Saturday, April 30, 2005


i finished that paper:-)   i crawled thru it  i was going to start it last night, BUT decided against it    i knew i wouldn't sleep researching for that paper   i was tired anyways due to the cold wind that had blown into town yesterday   so i hit the sack early and started on the paper today   i took small bites on the research and took many, many breaks   i finished the paper 200 words short of its requirement   i could have come up with the remainder of the words, however, my stomach couldn't take it anymore  before i fell asleep last night, or maybe it was when i first woke this morn, i realized the Helter Skelter event back in 1969 is the only crime scene thus far in life that i just can't handle   it's just too horrific of a crime scene to visit but the research did educate me more than i knew at age i can breathe and sleep well tonight   didn't so last all a good nite and sweet dreams

no affirmation with this entry   too much contrast to the imagery....manana

Friday, April 29, 2005

Class paper week 2

this morn i decided to look at what my next paper is to be written on    well we have to select a well known criminal such as Al Capone, Charles Manson and the like, and write a 900-1200 word paper regarding them and criminal theory    well as soon as i saw Manson's name, i knew i wanted to revisit him   i want to better educate myself regarding his crimes, his followers and that event which happened when i was 11years old    i remembered it scared the hell out of me then, and this mornin as i read an article it still gives me the weebie-geebies   all i have to say is i hope i get to sleep tonight after writing this paper    i haven't really studied major criminals or serial killlers, and now i find myself in the midst of them    what have i gotten myself into?   so much for earning a degree in criminal justice   eeegod!  think i'll drink a beer while doing this paper   it'll keep me relaxed....

On Being Wise......When I am having difficulties seeing the answeres I need, I open my heart and mind to Infinite Wisdom.  Within me are the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom of all time, for the Infinite is within.  I call upon it and it always answeres.  I am never without the guidance and wisdom I need.



Wednesday, April 27, 2005

James my Love

i sit quietly , resting contemplating and i need to study    yet at the moment my mind is on my conversation with James this evening    i had to call   i needed questions answered   mostly just to know what happened back in november when he cut me totally off from his life....he's back now   only a few weeks ago...but finally we are at an understanding    i had hurt him unknowingly, but mostly everyone around him was hurting him   he and i really misunderstood each other regarding a money issue, but all is well now   neither of us are angry with the other     and tho we will never be together as lovers or husband & wife,  we are friends and love each other deeply    i've learned in the past few weeks since his return, he is a complex man    i know we all have our complexities, but i think because he's dying of cancer adds to his   i've learned greatly from this relationship with him    for one, there are men like minded as i when it comes to relationships and beliefs our life    the simple pleasures we most treasure    he's a beautiful man inside and out    i'll treasure him forever.....for now i will be there for him anyway i can , and he the same with me although he's in Houston, TX and i here in New Mexico.....i will meet him one day   hopefully this summer with the trip to Ft Worth to see some family    i think Houston is only 4hrs away from there    I will pray that all the money will come together for this to happen........God Bless him with all the love he so deserves!

affirmation for the day:   When I am having difficulties seeing the answers I need, I open my heart and mind to Infintie Wisdom.  Within me are the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom of all time, for the Infinite is within.  I call upon it and it always answers.  I am never without the guidance and wisdom I need.

Infinte can mean God.

a Re-Post of "I AM THERE"

the following was an early entry of mine.   i gained it from my foundations class at church   it was also left on the moon by the astronauts   although it should be in poem format, i have to figure out to dispay as such in this journal   maybe it just isn't possible   this was written by James Dillet Freeman    thought some of my new readers would enjoy it   a Great Reflection of God!  enjoy!

                                               I AM THERE

Do you need Me?                                                                                                   

I am there.

You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.

You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.

You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.,

I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.

I am at work, though you do not recognize My works.

I am not strange visions.  I am not mysteries.

Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know Me as I am and then but as a feeling and a faith.

Yet I am there.  Yet I hear.  Yet I answer.

When you need Me, I am there.  Even if you deny Me, I am there.

Even when you feel most alone, I am there.

Even in your fears, I am there.  Even in your pain, I am there.

I am there when you pray and when you do not pray.

I am in you, and you are in Me.

Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine."

Yet only in your mind can you know Me and experience Me.

Empty your heart of empty fears.  When you get out of the way, I am there.

You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.

And I am in all.

Though you may not see the good, good is there, for I am there.

I am there because I have to be, because I am.

Only in Me does the world have meaning; only out of Me does the world take form; only because of Me does the world go forward.

I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of living cells are founded.

I am the love that is the law's fulfilling.

I am assurance.  I am peace.  I am oneness.

I am the law that you can live by.

I am the love that you can cling to.

I am your assurance.  I am your peace.  I am one with you.  I am.

Though you fail to find Me, I do not fail you.

Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you never wavers, because I know you, because I love you.

Beloved, I am there.

i have it posted on my fridge so i can read it often and remind myself God is here.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

ok Great! Rev Jennie just called. They had moved to the other building...i'll be there next week:-) now i'm all happy....

back to the grind again

i faced the closed doors,  locked and no audible sounds   i was surprised to find them locked tonight    it was the first nite for another church class   i was late  half hour to be exact   i knocked but no one heard   i was sooo disappointed but will soon learn why? they were locked   i hope it was a mistake   i left a message on Rev Jennie's home phone so she can call be about the class   she's teaching the class and i was lookin forward to learning more from my mentor    i just hope it wasn't a sign that i'm not suppose to take this class   i'll know soon the meantime, i'm back to the grind at work   grind = working overtime  10+hr days  sometimes walking 8 of those hours   UGH!   well only because i need the dough, but my body is aging and i felt a change in my momentum a couple months ago  it was the same change i felt at 35   when you're doin a walkin route daily 5-6times a week plus some, it is very wearing    the men must be able to endure longer   this year we had a 63 yr old guy who did a walking route daily at a 'fast' pace   i don't know how he did it   i'd like to be able to last that long on a walking route, but......we'll see   i'm still hopin for an early retirement....anyhow, now i sit and my body doesn't move   as i said, i'm back to the g...r...i...n...d     

affirmation of the day:     On Letting Go 

Nothing is ever lost in the Universe.  That which is mine returns to me.  I release my hold on life so that it can flow freely.  I release my hold on things so they can be in their right place.  If something does not return I know there is something better for me ahead.  I prepare to receive my greatest good now as I let go in order to receive.

in the near future i'll write more on my spirituality....God bless....take care

Monday, April 25, 2005


lost confused...i set foot on this trail soul leading me home again

no more faith...always place safe

black & white...everything gray..what is this to me

one week...color appeared again...soul grows...shifts...and changes, then

another step...another week...i began to know again...God is real...God is all there is

copyrights reserved for karen l goins


Modnay Blues

I had a rough day at work which angered me all day   maybe it's just menopausal bitchyness but anyhow, another time another story.......I want to thank everyone for stopping in for a visit with my journal    your warmth and support is most appreciated   words are lost for my gratitude   and it's great to meet such wonderful people in j-land......this is a very short entry for i didn't get home til late and i have homework to post before midnight, not much but need to get right to it....Candace, and others interested in the affirmations, i did get it from a weeny teeny tiny book free from my church   it's about the size of a brochure   however, the Science of Mind magazine is full of affirmations   for those who don't know, i'm a religious science person by faith   First Church of Religous Science is my church   it isn't a religion, it's a philosophy regarding God with includes opinions of philosophy, revelations of religion and the laws of science as it is applied to human need and the aspirations of individuals.   Anyways,  the Science of Mind magazine is about the size of Reader's Digest and half it's thickness   it comes out monthly and cost about $3 i think.   We have the Science of Mind book written by Earnest Holmes who founded the church in the late 1800s i believe, it is our 'bible' so to speak.   In the back of this book is a load of affirmations and i will post some more, daily if i can remember.    here is another:

I greet each new day with joy and expectancy for I know Infinite Intelligence and Love guide my every action.  Every moment is a new beginning as I recognize God in all situations, people, and things.  My life is filled with good in all forms.

.....ok, i must run.....more soon   take care....

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Taking a risk!

i lay awake relishing in the possibilities of what may come   it's been years, six and more, since being in a relationship   it scares the hell out of me yet who knows what will happen  does not mind wanders....i'm taking a risk at this moment   i haven't in awhile   my mind wandered to my mental illness and i remembered at times i sooo desire for people to understand how far i've come and where i've come from   so here is the risk   i'm giving you a hint of my illness   i won't tell u mydiagnosis but i will reveal some hint   have you ever seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind" w/Russell Crowe?  i'm not schizophrenia as he was, however, i experienced some of what he went thru in the movie   his 'shadows' never went away    my medication takes all of that away and more   it's only depression that i still experience despite's been a long journey home.   P.S>   all this means is i'm officially 'crazy'=LOL   i'm fully sane with my meds, don't worry please!

Yep, a Date

Yes Candace, it was a date! Yeah! I even got a kiss. I wasn't sure whether it would be a date or not, but i asked him we went to an early dinner in lieu of the late lunch it was the best date i've had in YEARS! we sat and talked for 2 1/2hours covering some of our past relationships , our interests, and daily events of our lives And FINALLY, i've met a guy who's not wanting to hop in the sack with me yesterday he believes in forming a friendship first which i'm all for i told him he was a rare find   he was tellin me about some of the money he spent on his last relationship    O God !   no one has ever spent that amount of money on me   probably not even the total amount of one piece of jewelry he spent on his last woman   I had to warn him i'm a pretty independent woman   that i was the bread winner and carried the other relationships   it would be a major adjustment for me to have someone take care of me  and i'd still have my independence   (my shrink mentioned maybe i was too independent)   well it hasn't been by choice  i've been taking care of myself since i was 16, especially financially  i just didn't have to pay for the roof over my head until i was 18...anyways,  i told him if we continue dating he doesn't have to spend much money on me   actually our first date we went to the dollar movie   he said we could go to a regular movie, but i was happy with the movie at the dollar theater    alot of the things i enjoy doing aren't very expensive   like camping and hiking or taking a overniter somewhere in new mexico that i haven't been    he told me i'm a cheap date, lol    i reminded him that i told him that on our first date    it's not about the money to me   he makes more in 3 months than i do in a year, but i'm not about money   i want a true friendship with my future spouse and to know we are compatible and can endure whatever life hands us   money can't buy true happiness for me......anyways, this was a great date!  i'm looking forward to spending more time with him   i'll only have sundays available for the next 4weeks due to my class schedule   maybe we can finally get that hike in   it rained on us again, the second planning of a hiking trip   i love to hike even though my knee is going   will just wear my knee brace and take a walking stick   i'll be fine   i still have the grand canyon to hike, backpack and mule besides the whitewater rafting and helicopter flight over the canyon    hurry up retirement   i have MUCH to do and if Russ is still around, it'll be double the pleasure ....well i need to write my summary for week 1 of class   what i learned and what question still remains   then i can take tomorrow evening off from school and start again tuesday........the following is an affirmation    a part of our practices at church are affirmations   i find them good for me and others   so if the affirmations i insert are helpful, good and so be it!

I slow down and take time to smell the roses.  Each day is a joy.  I know I am guided by the wisdom of the universe and that everything is accomplished in its perfect time.  My assignment is to express Life in a loving joy filled way.  I slow down, smell the "roses,"  and enjoy the richness of every day.

the above affirmation is from World Ministry of Prayer who write the affirmations for the Science of Mind magazine...........God bless you all...

Saturday, April 23, 2005

my eyes are sore    my mind is blurred or is it the other way around my first paper for my class was due tonight, 1000 words, well 900-1000 i  just made it  have you ever had a paper due and your mind is blank    blank to what it is you're suppose to write blank as to what your going to write  empty  full of cobwebs and just not clickin like it should  it took me til 10pm last night to figure out what it was i'm suppose to write   i work saturdays and these long papers are no easy feat yet to do   work wasn't happening today   and it still took me hours to pull it together   having a direction  yet my brain would not flow the words onto the paper   but the past few days have been eye openers ever since Tj mentioned that the criminal justice system does nothing for the victims and favors the criminals   i hadn't ever thought of that perspective, but she's right for the most part    my reading material enlightened me more than the CTU classes as far as criminal justice    i haven't thought much about our judicial system for a very long long time   this is going to be a great learning experience studying criminal justice even if i don't get the opportunity to use the degree due to my disability     life, so much to learn  not enough time, lol...........i can relax a little for the next 2days , until the next week of class begins on tuesday   it was tough gettin in the groove this week-ugh! the good news    i'm going hiking with Russ manana provided the weather hold up    Russ is a potential relationship beginning   will develop our friendship first then go from there    he's high energy which should offset my mellow self    at least it will feed my youthful spirit although my body says otherwise    some of the men i dated my age were 'old' already    they were dragging me down   i don't want to ever feel 'old'    wise yes, but my heart remains young.........more on the date laterz  (i'm thinking this might be a date anyways)....well may the sun warm your face and the wind be at your back  may God guide you to your best...

Friday, April 22, 2005

Sadie girl

My Sadie girl is hurting. she's my shepherd cross. cross with what i don't know   i think dobie, others think greyhound   only her markings resemble shepherd and she is tempermental yet a sweetheart   she's been hurting over a week now and i will hopefully be able to get her to the vet next week   i'm requesting a particular vet at the VCA Animal Hospital   when they have their shots, i don't care, but other health problems i prefer Rita Lawler's gentle care with my dogs   anyways, my biggest fear is that she has cancer   i'm hoping it's just something simple like hip displaxia (sp?)    she's only 5 years old and too young to have either....i'm saying a prayer     she's second in charge around here, or so she thinks    it was just her and i for awhile since she was about 8 weeks old out of the animal humane shelter    i hurt for her, but she's hurting more.....

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! letter's not the's the people...more like person in i retired yet! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..............

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

James and the Bear

i think this is a test....i called james today and the phone call lasted literally a minute or two he was at the doctor's office and obviously in pain he's a monster when he's ailing i swear i deal with 2 different people when it comes to james, but i love the guy when he's happy and healthy he is most loving and gentle But....when he's hurting physically he's a Bear to deal with one who's space has been invaded by unwelcomed strangers maybe he stung like a bee today because i'm not at my best emotionally   maybe not  i'm not sure what to do during these moments except maybe walk away   leave him be    i'm not even sure he has active cancer and is dying, but because he believes it then i believe he will die sometime in the near future   funny how one person can ignite so many questions about death, the dying and life    yet at the moment i don't have the time to explore those thoughts until my next break from school   need to go back to the bookstore and purchase those books on dying and how to handle one who is    time is an illusion, yet there doesn't seem to be enough time for everything    discipline, determination, perserverence and patience will get me there....all in time...........i love this latest song by George Strait   very soothing to my soul!.............

The Pope....and resentment

I wanted to comment on the new Pope yesterday, but i was waning and not sure i even made sense in my last entry...anyways, i was home yesterday and 'just' happened to turn the tv on right after the announcement of a new pope so for some reason, maybe intrigue, i sat down and awaited for the upcoming event as i listened to the news correspondents and commentators, the question came to mind if the Catholic church is a machine just like the political machine? they were discussing about the 'different' catholics i.e. liberals, conservatives, doctrine traditionals, and it all sounded like politics to me    i do have a bit interest in politics, yet need to learn far more to truly understand it   well it came to me, i have far more to learn about religions besides my own spiritual journey and again i was reminded about my mental illness journey    this is where my resentment comes in   although only extremely small in nature, i do resent in rare moments having my mental illness   it only comes when i remember all the years i could have further educated myself in college and world affairs as i was on that path to begin with before my crazy days hit   now i'm like a babe in the woods again, just beginning the trek all over again with extremely little or no memory of what i learned before those dark cloud days   to me knowledge is power and far out weighs money any days as far as i'm concerned   the more you have knowledge, the better your judgment and critical thinking one can exercise in dealing with life and all the curve balls thrown your way   i feel keepin in touch with politics, others beliefs, and world affairs at least a little assist me in 'knowing' people and our society a little better   these facets remind me of what's out there that will confront me at any given moment   knowing people better will allow me the peace to honor their beliefs and opinions although i may disagree with them   compassion and understanding can go alot farther than anger or discord finally comment on the Pope    i wasn't happy to hear he had denounced other religions and beliefs   i've heard this from many others along my journey in life, and why is it so important for those to believe their's is THE ONLY WAY or is better?    humans are too complex to really understand i think   yet i may find my answers once i continue my own spiritual journey through the Course of Miracles, the Bible, and other spiritual works including philosophy which is a base in my church.....a mind is a terrible thing to waste...Knowledge is power!....p.s. the Gifts i received from my mental illness far out weigh the slightest resentment and the 'bad' of it so to speak.   I am truly grateful for it actually happening.   it's been a blessing in disguise....

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

first day of class again

hey everyone, i'm still around. again i had computer problems, and again i 'just' got my notebook back. at least this time i have better insight into the problems and hopefully they're all fixed now. i should have let George do the installs all the other times. he's a computer geek and a guy i dated for a few months (too geek for me), but he's a really nice guy. so now i'm here again, is here again. once i get through the first week or two, i should have some time to creatively write again, or at least i hope...i got online tonight to find 245 emails awaiting me.  after clearing out all the junk mail, i began the journey through all the aol journals i keep up with.   i'm still not completed.  Dona had written a minibook since i was offline, lol.  but i enjoyed every entry thus far.  had to comment on 3 of those for sure.   then there are the other journals i had to comment on.  to say the least, i realized i didn't get this journal updated with photos or journals i keep track of due to its glitches.   well maybe in another 5weeks unless i can find some days off from school.  i'll need something to relax me from school.   the beginning of a class, i'm always nervous, excited, scared out of my wits yet determined to get thru it.   tonight i remembered what it was like for over 15yrs ago in college.  i was the same with each new class.   eventually i settle into the groove and trek away in the course.   good thing i have my hiking shoes.  so tonight, i check into class and the sore thumb that sticks out is that the prof does NOT accept any late assignments.  I'm thinking o great!  no flexibility or longitude or latitude or nothing.   i wasn't late last class for any assignments, but i do appreciate the cushion.   stress management is the pits these days.  well guess i need to get out my cigs and beer more this course, lol...anyways, it's great to be back online!  Next to my camera, this is my favorite toy.  o yeah, my 4x4 too!   well til i write again.....God bless....take care! 

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

a milestone...

a milestone   i've completed one this evening   i completed my foundations class at church and i'm exhilarated! ecstatic!   i am so excited, so much more elated, about completing this one class at church than completing my first class at UOP.   this class did sooo much for me   it brought me back to my spiritual journey once more   after my psychosis i no longer believed in the spiritual world   no longer believed it was real, but that was only my mind speaking   my soul knew better and my soul kept yearning to return to my spiritual journey   back to God   back to my spiritual journey which i trekked before my illness   my psychosis was my psychosis but entwined in it was my spiritual thinking and the delusions it created also created a mess of my beliefs   such irrational thoughts and feelings   reality wasn't what it seemed......but now,   now i am on my journey again, One with God,  whole spiritually no longer filled with holes in my soul, my spirit questioning, doubting, wandering like a lost soul     God it's taken 2years since first stepping into my church to get back to my wholeness spiritually   I am life again   I am ALIVE again!   and God does it feel great to be on the trail again, learning, growing, changing with life again spiritually    each of our paths our unique for God is unique to each of us and words fall far short for description of how I truly's good to be Home again   Home a place within myself connected to the Oneness of God, Life, nature and all that i will rest, absorb and process again all that i've learned in the last 13weeks    it's been a wonderful trek these last few months ...and this is really only the beginning  ...alot of questions answered...alot more to learn and grow from...i've met some wonderful people too in this experience who i get to see on sundays , forming new relationships, new friendships.....this is a treasure that will be forever with me...Thank You God...Thank you kbear!  Thank You Rev Patrick and Elke!  Thank you Pod!  and Thank You to all the other wonderful people in this class for sharing!  Life is eternal and so are you!   And so it is...

Sunday, April 10, 2005

much to do about nothin'

a short note since it's been a few days or a week   i've lost track of time   my windows program crashed on me again and i just got it reloaded tonight temporarily that is   i'll replace it with a new windows xp program in a couple weeks   because i'm using this one over again which i think is against the rules...o well, this will work for the good news i've completed one class at UOP this last week, and did fairly well   i'm happy with my A-   i get to start my next UOP class this thursday providing i find a copy of my 2003 tax returns which i have misplaced   i go to the IRS manana for a copy i hope......and in a couple days, tuesday evening, i will be completing my foundations class at church   spent $50 today for my project due in the class on tues   i put some photos together after enlarging them  at the local walmart   i'll have them enlarged from the negatives for my my house in the near future    I love photography and have a talent in it yet i just don't get to do it enough    when i get to retire from the p.o. i'm going to UNM here in abq and get a photography degree   i'd love to have it as a great hobby and maybe a professional photography career   all in time     once i get this computer jiving, i'll put some photos on this journal .....the final entry here is to answer Dona's question about home or where i've lived   Dona is another woman's journal i keep up with   great journal   still need to list other journals i keep up with....anyways,  i was born in KY and we moved to IN when i was 6yrs old and then grew up there   i left when i was 18 1/2yrs joining the Air Force   my journey in military landed me in spokane, wa where i call home away from here abq, nm    i've been in nm for 17yrs now after chasing relationships around the world and back, somewhat literally, then landed in pitt, charlie brown, is pawing me...i've got to go........

Sunday, April 3, 2005


In struggle we strife  In love we live  yet we are separate only by mind  we journey endlessly  only where do we go?  back whence we came  God eternal  forever living soul    we bicker we fight we disagree  but does it matter? what really matters?  our fabric  our Being  our Essence matches God living in every soul   Life is not the same no more...   I lost a friend  not thru transition  yet gone their own separate way   by thought  belief  some disagreement  between our souls   maybe again one day  we'll meet again   there in God ...forever living...Soul


a prayer, a meditation for my soul today

I Am Complete in Thee
Almighty God, Everlasting Good, Eternal Spirit, Maker of all things and Keeper of my Life, Thou art All.
Infinte Presence within, in Whom all live; Joy Supreme, flooding all with gladness, I adore Thee.
Eternal Peace, undisturbed and quiet, I feel Thy calm.
O Thou Who dost inhabit Eternity and dost dwell within all Creation, Who Dost live through all things and in all people, hear Thou my prayer.
I would enter Thy gates with you and live at peace in Thy House.                            I would find a resting place in Thee, and in Thy presence live.            Make me to do Thy will and from Thy wisdom teach me the ways of Truth.          Compel me to follow Thee and let me not pursue the paths of mo own counsel.       O Eternal and Blessed Presence, illumine my mind and command my will that my Soul may be refreshed and that my life may be renewed.               As deep cries unto deep, so my thought cries unto Thee and Thou dost answer.        I am renewed and refreshed; my whole being responds to Thy love, and I am complete in Thee.          All my ways are guarded and guided, and I shall live with Thee eternally.     O Lover of my Soul and Keepr of my Spirit, none can separate us, for we are One.          So shall Thy Wisdom guide me, Thy Presence dwell within me, Thy Love keep me and Thy Life envelop me now and forevermore.

I didn't make it to church today due to the time change and the late night, so I turned to my Science of Mind book from our church and found this.....this was much needed today.   Thank you God.  

Bless you all!


Saturday, April 2, 2005


I can't believe James called. After all these months, he called! I"m in shock. James, where do i begin with him. I met him online last august. He's a dying man of cancer and lives in TX. We became friends and then lovers via the internet. We chatted online often then by phone. .... I'm still in shock... may have to finish this entry laterz......thought writing here would wear some of the shock off. anyways, he called tonight at 11:30pm. I didn't recognize the number but i'd figure i'd at least tell someone they were calling the wrong number this late at nite.   thank goodness i had just wrapped up my 2000 word paper, almost.   i have most of it done, will finish it manana.   anyways, James.   He calls me Ru.   I haven't heard that in soooo long, since October actually.   He's originally from Australia but his parents moved to albq when he was a kid.   He still has a bit of an  australian accent.  He has his doctorate in physics i believe.   doctor in something.   he's an inventor.   he's been inventing things lately and has patent requests on a couple items from the last i heard.   he's suppose to come into alot of money and wants to leave it with me.   we, i'll wait and see on that.   great thought, but i'll believe it when i see it.   anyways, he got some bad news regarding his cancer around 1nov and took it out on me.   he hadn't spoken to me since.   he was trying to protect me, he's still trying to protect me.   i befriended him initially so as to do whatever i could for a dying man, whatever that may be.   i figure if nothing else, lend him an ear.    anyways, he and i got a little or alot involved although it was long distance.   i gave him the best of me like giving him hope and encouragement and love and friendship and all the positive thinking i could think of and more.   i treated him with dignity and as a human being.   maybe he didn't have much of that in his life.   so anyways, he blows up at me in november and i thought sure i'd never hear from him again.   but the man i knew, would have contacted me again and he did.    i am sooo very happy he has.  i've missed him and the laughs we'vehad.   i was always ruining his bad day, like even tonight, by laughing and melting that anger and edge from him.   he told me he loves me and is in love with me.   he called me Ru again.  o god!   i still love him and care for him, yet i know James a little better now since the blow up.   i just need to accept his desire to 'protect' me although i feel i don't need protection.   life is tough at times and i take the good with the bad and the ugly.   life is about hurt sometimes too, especially with those we care about so much.   i accept that we will hurt the ones we love more than anyone else .   i've learned this lesson.   we don't intentionally do so, but it does happen.   well James has learned alot since 'dumping' me.   he discovered that his 'good friend' wasn't so 'good' after all.   anyways, James seems to be ok, other than the C, right now.  James thinks i shouldn't forgive him and remain angry at him.   i knew when we blew up at each other what he was doing-trying to protect me.   plus he has felt he needed to die alone,   i didn't get that impression tonight.  well, i'm very happy to be in touch with him again.   i have things in perspective about him and i, that we can't ever be together, but that's ok.   i'd still do anything for him.   he's an intelligent, sensitive caring man.  he's always looked out for everyone else but himself.  but that is James.   he said they only gave him about a year, but who knows really.   i don't know.    anyways, before he does make his transition i'd still like to meet him, hold him and tell him i love him.    this was one thing he really wanted before he passed.   such a treasure he could take with him.    anyways, i'll still be here for him.   he's important.    i'll see how things go.   he's pretty stubborn too.    o well,   God bless him.   the funny thing is he's 6'6" and i'm 5'4".   mutt and jeff, lol..........