as i got home, i had to pull out their cd and play the song    it's my all time favorite!     i also started a fire although it wasn't cold enough to have     i just wanted to be warm and cozy tonight in any way i could     and i can leave on my uniform shorts too if i choose    but i doubt i will do that     i like getting out of my monkey suit asap once home  .....and thank God for great musicians and artists     nowadays i do sooo much better listening to such wonderful music    it really helps me get thru my blues and moodiness like today    it took my friend Tjnya to help me get to work today    i need help sometimes to pull myself together from the blues to get to work     damn blues!    i'll just have to keep listening to my music daily and wear my Pink      i've been going PINK crazy this past couple weeks     i have no clue why, but i've been buying Pink like it's going out of style and have had it on in some fashion every day for over a week now    today it was a pink bandana with my uniform    o well i hope i don't get over it but i used to despise the color     i was , and still am, such a tomboy!     when i was a kid i always wanted to be a boy    they got to do whatever they wanted    so i played football with them every chance i got    i also played softball till i was 40 when i stopped playing all sports     now i just want to be hiking, backpacking, rock climbing and whatever way i can be in nature     and not only have the pink craze came in, i allowed Tjnya to paint my nails the other day    i've never ever painted my nails    i'm clueless with what's the femme side of me doing nowadays, but i'm enjoying it     it's alot of fun, but there will be no make up    the nails are enough!   LOL......anyways, i'm going to get to my autobio on dr. martin luther king now     i have only 8 chapters remaining    i'll probably finish the book this weekend    then it's back to the bio on John F Kennedy that i started this last summer i didn't ever finish    i was reminded while reading King's book.....well ya'll have a good one!

Monday, February 14, 2005


Happy Valentines Day!'s been a great evening   my friend Tjnya and I went out for a bite to eat, but not where everyone else went    we headed to the Village Inn think only one person, maybe two were actually working there tonight   the food was cold, but the coffee and company were great!   it's been a very long time since Tjnya and i got together   Tjnya is my best friend here in abq   she was there when i got psychotic and came to my rescue   she got me help and stood by me throughout my whole ordeal    the past few years we haven't been in contact a whole lot     in her own way, she's a bit of a recluse in the middle of the city    but so am i    we're both a little bit country and like to stay at home    in december, i found out she had moved only across the street so to speak    since then we have been in more contact      although we haven't seen or talked to one another for sometime, our love for one another in friendship has not faded    no matter whatever may happen to each of us, the other will always be there    ......tonight we chatted and laughed like we hadn't in a looong time     we talked about her 'boyfriend' soon to be thrown to the curb    i tild her it sounded like she was in a boring relationship    it wouldn't be enough for me    she said she's just going to let it fade    so we'll see what happens     we both keep meeting the wrong men,  lol     o well, we know all in due time, mr right will come our way     she has her own sense of humor about things   opposite of the dramatic    just plain down to earth that this is the way it is, and this is the way it is not with a cool, calm collectedness about her     just a matter of fact       she's raised her 2 sons on her own , they leaving the nest this last year    they were like my own kids being around her    i didn't ever have kids of my own by choice   she's done a pretty good job    .....anyways, it was great to laugh like that again    it's been awhile    we talked about our pets we've had in our times and what they do     like i got my valentine kisses this morn from 3 of my dogs     it was my morning wake up call    she told me about a cat she once had that would suck on her ear while she slept     i cracked up because i used to have a cat that sucked on my neck   Tjnya is not as 'close' to her pets as i am with mine    i allow mine to do just about anything to me, but not Tjnya   but alot of people don't allow pets to do everything with them    pets are just being themselves, it's how we respond to them that makes a difference    so i get the biggest laugh when i here people describe their discomfort when a pet does something    i just find the human reaction hilarious    my pets are my kids and i treat them as such     they still write pages and chapters in that book 'murder she wrote', but not as much as they have in the past     i talk to them, but you know they don't listen    they do whatever they're going to do anyways and wear that big smile anyways     they're good dogs, frustration is only a natural part of living with them     i love them dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything or anyone     they make me laugh with their play and dumb things they do     and the best part, they love me no matter what     now if i could only find a man that could do the same thing,  LOL   .......anyways,   having friends like Tjnya and my kids (dogs) makes my life worthwhile   Gina and Stephanie are great friends too!       what a great way to spend Valentine's Day when you don't have a date, but a date with a friend!    

Thursday, February 10, 2005

good days at last

thursday morn before work and i have a few moments   the last couple days have been great for the most part   a tidbit blue, but happy over all   tuesday i saw my shrink and all is well as she informed me   said i'm doing very well in spite of my blues   we briefly discussed my retiring early from the p. o. agreeing that it would be better if i stuck it out til full retirement   i'd much rather do that anyways although it's tempting at times to give in to my blues  so i will forge ahead with getting to work...........yesterday, was a good day too    i decided to take the day off from work    i needed sometime to figure out how to deal with my current boss, and at last i remembered a forgiving thought i can use to assist me in dealing with her    she doesn't know what she's doing really, taking her stress out onto everyone else     so i'm just going to forgive her for not knowing who she is     many of us don't realize what were doing at times or who we are in the sense of how we affect other people's lives   i know i didn't take a look at myself until my early 30s    i know longer wanted to be critical of others, or myself, and began making a conscious effort in not doing so   it takes time to change, but with true intent and effort , one can change from within    most of us are creatures of habit and learned behavior unaware of how it all started and not knowing what, when, or where to end it     it's been work to change, but it's been worth my efforts   i still must work at it from time to time    i'm only human just like the rest of us...............but the highlight of my day yesterday was meeting with Rev. Jennie     she's our assistant minister and a practioner     a practioner is one you can meet with for prayer or what we call spiritual mind treatment-which is prayer    so i went to her to help formulate a prayer/treatment for my blues     we had a very good session and prayer     she's wonderful     at the end of the session, i asked her to be my mentor     i've been wanting to do so for awhile and finally the right time arrived at my door step to request it     she accepted to my delight   neither of us really knows what that looks like except thru other's point of view , but i told her whatever i could learn from her would be great    that's all i had in mind     i also know i can ask her anything  which is awesome for me    i'm just re-beginning my spiritual journey and have tons to learn and relearn  (my illness zapped me of all but a 'little' memory about spirituality and God)    with her experience and guidance, i know my spiritual journey will be much more rewarding    i haven't told anyone, but i desire to become a practioner at least myself  yet also i'm even thinking of the ministry as well     that's a few years down the road and i will get there when it's meant to be      in the meantime, i'm elated     thank you God for Rev Jennie     i realized a few weeks ago, she's my hero     her presence, her living her life with her beliefs and convictions regarding God is an inspiration to me    this is who i desire to be from within me      Rev Jennie is my second hero in life, the other is Girlfriend, a co-worker who served in Iraq this last year.     i've come a long way in my life, and these are new beginnings for me     i'm Excited!...............God Bless You All!

Wednesday, February 9, 2005

beautiful morn

it's a beautiful morn today   i'm sitting reading my book by Marianne Williamson, "A Return to Love"   momentarily my dogs start playing and i sit and watch the wonder of their play   their simplicity in life always moves me and reminds me to do the same they've been playing with a sock of mine that i received for Christmas   i didn't even get to wear it   it's texture is 'fluffy' like that of a stuffed animal, therefore they deemed it as such   it was given to me by a friend who is also a dog lover and works for an animal rescue place    i'll need to tell her that my kids have enjoyed my christmas present, i chose a nurturing day, in lieu of being grumpy all day at work     i'm on edge a bit and just the thought of work created more grumpiness     it isn't really so much work as it is my current supervisor     i don't like when she runs the floor, but then again not many of my co-workers do     she's all S-T-R-E-S-S and attacks us with it      she has her good days, but the stress days seem to out weigh the good      she just started running the floor again this week    our true supervisor was moved out on a detail again    God i wish they would leave her with us forever...............well since sunday, i've been in a spiritual mode     reading Dr. King's autobio, this book and attending my foundations class at church last night,  all i can think about right now is God and my spiritual journey      i recognized again last night that my psychotic adventure stripped me of just about everything about God and my spiritual journey    i could not remember a damn thing for awhile about  God and what that was all about     slowly, thoughts would return to me    not alot of them but enough for me to remember the importance of my spiritual journey     so it's like learning about God all over again     it's been very frustrating    for the past 2yrs, i've really been working out my fears regarding my spiritual journey     it had to do more with my psychotic memories and FEAR than anything else     ya see, i was on my own spiritual journey before my illness took over     all the material i was reading or read before then got mixed in with my psychosis      it created truly irrational thoughts, extremely crazy thoughts, that were untrue and created alot of confusion for me   it created a total disbelief as well regarding spirituality and God    i thought it all was an illusion    Fortunately,  my soul remembered otherwise     i started craving spiritual growth again and therefore i began the steps back to my journey     having a mixed baggage of traditional God feelings and metaphysical perceptions, i first went to a traditional church even though i didn't think it would work for me     i kept an open mind, but the 4th service i attended i realized it would not work for me    their judgment was on people who fornicate and homosexuals    these people are children of God just as the rest of us     anyways, i left there knowing i needed to find somewhere else     a friend suggested 2 other churches and i researched them on the internet     hence, i found the First Church of Religious Science  (no were NOT scientology)     i attended a couple services, but knew on the first visit this was the church for me     however, i didn't continue attending    sooooooooo much FEAR ran through me that i needed a break already     overtime i returned, attending intermittently so i could my fear a break     each break as i returned there was less and less fear      now, last month, almost 2yrs from the initial visit, the fear is all gone    it's taken me THAT long    it's been a loooooooong journey and i'm now 'getting' God again   now i'm ready to forge ahead with this spiritual journey of mine    Thank i will continue this book    i interrupted my reading of Dr. King's bio because i couldn't read it while i was depressed on monday (btw   it was only the 24hr case of the blues which happens once every 4-6weeks and then it's gone)    so this book is smaller and will complete it within a couple days    Life is grand!    Life is so precious!   take time to feel the warmth of the sun, the gentleness of the wind, the song of the bird and know this is God's Loving Presence that surrounds you.....Bless you all!


Monday, February 7, 2005

moday blues

just need to chat for a bit tonight  get some frustration off my chest i hope  got the blues again today  almost didn't make it to work, but did  it was a struggling day  i finished my route knowing i had an hour relay on another route to deliver when i got back to the office, it was a different route than i had been informed  o god part 13  the supervisor who is running the floor now i get so easily upset with her  it's comforting knowing i'm not the only carrier to do so  she gets under everyone's skin     her stress spreads to everyone else because she takes it out on us-ugh!     anyways, i was perturbed to say the least about a different relay    it meant i would be out with my flashlight delivering the mail     when this supervisor manages, i'm ready to retire medically in a heart beat    when our other supervisor is around, i feel i can finish til regular retirement     it's like night and day there     they just keep moving the good supervisor elsewhere on detail    wish we had a say in it, but we don't     we're just craft employees    no authority and only a voice thru our union     ......anyways,   getting perturbed today triggered some very old anger from my psychotic days     i'm puzzled as to why it is surfacing right now    i noticed it coming up a little bit last month, but today i exploded     why can't anger swept under a rug, stay there?    not that i intentionally did that, but this is History and i don't think it has anything to do with the moment of now    unless it's related to my frustration with having my blues so damn much      i finally decided this weekend to get to the women's clinic for menopausal assistance    i sure hope hrt helps     i'm sooooooooo tired of the blues      i have an appointment this coming monday    i can't wait      i've waited too long to do this, but i had my reservations about estroven    well now i'm ready to take the risk and do it     as long it helps minimize my depression caused from menopause, then i'll continue     if there's no change, then i'll come off of it and know it's just my chemical imbalance in my brain and live with it     in the meantime, i'm saying a prayer to help my blues go away        Life goes on.......i have things to do, people to see, and places to go         take a hike blues!

Friday, February 4, 2005


well it's friday evening just past 9  all is quiet in the house  i had the tv on for a little while but curled up to my book on dr. king  i only read for about an hour  his book moves me and really makes me think at times  tonight is one of those moments i find i can only read a little bit of his book at a time  i love the book! between last night 's events and reading his book, i sometimes wonder if i'm not caught up a bit still in the 'races' of the world  i've done my best not to do so yet the race card always haunts me    i was only 10yrs old when dr. king was killed -if i got my dates correct     i lived in a small white town in indiana just outside of the big city of indianapolis     it was all white-actually we were out in the countryside when dr. king died....anyways,  i primarily lived in this small all white town    i really didn't know much about the civil rights movement, but i would soon learn about my father's racial hatred towards blacks    my mother wasn't prejudicial, thank god!    but i was told we could not watch black people on tv while dad was home    a year or two later when desegration of schools was ongoing,  it came out that blacks were thinking of moving to our town   boy did all hell break loose regarding that     dad was not a happy man regarding the situation along with most people in the town as i gathered    fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your perspective, no blacks moved to our town    ( i don't know to this day, if any other 'color' of people have moved into that town)    anyways, i got a small taste of the racial issues from my father and the little bit of news i was allowed to watch, which wasn't much    in my young youth,   i wanted to know what was so 'wrong' with them     well consciously or unconsciously, i made a point to find out     my parents divorced and my mother moved us to the big city of indianapolis and i had my first exposure to 'black' people     well since then and all my travels throughout the states, along with having lovers of different colors (black, hispanic, white, and japanese), i've learned the wonderful colors of all people       each color has their history and rightly so    i do my best to live dr. king's dream    i'm learning he is far more than i could have ever imagined as a person     yet after last night, meeting a guy of another color, i still have more to learn about a different culture-hispanic    i've lived in new mexico for about 17yrs now and i have much more to learn from them    i've been out of touch with life for about a decade or so due to my health problem    for the past couple years i'm getting back into life     i have soooo much more to learn and even within the past 7weeks i'm already changing from within      tonight i was thinking, there is soooo much going on in the world nowadays, or it's really more complex now that i'm an adult    the issues when i was younger seemed to be not as many     now there seems to be toooo many      i'm back in church now, and with my readings with dr. king, i'm moving in a new direction.........within and outside of me