Friday, September 30, 2005

another 12hr day, plus sum

o dear,   what happened to my 10hr days?   another day of taxi driving and working 9hrs today for me    thankfully Tjnya thinks she'll get her car this next coming wednesday   she didn't finish work til 8:30pm and we had to drop mail off downtown in addition to that    in the meantime, i went and picked up my son and brought him home    Tjnya needed her cigarettes tonight so after that i told her to drop me off at home and take my car home   we were right next to my house getting her cigs    she can pick me up in the morn    i ain't going nowhere tonite!!! ....well, i see from a recent comment in my journal that i really opened myself to the world with my entry on my sexuality    what brought to my mind was an old flame's 'tude about it all = it's all about sex   NOT IN MY BOOK!!!!   well this was just one of the tude's i've never cared about in any sexuality    o well life goes on....right now my mind is on one woman nowadays and nothing may come of it, which is ok by me....i'd actually like to meet someone at church at this point in my life   whoever the one may be,  this one must have values!!!  ....anyways, next subject......

it's been a long, very long day    think i'll shower and hit the sack   maybe read a little to complete the relaxation process   .....nite all!

p.s.   i do have an appointment with a realtor in the mountains this coming wednesday morn to look at a rental up there   Tjnya will come with me, then i'll take her to work, provided she doesn't get her car    let's see what happens on wednesday   in the meantime, i'm still looking for places in town   i'll keep you posted....

Thursday, September 29, 2005

another game...another tag

ok, i've been tagged by Dona on this game   it's the latest game going around    here are the rules:

1.  go to your journal's archives    2.  find  23rd post    3.  find 5th sentence in that post    4.  post sentence with  these instructions    5.  tag 5 more people


my 23rd post was "Godmother 4 Tabou"     the 5th sentence stated  well now i am a proud Godmother to Tabou        i tag the following people  (hopefully they haven't been tagged already)

Marti, Midlife Musings

Anne, Saturday's Child

Gina, G & S's Journey

Donna, Sweeping the Cobwebs of My Mind

Kasey, Kasey's Quilt

have fun ya'll    ...i tried remembering who had been tagged and who hadn't...

Progress report...

well, another rainy day and cooler but it felt great   it did finally clear up for a little while and the sun shined    the sun coming out lifted my spirit for some reason i got a little blue for a little while    could have been my discouragement after calling numerous places for rent only to discover they want $900 per month too    not affordable to me right now   it makes me think again about staying put until i retire, get my retirement money and pay off my jeep    then i can afford that price range.......we interrupt this entry to chat with Marti, Midlife Musings   first chat we've had since Katrina hit her in Mobile, AL   it was great to hear from her    i write her stories and she's requesting another one   so i will oblige    it's crazy at her house   friend evacuated from MS during Katrina are staying with her plus she's taking care of her mother while working fulltime teaching special ed kids    she's amazing!    she's doing well in spite of the stress, actually doing better because of it    great to hear from her:-), back to my house hunting    i will perservere as well as regroup, refigure, and decide this weekend whether to continue selling the house    would do tonite but i got home late again    i was gone 12hrs today and i only worked 8 of those   the first 2hrs was dropping Tjnya off to work and going to the VA Hosp to repair my hearing aids   once completed with work, it was picking up Tjnya and Kyle, then grabbing a bite to eat on the go    i'll be up late for it'll take some time to unwind   as long as i get a good nite's sleep, i'll be ok for manana    right now i'm sitting and warming up with hot cocoa   delicious!

well the Balloon Fiesta begins this weekend, provided weather permits   with the autumn weather here it effects whether the hot air balloons can go up   i'll be taking some pics and will post them asap   ....

well for now, i'll call it a nite    sweet dreams everyone...g'nite

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

this is weather!!!

whoa   it's weather!!!   the autumn clouds rolled in over the mtns today and then we got rain:-) was a nice rain, cool but niiiiice    i didn't take my rain gear with me at work, so i got a soaking although it was just a steady downfall, not cats & dogs   it reminded me of Washington   i love it like this   cooooooool    fortunately i had a sweatshirt to put on once i finished delivering the mail

now what else happened today...i went and looked at that house i desired to rent    i was all ready to do so, but knew i needed to make sure i could afford it   well after a brief question from Tjnya, i figured out i can't afford it   dammit   well i could afford it IF i went back on the overtime list at work    but i don't want to work those kind of hours anymore   plus my health wouldn't sustain the stress from it all    after all these years and these months, i finally found a balance in my life with work, play and home    for 99% of my 20yr postal career i have always worked 50+ hrs per week   the dough was good, but i was frivolously spending it too   doesn't make cents or sense   i learned it was a cycle of it's own and only desire to be out of it   i'm just about out of that mess totally too    i've been enjoying life with my reading, church and hiking   more i play, the better i, as far as a house to rent    i will investigate possibilities near the mountain including but not limited to actually being in the mountains   i know, i keep going back and forth but i must be happy with wherever i rent    i don't desire to go cheap and end in a raunchy neighborhood   my heart desires a good, positive clean environment   i've compromised at times on that, including this place, but i no longer will    so if it means moving to the mtns again, so be it--BUT NOT WITHOUT AOL!    anyways, i'll keep everyone posted as i'm searching

right now i must go pick kyle up from work    his car's transmission went out already so he's without wheels again-ugh!   don't worry, he's giving the car back and cutting his losses   he still owed the guy a few hundred bucks and will not pay him   we're calling it even     also, kyle is looking for an apartment for himself   today he also went to his Army Guard unit and applied for a fulltime position there   he also put in a request to join his unit who are in iraq    i pray one of these things comes together for him    life is not coming together for him as he'd like    so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.....well i'm off for now....


I Am One with God     Wherever I am, even in the busy places, I am alone in my heart with God.  God is where I am, always.  I see the outer activity of life as God in action, and I accept the inner awareness of being as the never-changing presence of the Divine.  I acknowledge this truth.      and so it is

i woke this morn after only 5hrs of sleep   very unusual   i was dreaming i couldn't connect with people, but then i became aware of my Soul   contents had been emptied  i felt a deepening within me and as though it could be deepened even more   it all felt good  really good, especially after meeting with Rev Jennie yesterday    i called on her as a Practioner  ( a practioner is our church is one who assists us with our troubles and does Spritiual Mind Treatment = prayer for us)   I knew it was time to face my hurt and pain regarding my gay life   i got stuck while unfolding it and Rev Jennie definitely assisted me in getting unstuck    as she spoke, she brought up somethings about being in the diverse life that i had not contemplated in such a very, very long time    bottom line i realized, and so did Rev Jennie, was i needed to embrace my sexuality   as Rev Jennie stated, it is a tough path to live   i've known this for about 20yrs   i realized this weekend in reawakening to my sexuality that i can no longer deny my attraction to women any more than i can deny my attraction to men    this is the way i'm wired    and so it is   so now i embrace myself with Love for who i am and my own personal expression in life   it'll take time to heal some of the pain, but it is welcomed    and besides, Rev Jennie pointed out that now i have 100% possibilities for a relationship, in lieu of 50% due to one gender attraction   i laughed and embraced this with love and joy    Rev Jennie is simply awesome    she absolutely amazes me still after 2yrs of knowing her    i am blessed to have her presence in my life   she is a God send.....thank you God for Rev Jennie

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

house for sale

i talked with my realtor this morn    we figure my house will be ready to put on the market within a couple weeks   then it'll sell in about 30days or so    yesterday i found a house to rent on my postal route   it'll work til i actually buy in that area   so now it's time to juggle the finances for the move   Pat, my realtor, thinks if i'm moved out while showing the house it'll sell that much faster    we'll fix my roof leak, patch the ceiling and holes in the walls, then paint and reseal my saltillo floor   then put it on the market   there are a couple other minor details to be fixed, but it can come later before closing   i pray all this will work out and will do just that   i must have faith that all will come together    it's been a struggling year to some degree, faith almost got thrown out the window    whatever will be, will the meantime, i'll begin packing boxes    so i'll be sporadic with my journal entries i suppose    i'll keep everyone posted on my move   wish me luck...

For Promise

this prayer is for Promise of the Journal Jar who has cancer    may she be healed and well soon   God bless her....

   God is all there is  God is love, divine, health, peace and healing   Whatsoever is in God, so it is in Promise  Promise is Love, divine, peace, healthy and healing   I now know that Promise is healed, full of love, peace, joy and good health  I am forever grateful for this Truth in Promise's life.  I release this into Law   I let go and let God...and so it is

(this prayer is actually what we call Spiritual Mind Treatment which is prayer   we treat for the healing and the desire result, not the cause   the focus is on the positive result desired)

may Promise be Healed, if not cured, from her Cancer   for in everything in life, there is the journey of becoming closer to the One, God, and all life   for life is infinite and so are we    our body is our vehicle to experience life here as a human   we do not ever die, we just don a new garment when going to Heaven   we are immortal...

Monday, September 26, 2005

o it's monday   and boy was it a heavy, heavy load today   took out 20 ft of mail of which 13 ft was dps (directly processed system) = letters presorted for us by machine   normally i have 3 trays (2ft each) of dps   today it was 7 trays and a half (1ft tray)   that all takes extra time to sort and bundle while on the street creating longer time on the street delivering    it took me forever and i didn't have lunch   and this is only the beginning of increased volume   our volume will double again next month and again the closer we get to Christmas   this is typical for this time of the year and i always begin dreading it    it's best i don't think about it and just bust my butt as usual extra hard during this time   we all do    and with the added route adjustments, it's going to be a looong fall & winter  hopefully i'll be able to retire in the middle of all this   we'll see   all in good time

in the meantime, it's monday nite football   i didn't go to the forementioned meeting  i got off work later than expected and i was too funky to go in my uniform, which i really didn't desire to do anyways   there will be more meetings and plenty opportunity to go   my understanding they meet once a week plus they have a special get together coming up after church services one day     there's no hurry and i need some time to get out of some my 'tudes so that i have an open mind   there are some things i need to accept and not judge the diverse community   damn, i don't like when i'm judgmental    i know i'm only human, but i'm tough on myself when i judge people   i know all diverse people are not the same but i'm also aware, very aware, of some attitudes that are pervasive with the gay community   i will find a way to face, embrace, and erase my judgment   the Serenity Prayer will definitely come in handy for this   God grant me...

ok   enough seriousness   i did get some great laughs while out with Cindy at Starbucks the other nite   we'll have to do it again soon   i've been under some strain lately and i know what will fix it   all in time, the strain will be gone   it's just not soon enough right now....well for now, i'm off manana   have a couple errands to do and then maybe i'll get in a hike before class tomorrow evening   i hope to take Tabou also  ever since i took Tabou with me on a hike,  when i visit her and Tjnya, Tabou is darting out the door to join me   she's such a sweetie   so i will get her out soon, very soon...

hmmm, i just remembered   i have a shot of jim bean   i may drink it just so i can relax   i'd love to curl up with Potter right now, but i have homework to finish reading for class tomorrow nite   so i'll finish it, then maybe Potter.....and one more important note:   it's been 2 months at least since i've had a cigarrette -Yeah!   i think i finally found a way to quit my 1-2 cigs that i'd have every month   i'm sooo happy about that   i'll keep counting down the days  

well until another day

Gratitude     today my heart is filled with gratitude and unconditional love for the immeasurable vastness of Life, and the awareness of my cosmic connection to all creation.  I stand in awe of the unfolding pattern of perfection in my life.  Joy overflows in my being as I contemplate the mystery of Oneness that reveals itself through me.  Life is good.      

                                                                                                and so it is

Spiritual Law Flows as My Life

"Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into you as life; place yourself in the full centre of that flood, then you are without effort impelled to truth, to right, and a perfect contentment."  -Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"

I went to Service in the Park yesterday   our church holds an annual service in the park and yesterday was my first    it was wonderful!   the service really consisted of our usual songs, but also of Rev Patrick answering questions asked by the congregation   we had a piece of paper to write our question and then he answered as many as possible in the alloted time   he said a couple things which i needed to hear   one at the moment i can't remember but hope it returns to me   the other i knew, but needed to hear again:  work is a part of your spiritual journey    ever so true and me not being very happy with where i am, i hope to take this wisdom and perceive my workplace differently while there   in time, i'll have mastered that   Spirit (God) always knows what is right for you, or me, always the right path   Spirit even spoke to me all last week and finally with a final clarity on Saturday    for awhile, about 3yrs actually, i have left my sexual 'identity' alone   figuring i was bisexual but not wanting to date any women for now if ever again  (painful memories)   well this last week i found myself thinking a lot about a particular friend from church unknown to me as why she kept popping up my head   it finally came to me that if i met a woman such as she in intellect, wisdom, insight, warmth, beauty inside & out i wouldn't be able to pass her up  ( i was also reminded too of my attraction to another woman, well known star)   so anyways, to make a long story short, i now know my true sexuality and am at peace finally    i've always been attracted to the Person, not the body one wears in this lifetime and there i still remain true to form....and Spirit working again, i sat with another friend at church yesterday, during our picinic, and we talked about sexuality due to her initiating of the topic   she told me about a group that meets on Monday evenings' for diversity (meaning gays, bisexuals, transgenders, queers and confused as well as friends and family)    so i'm going to check it out tonight to see what it's about and really to meet new people   i told June, my friend, i expect to see her there too    anyways, Life continues   Life is Good...

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Blue Moon

last nite was a Blue Moon   so Cindy asks what's a blue moon   that one rare, rare, rare moment i decided to go out on a friday nite   i just don't do it    so i met Cindy at Starbucks up on montgomery blvd   Oi!    just getting on the road i was reminded immediately of why i don't go out on friday nites-People-idiots!    well i was on the road and so i continued to meet Cindy   once at Starbucks we got to watch the teenagers literally racing down the streets   it was scarey to say the least   but sitting with coffee and chatting on a nice cool evening was well welcomed   i knew i needed to get out of the house and it worked   we talked about washington (state) and maybe moving there   i just need to be concerned about too many cloudy days in Seattle   if i were to move back to washington, i'm sure i'd move back to Spokane   dealing with the blues enough, a lot of cloudy days were make me bluer   no thank you   i'd rather stay in the sunshine state here and it is sunny practically year round, even in winter   cloudy days don't happen often here in the Land of Enchantment    if i were to move back to the northwest, it'll be sometime before i do.....

now today, i woke with the blues badly    i've slept a lot today 2hrs of which was at the park near the mountains   if i didn't need to meet Cindy at American Woman (tattoo parlor) i would have stayed longer   it was so nice and serene there today   best medicine for my blues today by large   tomorrow i go back for our annual church service in the park   i look forward to it at the tattoo parlor   Cindy's 'friend' works there and we worked up my next tattoo   it'll be a wrist bracelet with 'Faith' surrounded by barb wire   it's going to cost a little more than i had hoped for, but i'm looking forward to it    i wanted 'Faith' somewhere to remind me to keep cultivating my faith   Faith = knowing something will always be and that something will come to be   spiritual but not dogmatic   to have Faith Life will always be....the sun will rise, the moon will shine  birds will sing and the wind will blow as well as knowing prayers will be i'm happy i spent the day in the park for the owner's of kyle's car came a knocking   not that it was all bad news, but i'm a bit disappointed in my son   well he will get this sale finished this next week and we will get the papers we need signed   then he can register it    i've learned this week i need to stay on top of kyle at times, something i really didn't want to be doing   but parenthood should be short lived once he moves down with Nicole  he'll be on his own and he'll have to learn his lessons the hard way   i stilll love him dearly   there are some things i won't ever understand completely   Life goes can only get better for me at this point    hurry up house and sell.....

now, in the meantime, i've started Potter #5...the Order of the Phoenix   i've only read a few chapters thus far and am enjoying it   i like the way she started this book ...and hopefully this week i'll be ordering my Potter T-shirt, "I swear that i'm up to no good", my new motto in life!   well until another day, another adventure...have a good one!


a short note

when it rains, it pours   but then again maybe it wasn't raining to begin with    anyhow, Nicole lost the second baby   now i'm having doubts as to whether she was pregnant or not    my friends have been questioning that since the first pregnancy     i haven't had a chance to talk with kyle about it, but something doesn't add up to me at this point  why does she keep losing the baby?  or is there something else going on with her body???  so as soon as monday arrives i'll talk with kyle   these past few nites, plus tonite, he's been working the nite shift   on sunday he works all day and evening too   i just don't want any girl taking advantage of him and i'm already hipped on one notion of Nicole's regarding finances   so i'm going to inquire some more and let him know some things to think about if need be    i'll keep you posted    (i also advised them to wait before getting pregnant again if i have to buy the condoms    they can't keep putting themselves through all this)...

Friday, September 23, 2005

Scalzi's assignment #78

Weekend Assignment #78: Things to Take Picture from Hometown

      Rita is plodding implacably toward Texas, and folks there in its path are doing what they can to get out of its way. The evacuation is massive -- more than a million people -- and the logistics of such an undertaking help provide us this week's Weekend Assignment:

     Weekend Assignment #78: You are preparing to evacuate your house due to an upcoming threat. You have already packed up all your essential items, people and pets. You have room for three non-essential items. What are they?

     Remember, you already have your essentials: food, medicines, water, clothes, and all the people (including the furry ones) who live with you. "Non-essentials" are things you don't need but would like to have, and can include momentos, books, jewelry, objects of sentimental value, and so on and so forth.

     My dogs will be with me, but i consider them for the non-essentials first i'd have to take my camera   it's like an attachment to my body   second, i would take my music and books   some particular books i would not ever desire to part with not the 100+ books i have (but then again), third  i'd take some of my prints and hangings on the wall   each gives me inspiration in some way whether it's simply the eagle flying, or a woman mountain climbing with Courage under it    and last but not least, the american flag

have i ever been evacuated?    Yes    when i was 5yrs old, our town was flooded or at least part of it which i lived in   they had to haul us out by boat    in comparison to Katrina, it looked like a creek...

Thursday, September 22, 2005


w.e.l.l.   today my hopes for retirement got deflated a bit    i was in a good mood today, so i didn't get irate when i found out where my package was in the process-nowhere-ugh!    although i knew my boss had written his statement, the woman in personnel told me that they had not received it yet    this means the package has been sitting for 2 months doing nothing   and why didn't personnel call my boss for the statement-aaargh!   well i'm not going to think about this disappointment right now   will focus on selling my house and moving to the eastside of town   this will help me be excited about something in my life:-)......

Now,   Jude you're right about the movies on Potter   i forgot, thanks for reminding me   after reading the 3rd book i watched the movie again   i was really disappointed    so yes i'm movin' on to book no. 5 this weekend   not only because of Jude's reminder, but after reading the remainder of book 4, the suspense is killing me    what a climax it had   now i can't wait to find out what happens in book 5   J.K.Rowling has done awesome job of writing these books   she definitely deserves her well earned money   i may start reading The Order of the Phoenix tonite    got home late, so may not do a couple chores  before bedtime    just chillin right now having pizza and coke   the past few days i've been taking Tjnya to and from work   her work place is enroute to my job   she got the devastating news regarding her car the other day   $7000 worth   her son blew a head gasket and she has to buy a new engine-UGH!   she's still making payments on her car so she really has no choice or be upside down in another vehicle    i'm sure she's written her own Murder She Wrote with this incident   i have been using this phrase with my dogs for a few years now when they do something that totally pisses me off and i'm ready to choke the living stuffins out of them, or at least that's how i feel    sometimes they come close to solving the murder and the final chapter   although my kids have mellowed out quite a bit since aging, Charlie still reminds me of his book when he jumps my 6' fence    i love them all dearly and wouldn't hurt them at all, but boy do they test me at times, especially Charlie Brown....little munchkin!

well i'm going to finish my pizza and read my email, some of it anyways   most of it is junk    everyone have a good weekend that's soon approaching and hopefully the gas prices won't skyrocket again as i heard rumor today (due to the incoming hurricane)

p.s.   kyle bought him a game cube   it beats tv channel surfin, but this is all he does now    can't get him to lift a finger around the house   must get my boots out and give him a swift kick....i'm still not accustomed to having a kid around the house, two-legged kid that is...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

local cable

hi everyone    hope all is well with you   the local cable here has been off again   hopefully it's fixed for good this time    but there hasn't been a lot to chat about while gone either   i heard from Marti, Midlife Musings   she's doing well  i'ts always been nice to hear from her but especially since Katrina.....last nite i made it to another Bible Wisdom class   not sure what to expect and it went better than i had thought   i discovered i was on the right track with my readings, the first was the David and Goliath story    it's been since i was a kid since reading any of the bible or remembering any of the stories   so i just read the story simply and then we learned the lessons in class   simplier than i thought   simplier than what my father shared with me (he became a preacher about 10yrs ago)    anyways, this morn i woke a bit confused but that is precisely what my spiritual journey does to me   it is less now than a couple years ago, but this is par for the course   it's frustrating, but that's what my illness created   slowly but surely i won't be confused ever again    in the midst of the confusion i feel this little church girl show up   the little girl i was in my youth attending church    well i'm not all that comfortable with that   i'm no longer her    so i'll be keeping my eye on myself so as not to bring that kid in   Spirituality and church have different representation to me now    i desire to grow with it, yet i must also set my own pace   and i'm learning with this class it doesn't have to be heavy   i'm very happy about this for i believe "everything is achieved in a light heart"    i learn much better with less seriousness in life   i was telling Cindy today that i need some laughs right now   the only laughs i'm getting at the moment are from Harry Potter   so Cindi and i will head to a movie this friday and have some laughs    i look forward to it very much, speaking of Potter   i'll be finishing the 4th book tonite finally    think i'll wait until its movie comes out, watch it, then proceed to book 5    in the meantime, i'll be finding something else to make me laugh besides my doggies and little ms jasmine    i also will get some quiet time in the evening for kyle will be working the security nite shift at the mall    i'm still not totally adjusted to having a son around regardless how much fun he can be....

o one more thing,  i found a house for sale over on my route that i may be able to afford provided it's still available once i sell this one  ( i deliver mail by the mtns)  it gave me a light of hope and assurance that moving over there will be worth the extra $300 or so a month on mortgage   Serenity and sense are more important to me than cents    so patiently i wait for that move

now time to finish dinner and Potter!

Monday, September 19, 2005

monday monday

well   it hasn't been a totally bad monday, but it hasn't been all great either   the bad news we ran into another snag in getting kyle's car registered-ugh!   he got the car fixed   it passed emissions  then we went with all the paperwork to MVD   well apparently we need another signature on the title for there were 2 owners and something petty! because i wrote over the number 5 on the year it was sold, mvd wants an affidavit for that   what bull!   kyle finally got the seller's voice mail but they're out of town   well...i've got something up my sleeve   callin in a favor from a friend   i'll keep you posted   this has been very frustrating, but at least he can drive the vehicle til 30sep when the temp tags expire   we'll have it done before then though  ....O, did i tell you Kyle will either go active duty or go to school is what he's decided for himself    i'm happy to hear it   means he's in the right direction he needs to take for himself:-)   i'm proud of him....

now for me today,  i talked with Pat my realtor   she came by, i showed her the repairs needed (plus she brought her niece who will paint the interior for me), then we talked on what the next step and what kind of profit i'd be making   i won't make as much as i thought, but that's ok    it'll be enough to clean up my bills, take a little vacation, fix my teeth and fix up my car a little    then i can wait patiently to search for a place to buy over near the mountains   it's going to be more expensive for me to live over there, but it'll be worth it in the long run   life is slowly coming together as i'd like, a first in a very long time and since my illness   i'm really happy!   i'm blessed   Life is Good...

Sunday, September 18, 2005

short note

this evening i talked with Sam, my ex-husband    we were married way back when   it was purely a marriage of convenience while we both were in the young and in the military   no consumation of the marriage  just friends   actually he's gay and has been with Chuck for 25yrs now   Happy Anniversary guys!   anyways, Sam i stayed married for about 10yrs to the day   we married on Halloween since it wasn't a real marriage only beknownst to us and a few friends    i hadn't talked to him since over a dozen years ago, before my illness hit    he lives in Seattle and i called again tonite   i had called a few months ago when i also got in touch with Val   just no answer and i didn't leave a message not knowing if it was still his number   anyways, it was great to talk a few moments with him    when i visit Washington state again, i surely will stop by and see the two of them    i was watching the Seattle Seahawks football game when i thought of him   the game was in Seattle and i always think of my family of friends up there anytime i see Seattle on the tv    all goes well with my retirement, i'll be headed back to Washington next year sometime for a 2week vacation    i still get homesick for that place and people after being gone for over 20yrs now   my first place i was truly happy!   anyways, it'll be great to see Sam and visit awhile.....

in the meantime, back home on the ranch.....Kyle called a few moments ago   he's on his way home from El Paso from visiting Nicole   they are ok for now but he definitely has grown from this weekend   for the past month, i've been plugging Kyle's ears with words to take care of himself no matter what the relationship with NIcole   to do what he wants for a career    he finally realize he needs to do just that for him and his child on the way    i'm so proud of him   means he's been listening and thinking about what i said    he also stood up to Nicole regarding Jasmine   Jasmine is really his dog   she's sooo bonded to him   so i told him he should put his name on her registration papers especially since he's taking care of that, all her shots and food   She's his dog!    he told Nicole he was going to do just that   she wasn't too happy about that, but she eventually chilled out on the matter   he even offered to repay her the $250 to her which she paid for Jasmine  ...anyways,   Kyle has grown some and i realized he has taken in some of the things i've commented on    i just articulate my thoughts, but leave it totally up to him what he does with the information, if he does anything with it    that's all i can do and really don't desire to do anything else   just be here for guidance, wisdom , support and love for him    he can learn and decide his own choices   i wouldn't have it any other way....anyways, he's on his way home then we'll grab a bite to eat   i really didn't know i'd be having such a relationship with my nephew when he showed up   it is good   i'm happy i'm making a positive influence on him   he's a sweet guy...

GOOD Mornin all

hello everyone    this is the first in days since being able to get online   my cable modem hasn't been working since the last entry    and to my surprise i found it in working order as i woke this morn   must have been something local going on   otherwise it would have been until this coming wednesday before being online   i scheduled an appointment with comcast for then......anyways,  it's great to be back online   i miss being in touch with all my friends in for the latest:   well kyle finally found a car he bought   last week was very stressful, mostly because kyle has been soooo stressed about it   well we got the car wed or thurs   fri we went to register it and got an emissions test   it failed the emissions test, so he has an appointment tomorrow mornin for it to be fixed   the car has minor repairs but it's sufficient to get him back and forth to work and any running around in town   not good for long distance trips, but hey we now have 2 cars at this household   no more juggling our schedules to get everyone to work   plus i don't have to foot the gas bill either   i now know when i fill up how long my tank will last me:-)   so we'll both be very happy once the car has passed the emissions test and registered.........friday, kyle went to see his girl   it hasn't been a good trip for him thus far    unless they kissed & made up last nite, he'll be home early today    i feel for him   he's soooo crazy about nicole, but i'm beginning to get the impression it is not the same for her     i'll support him in whatever decision he makes regarding them   that's all i can do really    the signs are on the wall that this relationship isn't going to work out, but who knows maybe they can mature and grow and still stick it out   we'll see    he & i will be having a talk once he gets home     and i will keep plugging the thought of going active duty to him    this is something he's talked about since he arrived 2 months ago   but whatever his decision, i'll support the meantime,  this was the first weekend kyle's been away from jasmine  so she slept with me the past 2 nites   the first nite she slept on the floor, but last nite she insisted being on the bed, so i pulled her up  (all my other dogs sleep with me too, so what's one more)   she whined a little last nite so i held her & petted her for a little bed then she fell off to sleep    she misses her dad    she's be so very happy to see him once he gets home   she's such a little sweetheart and i'm trying to teach her to respond to 'Girlfriend' as a second name   it's working a little, maybe in time    but for now she's jasmine and kyle's girl    IF he were to go active duty military, i'll keep her for him    although nicole purchased her, she really isn't her dog   plus i don't know that nicole has the interest anymore   we'll see   i'll do what's best for jasmine   i don't think nicole could keep her anyways unless she moved off base which won't be happening anytime soon

well tomorrow Pat arrives   she's my realtor to sell the house and maybe purchase another on the eastside of town   i'm not sure i'll be able to afford a house over there, but who knows maybe i can find something in my price range   i just have to wait and see how money comes together once i retire    all in all though i'm really lookin forward to being next to the for why i definitely decided against moving into the mountains, has to do with isolation    if i had a mate, i wouldn't hesitate moving out there again; however, being alone it would be isolating, which it is regardless   i'm afraid also that i'd experience PTSD from my illness   i don't want any memories triggered from my psychosis   occasionally i get triggered as it is and that's enough   i hate it when it happens-YUK  YUK  YUK!!!    so i feel it best to stay in town and one day return to the mountains with a mate   in the meantime, i can hitch a hiking trail only a few minutes away once on the eastside while daily reaping the cool air that flows around the mountains bringing the scent of trees everywhere.....

well, now i'm off to get ready for church    i desire to check out a spiritual growth group this morn which begins at 9:15am   another step on my journey.....take care   God Bless...

p.s.   jasmine has found the toilet paper...there's no more toilet paper

Thursday, September 15, 2005

the rose

after last nite's journal entry my nephew went for an errand    when he returned he said i had to close my eyes, so i did    once he allowed me to open them, there it was  a single rose in his hand   Happy Birthday Mom (what he calls me nowadays)    how sweet   i was touched by his thoughtfulness    happy birthday son   i love you...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

my birthday

Well let's birthday started out really well   my mom, dad and youngest sister called to wish me a happy birthday very bright and early this a.m.  my sister did wait til 8am thank goodness    then i got onto the computer and Dona (blues skies...gentle breezes...and storms)  sent me a instant message wishing me a happy birthday which was a delight....then i headed to work, unfortunately   usually i take the day off but since i had to take yesterday off, i chose to work today   i figured it wouldn't be such a bad day   well it wasn't, but i realized i must start eating lunch again   the cool autumn wind is here again and i need more energy to get thru the day   during the summer, i just keep filling up on liquids and lose a few pounds   while at work, Kyle kept calling me all day   he does that sometimes, but today especially   he was still out shopping for a car   i called for insurance quotes for him and then when he picked me up from work things seemed to get hectic   or it was the hectic energy kyle was giving off   it was the stress of buying a car   we were headed to look at a truck again only for him to get a phone call from a previous seller   then there were 2 other options for him to decide   O God   choices, choices, choices   so he decides on a car then we head to the bank and meet the guy   by the time we got home it was almost 8pm and i hadn't had dinner yet   boy am i wiped out    we were headed out to dinner, only for Nicole to call him saying she's headed to the hospital   so we decided on left overs, or i did which meant i could eat right away and chill   so now i'm chillin ...i took a shower and grab a glass of milk  finally relaxing    i'll eat a little bit more, then i'm curling up to Harry Potter again   it's been a few days since reading Potter    church class started last nite    i'm very happy i've signed up for this class   i know i'm in the right place   but for now i need a couple days of doing other things before studying for that class   must and will keep some play going for myself even if it's just reading Potter as much as possible....o yeah,  i talked to Rev Jennie today for a few minutes to get some clarifications and it did me a lot of Good   it's always great to chat with her  (my psychosis created a hell of lot of confusion with regards to spirituality   i'm better, but still confused at times)  ....i also just decided NOT to move to the mtns   i won't go into details at the moment, but my gut tells me not to do so, However, I WILL be moving to the eastside of town close to the mountain base i can get and afford   this will give me easier access to hiking trails along this side of the mtns   i will also be next door so to speak to Cindy who i spend more time with than my other friends   this way  i can just pop in on her, sorta, not without a phone call first of course....i also got in touch with my realtor today   we'll be meeting monday and going over my house   it needs a few repairs and a paint job   she has a handy man that may be able to assist me   God knows i can't get mine to show up here...aside from the hectic part of the day with kyle, it was a good day    i really enjoyed delivering the mail today in this especially nice weather   a taste of autumn is in the air   a grand breeze coming thru despite 80degree weather.....o yes, one more thing    i heard from Marti, Midlife Musings, today also   she lives in Mobile, AL and has survived Katrina   she is doing well and is back in school teaching again   it was great to hear from her!

until another day....may the wind kiss your cheek, the sun warm your Soul and may you be blessed with everything you heart desires in life...take care....

I've been tagged!

Lori has tagged me are my answers.......the questions are........7 Things I plan to do before I die

1)  backpack the Grand Canyon  2)  finish at least one bachelor's degree  3)  become a great photographer  4)  go to Alaska  5)  travel ALL national parks in the USA  6)maybe become a minister  7)  find me one terrific guy to share my life with    8)  see Bruce Springsteen in concert

7things I can do

1) photography  2)  give unconditional love  3)  stay fit  4)  read tons of books 5)  am a excellent mail carrier  6)  good parent  7)  cook a little

7 things I can`t do

1)  ice skate  2)  mechanics  3) plumbing  4)  electrical work  5)  computer stuff beyond simple basics  6)  tolerate ignorance and hatred and stupidity 7)  give a damn about petty stuff

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex.

1) physique  2)  smile  3)  his character  4)  gentleness  5)  tender heart   6)  intelligence  7)  sense of humor

7 things I often say

1)  No   2)  Girlfriend!  3) Damn or dammit  4)  Thank you  5)  if you want to talk   6)  Murder She Wrote  7)  and most recently, son

 7 celebrity crushes

1)  Keanu Reeves  2)  Michael Jackson  3) Tim McGraw  4)Kenny Chesney  5)  Robert Redford  6)  can't think of anyone else off hand    don't  have a lot of crushes 

hmmm   if you haven't been tagged , i may be coming your way soon:-)    this was a lot of fun    Thanks Lori! of Purple Snapdragons!


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Happy Birthday!!!

ok,  Kyle and my birthday isn't til tomorrow, but he received great news today which is good news for me too    he finally received his bonus money from the Army , soooo, he can now buy a car   that will be a relief for both of us and he can now also visit his fiance more often    he also got hired today as a Security Officer at the mall    things are finally coming together for him   he has struggled, but the wait has all been worth it   I'm sooo HAPPY for him!    so we'll celebrate our birthday a day early since i took the day off due to an a doctor's appointment this morn and class this evening   we'll go car shopping and he officially gets signed onto the army guard unit here in NM  today    things can only get better.....Life is Good!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

jasmine & charlie

                      this first pic is my Charlie Brown, my pitt bull, with his permanent smile on his face    with that smile ever prevalant i can only be angry with him for literally a minute......the second pic is kyle and jasmine   i didn't think when taking photos of jasmine in the shadows how dark it would be   she's basically black with brown markings    i'll be taking some more photos in the sun later today   as soon as my Bears beat the Redskins ....well on second thought, my Bears just fumbled the ball....


it's been soooo long since adding pics that i almost forgot how......anyways, this is my son (nephew) Kyle   he's the spitting image of my sister   just add long hair and makeup and there she is......

easy like sunday mornin

well i finally can sit and relax a bit before church    sippin my brew and reading something    the woman who was to arrive about buying my house called and canceled   apparently she spoke with her investors and they don't desire to invest in a townhome which is what my house is considered    ok smidgens disappointed, but not really   i'll contact the realtor who sold me this place manana hopefully    i always like to return the same opportunity to the same realtor who got me into my house now i sit trying to decide whether to do some cleaning before church   i probably won't   don't desire to wear cleaning materials as my perfume for church   think i'll head across the street to my neighbors   it appears they're having a yard sale and i can't pass that up, but then again maybe i'll just sit here and read Potter   sounds more enjoyable ...the air is cool   scent of autumn is here refreshing my soul to a new season and change....

Saturday, September 10, 2005

my dad....

is in Biloxi, MS    i just received a phone call from him    he and my stepmother are there now   not sure how long they've been there helping out, but they'll be there for another 2 weeks at least     he said they unloaded 2 trailers of donations today and turned around and gave it all away too ....i  military trained there  in Biloxi  when i was young.....anyways, dad was telling me there's no beach there anymore   no 4way highway lane either  all the shops on the front are gone   a 25ft boat was found in the Walmarts parking lot 14miles inland   everywhere they go there's debris everywhere    it's a real mess there   i told him if i was retired, i'd be down there to help out as well   it's going to take years to rebuild when they do   after talking with him, i wondering how bad Mobile AL is   a fellow j-lander lives there and has endured the storm   she noted an entry a couple days ago to let all of us know she's ok and her family is safe   thank goodness!    God Bless them all, the victims, the rescuers, the animals, and all those lending a hand...

royally p.o.'d

i am royally ticked off!!!!!   i turn the tv on so i could watch the women's tennis final   and loooooooooo and beeeeeeeeehold the local station has overridden it with NM Lobo football    this just absolutely SUCKS!    Who the hell are they!   it's such a rare time i get to see women's tennis finals of the grand slams    this one is in the evening which i can watch and !@#$%^^&&***!!!!!!!   SORRY, BUT LOBO FOOTBALL IS NOT THAT GOOD........

now for some interesting news....i called someone who buys houses.   i was called into work today and had to deliver a flyer to everyone with this info on it    so i called them    they'll be here manana at 9am to check out the house    i'll see what it's all about and whether or not it'll be worth my time     i'd love to be out of this neighborhoond ASAP!!!

now,  off to the shower then i'm betting kyle 5 bucks that Texas beats Ohio State Univ   so i'll watch it for now until tennis arrives on the groove tube IF it does   knowing the locals here they've rescheduled the tennis match to run at midnight tonite   by then i'll know who won, DAMMIT!!!!

Friday, September 9, 2005


just got home from seeing this movie    it was cute and sweet   great family movie i recommend   Nicole Kidman did an outstanding job in her character   enjoyable with some laughs.....then i arrived home to find another Animal Services notice of a complaint   i've never actually figured out excactly who has it in for me and my dogs, but with this notice, i'm not waiting any longer to sell this house   it's been a rough day   i finally relax only to come home to more bullsh**-aaargh!     I wanted to fix up this place a little before selling, but enough is enough!   so i'm contacting a realtor manana and go from there    so i'll take a hit on profit, but my life isn't all about money    i'll in the meantime check out the mountains and AOL/high speed internet availability   otherwise i'll move close as possible to the mountain range   hopefully it'll sell sooner than later    in the meantime i'll get some repairs done and maybe it painted inside as needed    time will tell   i'll say a prayer and allow it all to the meantime, it's back to Potter   i'm on the 4th book but took a few days break   these books are a great escape if you need one.....well until another day   God bless you...take care..


Wednesday, September 7, 2005

U.S. Open Tennis

I love tennis    Billie Jean King was my idol   but i love the men's game as much as the women's    tonite i watched almost all of Agassi vs Blake    USA tv had contractual obligations and disengaged in the 5th and final set    so i've been waiting paitently by AOL Sports scoreboard for the finale    i had to keep checking the score for the 2 went into a tie breaker.....alas, Andre won!    awesome!   it was an all american match so we would win no matter what, but i was pulling for Andre   he's the best of his era IMO   i look forward to his semifinal this saturday i believe   in the meantime, the women have played great quarterfinals these past 2 days   my fav to win, Lindsey Davenport lost tonite    now i'll see how the semifinals unfold before deciding who to root for this saturday in the finals    should be some more great tennis the remainder of the tournament men and women's     one day i'm going to make the trek and attend the tournament in person, hopefully within a year or two.....until another day....God bless you.

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

compassion of the heart

my anger is subsiding   my anger in regards to the Katrina devastation   my heart can now feel compassion for those people there in the Gulf Coast    my anger was at the government officials, not the victims of the hurricane   now that i've expressed my frustrations with our government in various journals, i can now light that vigil for all the hurricane victims   it is still Ugly there in the gulf coast, but i pray time will eventually do some healing   i pray people can begin to recover although i'm sure their pain is something most of us won't ever know   God is with them   may all the Love there is be sent to all these people and their families wherever they be    the road is long before them and may each step they take lead them to peace, harmony, safety and security   God Bless Everyone!

Monday, September 5, 2005

is there Life out there...

have you heard this song by Reba?   somewhere between taking Kyle to work and returning home 20mins later, i realized there is Life out there for me other than what i've done   i realize now is the time i can do whatever i damn well please once retired....and i'm going to do what I desire to do not what everyone else....i'm finishing school at UOP then attending UNM for photography   i've done ALL things i'm suppose to in life, now i'm heart desires to develop my creative side, allow my creative juices to flow...overflow...i never knew in life what i wanted to do when i grew up until my early 30s    now i'm going to be a kid the rest of my life besides my full adult boring self    not sure what it will all look like, but hey, there's life out there!

lazy morn

well i was up late this morn, but then again 9am isn't really late for me   anything after it is   so i sat sitting my coffee and reading Potter's book #4   i'm absolutely HOOKED on Potter!   but i'm having a blast with the books....anyways i finally turn the groove tube on only to find our New Mexico Lobos being televised on ESPN   apparently i didn't need to buy tickets for the home game   it's half time and thus far they have played very well    we're in the lead 17-6 vs UNLV    i hope the Lobos have a better season the past 3, not that they've been bad   we have made it to Bowl games but have yet to win on those games   i'm hoping their season is better in preparation for another bowl game so they can win it this time    it is a feat by coach Rocky Long to get us to the bowl games, now the next feat is to win ....GO LOBOS! day i'd love to get a photography degree at UNM   hurry up retirement! this has been how my mornin has been spent   i will get a few things done this afternoon   yesterday was a lazy do nothing day   i napped, watched football and then hit the sack but reading Potter a tidbit first    kyle and i argued over who was sleeping on the couch last nite    ever since i slept on it a few weeks ago, he's been doing the same    the futon couch is a great bed and it's a nice, real nice, change sleepin on it versus the same old bed   plus it's just really cozy in the living room too    well he won out last nite for the couch   i slept in his bed since mine is full of laundry to be folded, hence my first project for the day   straighten up my bedroom   i will also get the dogs out for a walk today for sure    just wasn't in the mood yesterday maybe due to the cloud cover and the serious tone in the atmosphere    we talked a little about the gulf coast area at church, then i read some more news on it and some j-landers commenting in their entries    with my blues in hand this made a gloomy day-ugh is brighter all the way around   sun shines, no blues, i have a light heart and it's another lazy day mood but with energy to boot...i visited the official Harry Potter website this morn   they have a couple shirts i'll purchase soon   one has 'I swear i'm up to no good' on it, or something close to it    i'm going to have this as my new motto for life:-)   mischief managed!  it's mandatory i keep my life Light and lighthearted   it's dreary enough with the blues   as class begins at church i want to insure i don't get too serious   so i'm going to keep reading Potter while attending class and go play somewhere somehow as well   key's to a young heart....forever more forever Life is Good

Sunday, September 4, 2005

hmmm....not a lot happening here in abq   this morn i sit with my coffee with half & half in lieu of coffeemate creamer   thought i'd treat myself   it does taste better with the half & half    anyways, Nicole left early this morn headed back to Ft Bliss   she was suppose to be in formation at 5am but didn't leave early enough, so i hope she doesn't get into trouble   kids seem more independent these days than when i was growing up   they seem to do whatever they damn well please    i think that's good in some sense, but could be a problem in the long run   who knows   just my thoughts.....anyways, last nite i watched the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban   i was disappointed the second time around   i finished the book friday nite   the movie told the story, but in a different way   not in the order as the book was written   plus i felt they left out some important details   so now i'll watch the first 2 movies and see how close they are to the books as well    the books are much more enjoyable   i'll be starting book 4 today or tomorrow    i have about 10 days before my class at church begins   i've never felt more ready for more spiritual learning until now    all the fear and confusion from my illness has subsided   i'm clearer and more focused than ever   i have a bit of confidence back in my belt as well    now all i need is to be retired and going to school also completing my bachleors......

now for the next couple days....i hope to go hiking today   once finished with church i'll see how the weather is holding up or not     then manana, i'm cleaning up my study   it's dusty as hell among other things like paperwork piled everywhere    it'll be nice to have it cleaned again and rid of unnecessary garbage  ....well it's time to get ready for church     ....God Bless those people and states hit by Katrina   i pray life will be better soon for them....

Thursday, September 1, 2005


so is the state of New Orleans   i mostly read the headlines, today i read an article   the insanity of the people is unbelievable   i'm happy i'm not in a Big city   our city is more like an overgrown town and i pray no major disaster hits our area    not one for keeping up the news, but couldn't have this city and area better prepared themselves for the hurricane?   doesn't the civilian population teach disaster preparedness?   if not, then i think it would be a very good idea to do so somehow someway in light of Katrina...and it makes me wonder if we as a nation have really prepared ourselves for terrorism and how to react to it...o well enough of my tantrum

now for other important news.....i talked with Girlfriend (Sharon) at work   she's headed back to Iraq this coming january   another co-worker, Sue, will be going also for the first time  it reminded me too that Danny is due to head over there very soon   i found out he will be coming home first for a few days before actually shipping out to Iraq   i believe he'll be here next nephew is transferring his guard unit to New Mexico and he found out this unit is currently serving there  Kyle wants to go, so who knows he may    he also was told today that they may send him to Louisiana to help people there from the after math of Katrina    so all in time we'll see...o yes, he just got a call for a job too plus waiting to hear about a security job and UPS   things are looking up for him:-)   makes us both happy   he has energy to burn and it needs to be elsewhere other than here at home even tho he does clean house....

now, as for i signed up for class at church   books for the class cost more than i anticipated plus i have one more to buy   but i'm looking forward to the class, Bible Wisdom, taught by Rod who once was a Baptist minister   we will be using the 'Holy Bible' by george m. lamsa which is a direct translation from the Aramaic of the Peshitta    aramaic is the language Jesus spoke   this will be interesting indeed......this weekend i'll be headed for another hike too    will ascend the same trail as last week only will pushmyself another hour this time at a leisurely pace  .....i'm almost done with Potter book #3 and also just purchased the movie as well   once finished with the book, i'll see the movie again    then i'll start the fourth book before class starts   i'll have a week for that   want to complete it before the 4th movie arrives which i assume is in the near future, thanksgiving or christmas? ......finally, last but not least, a friend talked me out of getting another puppy    his flier was posted in the women's locker room at work   a shepherd cross but definitely appearing full blooded shepherd   i was saying NO, but still thinking about it until i spoke with Rhonda this morn (she posted the flier)   i say between my 3 kids, Jasmine and Tabou my hands are plenty full...BUT...i sure do love those shepherds anyways    all in time, i'll have one.......well this weekend i'll be busy with Kyle, Nicole and have a safe holiday   cya soon!