Thursday, June 30, 2005

can't sleep....

well i'm awake for a little while longer    needed to have a bite to eat before i can go to sleep   so i just had some toast   the way i haven't been eating a lot lately hopefully i'll lose a few pounds...anyways, i reflecting on a moment on the bus ride home tonight while laying in bed    i had a revelation   'I am success'   i rode home in my postal uniform tonight because i forgot clothes to change in case i had to ride the bus  i got a lot of stares on the way home and in one moment while a guy was staring and i was thinking, i realized i am a success story   after all i've been through my entire life, i am successful   since childhood i think i've been thinking success meant getting my degree, and it still does   but tonight what i realized in my success is i keep going no matter what the troubles, what life has handed me thru the years, in my youth, rough relationships, my illness and whatever other things i thought important   but i am successful because i endure, i don't give up, i survive and more in living life   i have perserverence, determination no matter what cards show up   my will power, courage, determination and whatever else i can't see within me that drives me to Live thru it all keeps me going   my self image all these years has been erroneous   i know i got the worthless image from childhood, but i finally see that is Not who i am at all    i am success, succeeding, successful although i may stumble at times, i may falter, i may be wrong about things and people, but for the life of me I AM!......the song, The Dance - by Garth Brooks says it all and more....

glimmer of hope

well, where do i start tonight   it's 9pm and i've been home for about 10mins   i finally took the bus home from work   not knowing the schedules, the times and the bus stops i finally got on the bus at 7:15pm   one hour and 45mins later i finally make it home   granted i work and live on opposite ends of town, but....i had guessimated about an hour or little more on the bus trek, But almost 2hrs i didn't imagine   this is very interesting considering  i just bought a bus pass for the month of july   this is going to be more time consuming than originally thought   right now there's a glimmer of hope for me to get into a car manana   the guy called me this evening about our apptmnt in the morn   i told him i didn't think i'd have enough money   his reply is that there's ways of getting around that figure but would need a couple hundred less than required minimum   so i'm saying my prayers tonight that after the bills are taken out in the morn, there'll be enough for those wheels   if not, i should have it in a couple weeks and that would be only one week of riding the bus since my boss will be working the late shift next week i can hitch a ride to and from work    so please say a prayer for me   i know all will work out eventually , tomorrow would be better.....and besides  there were tooo many homies on the bus ride home   not that they scare me, it's been awhile since i've been around a fad of people   their attire was not appealing to me at all, but everyone has their fad/phase they go thru....anyways, i did get to unwind a bit on the ride home  now i have tons of energy or it's stress from riding the bus    i need to chill really bad   and i think it got over 100 degrees today-ugh!   would explain my nauseated self at times despite tons of fluids   100+ degree weather does upset my tummy easily....anyways, the weekend will be here for me in 2 days-i work saturdays but it'll be a great start if manana works out   keepin my fingers to catch up with everyone's journals...sweet dreams...g'nite

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

long hot day

at the moment i'm chillin after a very long hot day   although i wasn't in the sun all day, i was in it at its peak time   fortunately there was a breeze which kept it cooler than it actually was    they've put me back on my route, walking 10miles plus a day and it's wearing me down daily   about 6months ago i noticed a decrease in energy  just that change again i suppose due to age   as much as i love the walking, it's tougher nowadays to endure, but i do endure   i just come home and sit for the rest of the day which is what i'm doin right now   body's too tired to do anything else although i must sweep the floor and do some laundry tonight   i'm also dying for some milk at the moment   so will walk to the store and get some for bedtime.....after days of much thinking and a conversation with my friend Steph i'm going to delay a bit getting another vehicle   i keep comin up just short to pay cash for a beater and i really don't desire to have another car note    my unofficial boss is picking me up in the morn and i just got the bus schedule for riding home    i'll be fine and will use this opportunity to catch up on some other bills   i realized a few days ago that i've been in a vicious financial cycle and now is the perfect time to get out of it   my boss and i riding together does us both good for different reasons   without a car note, i can pay off some bills rather quickly   i'm only talking a few paydays and then i'll get into a car again    Change is much needed for me right now and i'm going to make the best of it Right Now   the most important thing is i have my house   i can take of the basic necessities at the moment and pay off bills-yeah!   i hate debt except a house payment....reading my book The Laws of Spirit gave me a new perspective on my journey in life   i realized i've been doing instant gratification alot recently in lieu of enduring the long haul of things   so now i'm ready to make the sacrifices i need in order to get where i desire to be again with my life, especially finances right now    there was a time in my life where i lived simply   i didn't have all the debt i have and i saved and paid cash for things   a couple months ago i remembered all this and knew this is the goal in my life i desire again   Now the opportunity has arrived   Now is the time to begin those steps again   otherwise it's back into the vicious cycle and i've had enough of that   i've learned greatly these past 2 months   now i will know what i'm made of again   i'm up for the challenge  i'm ready....Life is Good.....

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

long holiday

it's going to be a loooong holiday already for the 4th    the neighbors have begun doing fireworks and my dogs are all round up   as much as i enjoy this holiday, i also don't because of my dogs   charlie is already in a frenzy as the fireworks go off    it's going to be a chore to keep him calm til next week   i won't get much sleep this weekend either because of the fireworks   i'll have to take plenty of naps....anyways, i hope everyone enjoys the holidays this weekend   have a safe weekend....


the Law of Integrity

                                           Living Our Truth

                            Integrity means living and acting

                            in alignment with spiritual law

                                and with our highest vision,

                            despite impulses to the contrary.

                               From the heart of integrity,

                           we recognize, accept, and express

                              our authentic interior reality,

                          inspiring others not with words,

                                but by our example.

as i sit listening to my kids play, i lose myself in the moment and forget my troubles  i'm saying a prayer today that wheels come my way soon   i just remembered another option i may have   will call a dealer and see if it's available   in the meantime i'll see if i can get a hold of Tjnya this morn and get her rollin on Andre's car   i'm a bit stressed with all of this, but i'll be fine    better days are ahead, they just cant arrive soon enough  ...wish me luck....and i forgot where i was headed with integrity

Monday, June 27, 2005

time to move on....

well today was not successful when it came to my car    after exhausting all my options, i finally resided to let my Z car go   i still came up short on getting the dough together to fix it    and who knows what other problems would come up afterwards   so plan B is in effect now    i'll fix Andre's car, Tjnya son, and drive her spare car til i get the dough together for another car   i'll also do some fixin up on the spare car, not much, but at least a radio so i have music to listen while driving    and i'm still trying to get a hold of Marlo, who other son, about his motorbike   any wheels i can acquire right now will be fine for me    i also stopped at a used car lot just down the street to see what it would take to get into one of their used ones   still needed as much for it as it would cost to fix the Z car   anyways, something will come together in the near future for i realized i have much determination on this  set my mind to it and i get it done  it does me great good to at least put my best foot forward on all of this, it makes me feel good and i know i can get something done  something i learned while playing in sports   it is one's efforts that make it whether you win or lose   eventually you do win anyways  perserverence pays off in the long run.....also today i called the VA about my disability   apparently they've been waiting on some paperwork from me which i had been advised not to do   well they made notes via our conversation and will now continue with the package   it'll be another 45-70days from today before knowing something    i'll say my prayers for a good package to be approved......listening to a classic rock station   they're playing some of the 70s & 80s music which i like    i had forgotten that i was beginning to enjoy some rock a few years ago especially classic   it's a nice change right now   i really enjoy music and different types fit different moods   music is sooo gooood for the Soul   i've also decided to spend fifty bucks on Bruce Springsteen this payday   Walmart has his latests and a few older cds   Bruce is my 2d man, Michael Jackson being no. 1   i've been following Michael since age 10 when he was on the Ed Sullivan show with his brothers   i'm only 2 weeks younger than Michael and he's been my idol since 10   what can i say, i'm hooked on him even tho i rarely listen to his music nowdays   i had tons of his music years ago til my psychotic episodes  then i thru out ALL of my music including Michael among other things   it was my illness, not me   O well, i can recover some of the Jackson 5 music one day   right now I'm enjoying Bruce tremendously!    and my country music too.....well now back to home projects   and will be back to work manana   today was my scheduled day off and they didn't call me in to work    i'm lookin forward to returning to work to keep my mind off things   all is being done what can be at the moment    one day at a time    God Bless....

tea is the brew...

...this morn   haven't had a cup a tea in quite awhile   that used to be my only brew until about 15yrs ago when i began drinking coffee   i couldn't hang with the thought of folgers this morn  i know i'm spoiled by starbucks, but what can i say.....anywho  today i hope to have some direction regarding my wheels   i have 3 irons in the fire and just must wait and see which one pans out   i know this is only a temporary situation, but it's a little frustrating   not much, but a tad .....if i haven't mentioned, i'm expecting to hear from the VA anyday now regarding my disability increase   i should get a lump sump from the time i initially began the package plus the monthly increase   i'll take the lump sump and purchase a better used vehicle  had other plans for it, but with this situation arising i realized i must get a better vehicle sooner than later   so i'm anxious for the day to unfold and see what pans out    if i have wheels by this next weekend, i'm going for a drive   even if it's only a couple hours out on backroads, i need the break   i'd really like to head up to the 4corners area   that's about 4hrs away   just must wait and see...i'm actually happy with how i've been handling this stress   pretty calm about the whole thing, but recently i realized i do have a calm demeanor about things   not sure where i got it from, maybe childhood, but i remember it even in my late teens early twenties while in the military   a peer commented on it too  first time i had noticed it thing while walking everywhere but work, it has slowed me down not just literally but internally    stores are all within walking distance from my house and it's kinda like when i was a kid walking everywhere   and there was the time with a lover who refused to share the car, i got around on bicycle, bus or walking    guess i just know how to survive it all   it's almost a piece of cake   definitely teaches more appreciation of what one has in the world   i'm not angry with myself for losing my truck   i know how i've been the past 6months   my depression teaching me to slow down even more than before   it was time for changes, just wasn't expecting this one...all in all, i am well and happy   i have the gift of today and moments to enjoy   i have my dogs who love me to death and brings me joy, love & happiness....Life is Good!

Sunday, June 26, 2005


got my coffee...delicious!   it's Gazebo from Starbucks   glad i went...anyhows, the below questions i got from Patrick's Place who in turn got them from Brian, if i remembered his name correctly....enjoy and pass 'em on if you'd like.


What is your favorite word?  love
What is your least favorite word?  mother f**ker
What turns you on?   honesty, genuineness
What turns you offself-centeredness
What sound or noise do you lovemy dogs howlin'
What sound or noise do you hate?  music bustin my ear drums from someone else's car
What is your favorite curse word?  damn
What profession other than yours would you most like to attempt?  photographer
What profession other than yours would you least like to attempt?  politician
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?  welcome home

kbear ain't starbucks

i ran out of my starbucks coffee so i picked up some folgers just to get me thru the week    wrong answer...i'm spoiled by my starbucks   so i'm headed over to the coffee shop and have my cup of starbucks   i get some money manana and will buy be a bag of the good stuff first thing    i'll give the folgers to the neighbors ....the spoils of life   never know just how good they are til you don't have them, lol.....anyways, today i'll work on getting some moola for my car   i really desire to keep this car   will make a couple phone calls and go from there   otherwise another day for chillin'...

Saturday, June 25, 2005

false alarm...

more car repairs needed after all   they found a piston damaged after additional $800 is needed for repairing    now just see if i can come up with the money to repair it    it's either that or trash the car    i'm saying my prayers again this all works out soon....


ok   figure it's time i tell someone about my neighbors   this would be Dell immediately next to me, and then there's Justin and his family directly across from me    don't think either care for the other, well i know they don't but frankly my dear i really don't care whether they do or not   Justin is married with 5 children, unemployed and on food stamps   Dell is my hairstylist now and our homes are connected on one side   Dell desires to put up a brick fence as well as i do, so we'll do that and share the cost of one side we share   Justin i have help me around the house with yard work   i give him $20 for odd & end jobs   works for me and i pay him when i can   he'll ask to use the phone at times and that's no problem to me   Well this si one reason Dell doesn't care for the guy    there are 3 adults living across the street with no jobs   his wife is ill and i don't know who the other woman is whether it's a friend or relative  i'm thinkin his mother or somebody must have bought the house for him   anyways it's a little like nite and day between the neighbors    i've already assisted Dell in some small way and she does cut my hair which i pay her for     i just cant' be cold, harsh and judgmental when it comes to people   i'll help anyone if i can and usually that isn't a great significance except with my best buddies    my big heart needs to be exercised somewhere even if i give it out in very small dosages   we're not without our struggles in life, they just differ with each individual   Life does not to be harder with more i befriend them both and listen to their complaints of one another   that's between them and i'm not getting in between them....i just received a plate of carne arvada (sp?) from Justin's wife   it's delicious!

Tom Terrific?

ok Patrick just made a new entry regarding Tom Cruise's interview with Matt Lauer ,  "Tom Terrific?".....i love this entry of his and recommend all to read it   i learned more about the interview thru Patrick's entry than much as i love Tom, he don't know diddly when it comes to mental illnesses and chemical imbalances   but don't worry Tom, you're not alone in that department   some of my family members, Christians, feel the same as you do .....too bad, you're all dead wrong!           here's the link to Patrick's:


car's ready...

...or at least it will be this afternoon:-)   this is fantastic news   it's only going to cost $400 for the repair vs $1000   i'm soooo happy!   yeah!     and my Z car almost looks like this graphic   it's a nissan 300ZX   20yrs old but i'm keepin it even after buying a newer vehicle in the future   i've always wanted a sports car, so now i have one    i'll definitely put some money into it as well after home projects tho   like to keep as a for the latest............the past 3days have been blue and emotional for me-ugh-so i took today off from work to recupe  i can hardly wait to retire   anyways, as i lie in bed trying to get some extra shut eye i realized all the stuff i can get done today   i was going to clean at least, but then remembered i've been wanting to change my prints in my bedroom   currently i have Gordon Snidow's Cowgirls and that theme there, but i'm ready to move my Ansel Adams and my photos in my bedroom for my inspiration   start focusing on my creative side and inspire myself   i'll move my cowgirls to the 2d bedroom   i'm looking forward to the day   i get my car back and i get to relax as well:-)....ok, a very short story here from yesterday    i was delivering mail on my route yesterday and this little boy, about 1yr old, came chasing me so he could tell me all about his new puppy   his new puppy must be about 4weeks old, pitt bull pup, and the two of them were the cutest thing   this little boy just talked up a storm and kept pointing his finger at his puppy   this was a photo shoot but i didn't have my camera   they both matched each other's size   he couldn't actual pronounce any words, but boy did he have a lot to say   it was just darlin'    kids say and do the darnest things    i just don't get the opportunity often to be around kids, but i truly enjoy them when i do......have a great day everyone!

the saturday six

Picture from Hometown


1. Yesterday, I linked to the journal "Mall Of America," a collection of photos from shopping malls of the 1960s and 1970s.  What store do you associate most with your childhood in terms of happy memories and why?  Is the store still around?
     i think the store was called Ben Franklin's   a five and dime store   the country atmosphere and the best penny candy
2. What song makes you the most emotional and why?
   'American Soldier' by Toby Keith    it puts me right in the soldiers shoes and i'm always thinking of our troops in iraq
3. Take the
quiz:  What year were you born under, and what year should you have been born under?
       You Were Actually Born Under: You are totally loyal, faithful, and honest.
However, you don't trust others to be as ethical as you are!
Straight forward and direct, you really aren't one for small talk.
You are a great listener - and an agreeable companion when you're in a good mood!

You are most compatible with a Tiger or Horse.
You Should Have Been Born Under:
No worries, you're not really pig-like in your personality.
(Though you have been known to have a healthy appetite!)
You are highly intelligent - forever studying and gaining knowledge.
You have a heart of gold and you are appreciated by many.

You are most compatible with a Rabbit or Goat.

4. What time do you typically wake up each day?  What is the latest you're normally able to sleep?  How many hours of sleep do you get in an average night?   lately i've been waking up about 6am yet i still sleep in til about 9am sometimes   my sleep pattern is a mess but calming down   i always must have 8hrs sleep but will sleep 12hrs at times for no apparent reason

5. What frightens you the most about getting older?
     really not being able to do what i most enjoy like hiking and such   it's already begun to happen a bit due to my weak left leg   that is the femur i broke in my younger years   nowadays i can only walk about 3 hours before i'm limping all the time   i still desire to backpack the Grand Canyon and will even if i gimp most of the trip....
Debi:  If you found the house of your dreams, right price, then discovered that a murder or suicide had taken place in the house, would you still consider buying the house?    No!   i could not live with the memory of that in my house....

Friday, June 24, 2005


Please leave a one word comment that you think best describes me.

It can only be one word.  No more.

Then copy and paste this into your journal so that I may leave a word about you...

Stolen from Secret Garden.

...and then I stole it from Sorting the pieces !

And I stole from Midnight Diaries....


Thursday, June 23, 2005

it's a good day....

Good news today   twice!   for awhile now, i've been afraid that i was going to lose my house, however, today i found out that i'm not going to do so    got that news first thing this morn   it absolutely made my day:-) ...later this afternoon i run into Charlie who's been keepin an eye on my VA disability paperwork    he wouldn't say how much, but there is an increase coming my way   if i were to determine the value by his smile, it's going to be significant :-)   i've been expecting to hear from the VA any day now, so hearing what i did from Charlie made me very if i could only hear about my car   the timing belt broke so they're replacing it and then will check to see if the pistons have been damaged   i'm praying really hard the pistons are fine   hopefully will know manana...and who told my boss about my financial troubles   he brought me home from work today and shared his troubled times with me   i don't think anyone really told him, more than likely he figured it out on his own from his past experience   i know who the informant is if she did reveal it to him, but I'm NOT angry   the chat on the way home did me some good   I am really blessed with some good management people to work for even if i don't agree with them all the time   most of what they do is ordered from higher ups anyways   if i knew these people would be around for the remainder of my career for retirment, i'd stay another 8yrs   but they don't always have control of where they will be either   just found out yesterday another great supervisor won't be returning to our office   they've placed her elsewhere permanently....anyways,  i am fortunate right now and count my blessings   i was reflecting today how much someone has been watching over me my entire life   i just always want to give in return and the time will come i can   my life is coming together like never before and i am blessed with wonderful people in my life   there are compassionate, understanding people who live here in this world and it makes for a better place   Thank you God for all my blessings including all the j-landers who visit and support me often.....

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

the Law of Balance

Blue Mood, but i found re-reading my book, it enlightened me......

                                    I use not only all the brains I have,

                                           but all I can borrow.

                                        -Woodrow Wilson


                            The Law of Balance

                           Finding the Middle Way

                                   If gravity is the glue

                          that holds the universe together,

                                  balance is the key

                               that unlocks its secrets.

                                      Balance applies

                              to our body, mind, and emotions,

                              to all levels of our being

                         It reminds us that anything we do,

                              we can overdo or underdo,

                           and that if the pendulum

                              of our lives or habits

                           swings too far to one side,

                       it will inevitably swing to the other.

this gave me Hope tonight    a new perspective on what i'm doing and not doing in my life   i am out of balance especially my finances at the moment    although the pendulum has not swung tooo far, i am ready for it to swing the other way once more   then there can be balance practiced daily, habitually for a new change    only recently have i found the balance for my working hours   i am happier than i have been in a long time    now the next step in my journey for more balance..........the Law of Balance is in the book "Laws of Spirit" by Dan Millman    ....a new lesson for me to learn once again....

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


it rained today to my surprise   i either missed the forecast or it came unexpectedly   the clouds rolled in   lightening struck, thunder rolled and it poured buckets which is the norm when it does rain here   it's so really koooled off the heat   i did get somewhat wet delivering mail since i didn't take my rain gear   fortunately i had my ever handy sweatshirt i threw on once my shirt was soaked  todays rain drops were golf size sometimes   although i was in/out of the vehicle with dismount delivery i still got soaked   nice change   and i'm wondering with as much moisture we've had thus far whether we will have a true monsoon season this summer   we haven't had a good monsoon season in many years now   they're electric!....anyways,  i was sooo happy to hear that the missing boy in Utah was found today   ever since the 3yr old boy went missing in the woods a few yrs back in CO, i cringe everytime any child gets lost   that was such a very tragic story back then.....well tonight i chatted with my niece online for awhile   she desires to try out for the Olympic softball team    i didn't have the heart to tell her she probably won't make it    she hasn't been playing in awhile, but she feels she's fit for the adventure   i wished her well and that's all i could really do   suggested weight training and the such too   i wonder sometimes if her ego is inflated a bit too much like her mother's (my sister)   i admire they can think so positive of themselves, but i'm a realist   although i've been pretty good athlete in sports, i couldn't ever consider myself good enough to try out for the Olympics   plus i learned in my twenties, there is a progression in getting to where you want to be with anything including sports   hopefully just her giving the effort will suffice for her   maybe she's better than i can imagine, but i also know her mother's ego   we'll see what happens   i wish the best for her truly from my heart.....she has her work cut out for her.....anyways, that's about the news for today   i'm enjoying that kool air right now   it'll probably be really hot again manana...take care...cya!

Monday, June 20, 2005

hotter than hell!

yep  it was a very hot day for our first official day of summer   weather forecast was for 97 degrees, but i swear it must have gotten hotter than that    i've heard when it's hot and humid its the worse, however on days like today i tend to disagree   at least with humidity there is moisture   here in the desert its totally DRY!   can't keep hydrated enough while delivering mail   well its' here now   although i had my 52oz coke mug And my 1/2 gallon jug of water, it wasn't enough    i welcome anyone here to our desert and i shouldn't complain because in Phoenix AZ it's even worse   they average over 100 degree weather throughout the summer    don't know how the letter carriers do it down there   anyways,  Girlfriend agreed with me about the heat today and she served in iraq where the average temp was 120 degrees   guess i'm still that cold weather person i grew up to be....anyways,  i won't be movin' back to KY for sure    i talked with Cindy for a bit about it,  i just can't do it   granted i was born in that state, but is it me or are people back there 'different'   maybe it's my prejudicial point of view from my own family who i label 'hillbilly'   anyways,  i'm soooo too happy to be out west and a bonafide westerner now, that no mountains could move me back east or mideast/midwest   my Spirit is free out here and i must keep it that way for my own sanity or what's left of it....may the sunrise and set daily in its majestic settings and be blessed wherever you are happy!

Sunday, June 19, 2005


just finished talkin' with my Mom   she's doing ok and had a great day at the "picnic"   the picnic being the bbq for Jaydin my little great nephew who turns 5 this Sept  she took him and his sister Maechala , 3yrs old, some water guns and they had a blast   it'll be great to see those kids this year   it's been a couple yrs since seeing them   99.9% of the time when i see my family it is when i head back to see them   most are in kentucky, across from Cincinnati and in Dayton OH ....anyways, after all these years that i've been out west, mom still wants me to move back there   i mentioned i was trying for early retirement and that was her reply   i suppose i'm her favorite of the kids because my father chose my other siblings has his favs, or so i've heard   i don't care to get into who's the favs of who   doesn't matter to me  that only keeps envy going and i don't bother with any of that...anyhow, mom would like to pick up where we left off before i left home at 18yrs old    Life has changed since then for me   i've changed and not sure we can ever go back so to speak   i told her once i retire, i'll just have to come visit more often or fly her out here at times    i may go back there to tend her when she gets older, BUT i must give that a lot of thought   it would only be temporary if i do   i'll keep the doors open and see what unfolds   there's still time   my parents are still young   they both turn 65 this year    there can be other options for taking care of mom when the time comes   i will know when that time arrives, but now is not the time   i would not be a happy camper back with family   i love them dearly,'s a looong story   so in the meantime, i'll just visit and stay in touch   God really knows what's best   i will allow God to be my guide when it comes to my family   it was a good conversation tonight with my mother   it's been a long time since we really chatted at any length   she's in my thoughts and prayers ...and always in my heart

The Law of Cycles

                                         Dancing to Nature's Song

                             The world of nature moves

                           in rhythms, patterns, and cycles-

                                 the passing of the seasons,

                                 the movement of the stars,

                                the ebb and flow of the tides.

                     The seasons do not push one another;

             neither do clouds race the wind across the sky.

                                All things happen in

                                their own good time-

                             rising and falling and rising

                                   like ocean waves,

                                  in the circles of time.

by Dan Millman  "The Laws of Spirit"

it's been awhile since opening this book and i am reminded that things will happen in their own good time   i mustn't rush things   patience is a virtue   Life unfolds as it will no matter what one's plans   now is the time to reread this little book on some of Life's lessons and practices   as another thought is written in this book:  "Worthwhile goals demand effort, risk, and sacrifice.  You have to persist through fear and doubt; you have to draw on inner resources and become more than you were before. Every new challenge serves as an initiation:  You meet discouragement; you overcome discomfort, boredom, and frustration; and you find out what you're made of."    it is time i know what i can become again....



well another day, another dollar and then my car pooped out on me   there was a time in my life i thought i had it all together   since my illness i feel i don't have anything 'together' but maybe that's the way life is meant to be   reading other j-landers journals and their struggles reminds me i'm not alone   sometimes i think there are some people with no problems   i suppose we all have our problems but it sure is lonely sometimes being in the midst of them   i fret, i worry, i get angry i suppose when mine arrive   but then again i'm sure others do also   i really don't like them for i had more than enough of those damn problems through childhood and strive for perfection   i dont' do so as often as i did in my younger days, but my heart still gives it a try   being older and wiser, i know all will work itself out, but at the moment my patience is being tested for sure  i am fine, and will be fine but must remind myself of that   i just want to be one happy person all the time and that's not realistic   but there will be simpler days ahead for there will come a time when problems are less or less bothering to me   this is my strife for now   i count the days for those moments arrival and see light at the end of the tunnel   for now there still is some darkness, but i will light a candle and say my prayers   'time to remember that time in september...when all was mellow'    or the song goes something like that   put a little music on and do cleaning and my home project for the day    Life is really good in spite of the troubles....

the saturday 6

Picture from Hometown

1. Do you do a yearly "spring cleaning" in your home?  If so, have you done this year's version, yet?   i try, but not always successful   sometimes it doesn't get done til the fall...and i haven't done this years version because i'm going to paint the inside of my house soon

2. Have you ever been blindfolded and asked to identify which of two drinks is Pepsi or Coke?  If you haven't, do you think you could tell the difference?
no i haven't had the blindfold test, but i could tell the difference between the two   i'm an avid coke fan but occassionally pepsi is all that's available   there is a difference!
3. You find out that you're going to have a child:  what baby names will you choose?  Zachary for a boy, Zoe for a girl but there are other names i like as well    not sure which i'd really decide

4. You must become one of the Brady Bunch kids for a single day:  which one would you choose to become and why?  Marsha i suppose ...and it's been tooo long to remember why

5. Where are you going for summer vacation this year?   i want to go to Mesa Verde an ancient ruin and the four corners area: NM, CO, UT, AZ meet together

6. What is the most religious thing you do on a day-to-day basis?    say a prayer even if it's simple gratitude to The One

Saturday, June 18, 2005


last nite Cindy invited me out for dinner and then we headed to Foley's for some shoppin   i had already bought be some new shoes before she called   need new tennies although i decided against tennies   some slip ons were just fine  on sale for $13 :-)  ..anyways we head out to Los Cuates my favorite mexican restaraunt   i don't go there often enough   it's better than Gardunos as far as i'm concerned a fancier mexican place ...anyhow we get to Foley's and there's a major sale going on   well i found 2 summer shirts and Cindy found 8 outfits totaling less than $200   she did very well  i bought mine in the men's dept, she in the women's dept   i'm just not a femme femme   i have my feminity, but i love clothes that are ready for rugged rough and tumble   outdoorsy me of course   Cindy is very femine and dresses extremely well   she needs to for her job nowadays too   as different as we are from each other, we have the best of time together   seems we have picked up from where we left off 11years ago   spending alot of time together    i'm very happy about this   she's such a Great friend   i told her that i desire to go skydiving   she said "it ain't going to happen...NO WAY"   as soon as she responded that way i was reminded that she did the same years ago   she's always looking after me , and i after her   there's a genuine concern for each other and we don't mind sharing that with one another   so after we talked about skydiving a bit more last nite, i promised her i wouldn't do that   besides i had begun backing out of the idea anyways after reading some horror stories in the news regarding skydiving accidents   so i'll just go rock climbing at least or something   the indoors rock climbing anyways    i haven't told her about that yet   but i don't think that'll be a problem   Cindy has always kept me "grounded"   i'm an adventurous woman and she keeps me from potential harm   i really appreciate her care for me ...anyways, it was another great nite spent with her   we laugh a lot too and she laughs at my sense of humor regarding my illness   only my therapist and psychriatrist have laughed as well, everyone else looks at me strange when i'm pokin' fun at my illness   hey i need my humor with this thing or i'd be sick all the time...ya know i have so much time on my hands now after work, i almost dont know what to do with myself    maybe this sunday after church i'll head out somewhere and take some photos   that would be great!  (i still miss school despite the stress i endured thru it)....well for now, it's off to work   another day  another dollar   except it being my day off it's a dollar and a half....everyone have a great day!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Almost forgot...

in the news today, locally, Jennifer Lopez, Antonio Banderas, and Kathy del Castillo are in town shooting scenes fro a movie   wish i had known about Antonio earlier   i would have greeted    anyways, i forget sometimes that alot of movies are made in new mexico or portions of films filmed here   i also keep forgetting that Julia Roberts, Shirley McLaine and other stars i don't know live in this state   i think Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have lived here at times   can't remember    it would be nice to bump into one of these stars one day, but i'm just fine not doing so as well   our state is beautiful and an attraction to the meantime, it's getting over 90 degrees again-ugh!   today i was up at the mtn base delivering mail so it wasn't too bad, but once i came in further, the heat was ON    i left my kids inside in the air    i just think it's too hot for them to be outside even tho i know people here leave their dogs and pets out in this heat    maybe i spoil them too much  maybe not...anyways, i give them all the TLC i can....i got the blues this afternoon all of sudden which is how it usually happens    reading everyone's journal tonight lifted my spirits   i even got some laughs   definitely keepin aol and aol journals in my life!

Silver Star Awarded to Woman

ok   in the news today is the story of Sgt Leigh Ann Hester who received the first Silver Star by a woman since WWII for her duty in Iraq   here's the link to the story:

first my congrats to this young woman and her bravery!   second, i hope this story will enlighten America on women in combat   in iraq there's not much distinction with 'front lines' and when will our govt allow us to fight in combat anyways, frontline and all?  if i could, i'd be there fighting with our troops   as an all volunteer military why not allow women who choose to be in combat be there   train them support them for those who'd fight along with our men  Volunteer is the emphasis here   not that i'd be wanting to be a hero, but if it's in my heart or it's in any other woman's heart, to serve with our comrades, then i feel it should be done   we have to prepare ourselves in the event of war for the most part like the men, let us be there is what i say   you never know when the enemy shows up on your front door as it is in iraq  i feel women can and have proven they can do just as good a job as men   nobody wants to be in war, but why do the men have to sacrifice more than women ....i know i've put myself out on a limb here, but women have been in wars for decades, prepare us completely for them....

Into the West

ok   a quick note on this series   first i was just reading the message boards in response to this series   it is diverse as America is   those favored and those opposed  given Spielberg put this series together i have no doubt it will give us a better reflection today than other series before it   i have an interest in the Native American culture   it's been inspired by being in a state full of Native Americans and the fact my grandfather was Cherokee with a bit of Choctaw   i desire to trace his heritage one day and other Native American history   although i wasn't raised on a reservation, it has always been in my heart compassion for our Native Americans  our visit to the Great Smoky Mtns in my youth, i got to dance with the Indians in the mtns  I love their spirit and maybe this is where i get my Free Spirit from   once i finish school, studying my heritage and more will be my direction   it will be a great journey to see how far i can get in our history   i have a Dream Catcher in my car  there are Native American art i desire to collect and weave into my living room   i consider myself a white girl or woman, but my heart desires to know my complete heritage   and there may be some Indian heritage on my mother's side as well   one day i will know...anyways, back to this series   i did see the first 2hr epsiode last weekend  it's off to a good start  2d episode begins this weekend   it's a six week series and i highly recommend it   History has its story   don't miss it....

The Pacifier

another movie last nite   'the pacifier' with van diesel   first movie i've seen of his  it was cute and sweeet   i recommend it for families and those that like warm fuzzies  it was 75 cent nite at the theatre so i invited Cindy and off we went   my car began overheating a bit before the movie and was still hot after the movie   so figured i needed some oil   will double check it this morn again before headin out for work ....this photo was taken in the town of Madrid in their museum display  it's an old miner's town about 5mins long if that   quaint little place and a pleasure to visit from time to time   it's considered a ghost town although it is populated and thriving  i loved this scene with the old garage and gas pump   had to take a photo shoot of it   there's lots of places, ghosts towns i have yet to visit in new mexico   will be great for photography and once i retire i will be venturing out to them   they'll make great day trips for discovering, exploring and have a hell of a good time   there is sooo much history in our country   and i still have yet to make it to our nations capitol   one day   and then there's all the civil war battlegrounds   if you haven't voted in the Best American series yet, please do   there are some great Americans listed including some modern day people like Oprah and Lance Armstrong...anyways, i'll be anxiously waiting for my retirement to come along and to travel the state especially the back roads where there is tons to discover   more ancient ruins, towns, and national/state parks to explore   speaking of retirement , there's some paperwork i need to complete and return    let me get to that right now   everyone have a great day or evening   truly "may the force be with you"....

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Bruce Springsteen

lightning cloud animated gifas you can see the weather is wet but feels Great!   smells great too  ....well i put on Bruce's cds and i'm wondering what was it i was listening to the last time that i thought it was too hard    there's none of that on these 2 cds   it's great music!   my meds may have been off, therefore i'm unable to listen to certain sounds in music   well now for sure i'm headed to the music store this weekend for more Bruce   i need to listen to him more often   i'll check out some other rock as well    anyone have any suggestions, please do....i'm happy today    feels good to relax....


cats eyes animated gif  although they say these are cats eyes, they remind me of wolves   i love wolves and bears and eagles   i have wolves and eagles at the moment as the decor for my living room   I AM a Nature person and all of it's natural beauty including the wildlife, or should i say especially the wildlife   i fell in Love with it all at age 13 when my father tooks us to the Great Smoky Mtns   even got to see Bear on the roadside   all of that Love was re-ignited when i was stationed in Washington state   Aside from my dogs, that is the best Love i've ever had i believe   anyways, you may understand my need and heart felt desire to move back to the mtns   i'll get there and until i do, think i'll head there at least every other sunday the meantime, back in the city....went to the doc this morn   i definitely had a virus   it's already beginning to clear up   was informed to stay home from work and hydrate myself some more before returning to the heat   i hadn't even thought of that although i'm already dehydrated   so that will be my day and piddling around the house while listening to music   i'm actually in a creative mood, so must find something creative to do sometime today   i will also finish my book, 'A Return to Love' by Marianne Williamson   only have one chapter left   then i can move onto another book   maybe adventure this time.....well take care....laterz

pulp fiction

well i finally saw this movie, 'pulp fiction' last nite   maybe it was my mood or something, but it didn't stand out to me as i remembered all the hype to it    o well   think my movie tastes have changed somewhat    nowadays i just desire to see pure entertainment that doesn't require one to think   anyways, it didn't cost me a dime to see this movie   it was on cable tv and i stumbled on it   ...i started feelin better too about 9pm last nite  almost fully recovered so now i wonder if i should stay home one more day or go ahead to work   will let the doc decide that this morn  ....well i picked up my new futon covers  i love 'em   a little darker than i remembered, but still great   more of a chocolate cover  plus i love that they're water repellent   will be much easier to keep clean with all my dogs' hair too  just a wipe with a damp towel  ...i actually sat on my couch last nite to watch the movie   it was very relaxing, but before that i was watching CMT , a country music video station    they played one of Bruce Springsteen's videos   it was very good and i remembered how beautiful that man is   he definitely has Soul   i don't listen to him much and some of his music is to hard rock for me, but i still enjoy most of his music   it's been a looong time since seeing him   will now need to get his latest cd   i only have 2 as it is, but need to add more to my music collection   one day i hope to catch up my music collection to the same number of books i have, over a hundred   it was very relaxing to sit and watch and listen to the videos yesterday   just what i needed  usually it's the radio or my own cds i listen to   need to do more CMT and get up to date on the latest music  music heals the Soul   great relaxer too.....well i'm off to catch up on my journal alerts waiting to be read   have a great one   cya laterz!

p.s.  i miss being in school....

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


ok i make it to work this morn only to soon thereafter become ill   i think i have the crud but won't know for sure till manana   i do have an apptment with the doc   i can't seem to figure if it's stress or the crud   i came home from work and even after a nap i'm still dizzy    so i'm hopin i at least get to the store for some jello which is the only thing that sounds tasty right now   will wait a smidgens longer before i take that the meantime i finally made  a decision regarding the mtns   i owe it to myself to at least try livin in the mtns again   so i'm goin' to rent up there before buying land and placing a home   this will let me test the 'isolation' theory   well it isn't really a theory   it is THE reason i moved down from the mtns 6years ago, but i'm inclined to think that had more to do with my illness and the state i was in than anything else  i'm optimistic, hopeful, yet scared of the idea of moving back there  i won't go near where i lived before   i've already checked out that situation and it triggers too many memories from my illness   plus i'd rather be closer to the mtn itself in lieu of more plateau and country   so soon i'll be off to discover what's available out there   i had already made a phone call a few weeks ago and know of one place   so i'm excited and scared and excited   but one more thing that's required before i move up there and that is to be able to have my aol connection   i have lots of aol buddies to chat with and i love my j-landers and adding entries to my journal   i love all the connections   so i will be checkin it all out for sure   anyways, i'll keep you posted on everything and when i'll be movin   not sure of when that will happen    hopefully it'll be sooner than later    delivering by the base of the mountain this past week has done me great wonders   so i know i need to be at least there....well i just got a call from the Futons place  my new covers are in and i'm headed for jello....take care ya'll      

Sunday, June 12, 2005


   kewl animation i just found   this is my fav cartoon and i have him tattooed on my right leg....just had to put him in here     i get a laugh everytime....killin' time when i should be doing something else...


affirmation from church today:  I live with assurance  I know that God is expressing as me, guiding my every step, smoothing the path before me.  I walk my path with pride and humility.  Divinely guided and sustained, I live with assurance....and so it is

well that about sums up my life at the moment.   i had forgotten about the lessons of humility and it is present right now, this moment, due to my home and vehicle situation   i will humble myself to whatever will come   i experienced so much humbleness from my experience with my illness i was hopin i wouldn't have to do it again...wrong...that's ok   i will be fine and swallow my pride, which i didn't know i had any left, and take what may come    i will grow with grace, integrity and humility   goodness in life...

here comes the rain

blitz02   here comes the rain, and i'm fallin for you   like the rain i'm fallin for you....came out of the movie last nite, Sahara,  and it was lightening beautiful and the rain  smelled sooo good  refreshing to the soul   thought it was going to do this all day today, but apparently the storm moved on   the storms out west are sooo beautiful in their thunderous selves   it's electric, moving and grand to watch lightening striking all across the skies   and it isn't just one strike here and there   they strike miles across the land   it was just as wonderful to watch as i sat with Cindy having coffee at Whataburger's   the movie was Great!  it was showing at the dollar movie and i had forgotten about seeing it   haven't seen a good flick in quite awhiles   definitely worth seeing again and owning once it's out on DVD or VHS    still need to buy that DVD player  in time   not really pressing, but may be helpful once i start watchin movies again   i go thru spurts, then it's back to my books....anyways, in the meantime i think i've come up with a compromise about moving to the mountains   as kathleen my therapist reminded me, i moved down from there because of isolation   granted i think my illness was my main downfall for that, but i don't want to isolate myself again   i'm torn actually  but what i did creatively think of was moving to the base of the mountain over next to where i work   that's the east side of town   that would give me that fresh mountain air i so desperately need for my Soul as well as easy access to trails headed up into the mountains   i would be reminded constantly of their grandeur presence and be in the mountains more often   the other upside would be Cindy being down the street from me so to speak   my heart aches for my mountains, yet i must be wise   got i miss them   maybe if i get a man sooner than later and we could move up there   i'm saying a prayer for guidance and i'll be on my way somewhere, some place with the mountains...speaking of prayer, i need to get ready for church   it's been a long while since going    i'm excited, nervous, just plain anxious about going   for some reason i still have mixed feelings about going to church at times   probably residue left over from my illness actually, but it doesn't make it any easier   as much as my spirituality was mixed in with my psychosis, the scars remain   hopefully one day will come that church and my spiritual journey will not be triggers of old i'm off   everyone have a great sunday!

Saturday, June 11, 2005

saturday 6

1. When was the last time you looked your significant other in the eye and told him or her how much they mean to you?   don't have a significant other

2. Which business do you have the longest continuous relationship with:  your bank, your auto insurance provider, your home telephone provider, your cellular phone provider, or your cable company?  How long have you been with them?  my insurance company   been with them for about 20yrs

3. What is the most embarrassing question you've ever been asked? too long ago to remember...

4. You have the ability to snap your fingers and be instantly transported to one of three places whenever you wish to go there.  Which three places would you select as your destinations?  Grand Canyon, North Cascades Hwy in WA, Alaska

5. Last week, the Reader's Choice question asked you to identify your favorite movie line.  Later this month, the American Film Institute will list the 100 Greatest Movie Lines of all time.  Which one do you expect to win? May the Force be with you - Star Wars

6. You are given the gift of an original oil painting by any famous artist.  What painting would you choose and why?   not sure his is oil paintings, but i love Gordon Snidow's works   i love his portrayals of Cowgirls   their beautiful and unique


Friday, June 10, 2005

bad day...sorta

hell of a day today at work   i could not for the life of me get in the rhythm on the route i was delivering   i kept misdelivering but i know it had to do with the 4 bundles i was working out of    i'm accustomed to 3bundles and walking   this was 4 bundles and driving   i really didn't know this route which didn't help   plus with the additions to it, it was loooong   i was moody today too which only irritated the hell out of me   easily set off over stupid crap   but once i was finished with the route, i finally relaxed   i had noticed i  was startin to relax about an hour before completing delivery   so then i come in the office and i hear we were 10 routes down today and it will be 12  manana-ugh   what that means, is we don't have those routes covered with carriers and we have to split them out among everyone to deliver   at least 7 of those routes are people on vacation   so the remaining were either sick calls, one for danny, and whatever other reasons like injuries or such    we are always short of people as it is and the summer is worse because it's vacation time   i must  watch my hours for sure   this will be the time when they mandate working overtime although you're not on the list  it can be brutal   but i will keep me healthy inspite of it all now for tonight, i think i'll curl up with a book and save house cleaning for sunday   it'll be another long day manana, but then i'm off for a day    i love sundays!   now that i'm not in school, i can also do some home projects, spring cleaning, photography and a little bit of traveling   going to take off on day trips i believe and go places in this state i have yet to discover   first road trip may be jul 3-5  i'm off all those 3days   i've got a plan up my sleeve   i'm saying my prayers all goes well between now and then and i'm off (unless i the money comes in for me to fly back to Ohio and see the family)   i'm goin' to be chillin' a lot for now    happy trails ahead.....

p.s.  i'm still thinking about the move to the mtns especially after my chat with kathleen yesterday...i will keep you heart says yeah, but i need to use my head in this decision too...

school's out

ok  i know, i just wrote an entry about beginning class again    well yesterday i saw my therapist finally    (she is well, thank God)    we discuss school and me moving to the mountains   she felt strongly about me taking a break from school   she says i take on too much sometimes   my reply, i used to be able to manage it all   well nowadays i know i need not do as much and i'm not able to take on as much due to my blues  so i thought about what kathleen had to say about school then called the school counselor   we decided for sure that i'd take off about 6months   it may not be that long for i'm praying my medical retirement will be in effect before then and then i'm immediately back in school   school is like a 20hr parttime job and i must stick to 40hrs of work only per week    i haven't totally done that yet    so right now, i'm going to taper off the work hours again, and rest   it'll give me time to work on some personal things as well and read all the books i have purchased    i need the r & r right now   i'll have a fun summer   take road trips and shoot photos   but i will be back in school ASAP!!!

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

school's in...

just a note....i started school again yesterday officially so i must get on the move with it   so the next few nights i'll be studying and may not be able to add an entry  maybe after my studies...but i'm ready for the focus on it   ready for the class   ready for another adventure   so if i don't see you soon, i'll be back before you know it...take care   i'll be in touch.


good mornin everyone    it is the quiet of the morn and i'm sitting enjoying the solitude   i notice i'm confident today that all will be fine   i'm ready for life challenges again and have the drive for them   i haven't felt so energized in such a long time   sometimes i know we can get in a rut and i think i've been in one or two or.....anyways,  today is a new beginning or so i feel  a fresh start  a new step another step on my journey in life   i'm feeling these changes are new sparks in my life   starting the ignition to the engine in my soul  i'm lookin forward to the road trip  i'm determined and focused   maybe this is all i needed for my return to complete happiness again   Life is Good despite the struggles   i'm Alive!.....

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Star Wars Episode III

finally,  tonight i saw this movie tonight    ok it was a great movie, i remembered from the last movie, it doesn't do what it used to for me   great special effects   i Love Yoda and Chewy    Yoda had one particular scene i thoroughly enjoyed tonight   Chewy was there with more Chewys and it was a great story line   i think i've out grown it or something    anyways, i'd still recommend it   i went to relax and have nothing on my mind tonight   it took care of that...but before the movie, the Women's College World Series pumped me up really good   it was a great ballgame even though i didn't finish it   without lookin for the score at the moment, i'm pretty sure the final championship game will be played tomorrow    i'll put it on once home from work and while beginning my studies for a new class    i'm anxious to get back to work tomorrow and begin my studies   stability and consistancy in my life will do me wonders right now   one step at a time (thanks Jimmy), one day at a time    i know in my heart all will be fantastic in the coming months   when i do move to the mountains, i sure hope i do have internet and aol access so i can continue this journal and all my connections here   i'll keep everyone posted....well for now, it's time for my glass of milk and hittin the sack   early rise in the mornin...take care   until another day....   thought for the day:

                                  O Soul of Mine, Look Out and See

O Soul of mine, look out and see; look up and know Thy freedom.  Be not cast down nor dismayed; be uplifted within me and exult, for Thy Salvation has come.  Behold the wonders of the Great Whole and the marvels of the Universe.  Look out and see Thy good.  It is not afar off, but is at hand.  Prepare Thyself to accept and believe; to know and live.  Let Life enter and live through Thee, Soul of mine, and rejoice that Thou hast vision so fair and so complete.  Rejoice that the Perfect Whole is so completely relfected through Thee.

                                 My light has come.

Change the seasons   Change is definitely here   though it will be initially a struggle, the journey will be worth it   i resolved one of my problems forementioned in another entry today    my vehicle problem is resolved   and with it may too my house    but momentarily i'm happy for it's one step in the right direction    thank you Dona about your comment on change and butterflies   you are so right!

Monday, June 6, 2005

A Rose for the Day

although not a rosey day, i like this rose pic...i need a tidbit of cheering up, but mostly i'm doing ok   after having such a wonderful day yesterday, struggles arrived at my door step this morn   now i will need to allow the remainder of the week to unfold so i know my next steps   i've said my prayers and am optimistic that all will be just as it should be...hurry up friday.....

a couple of quotes that will get me thru this week    if you need 'em use 'em or save 'em for that raining day....

Far better it is to dare mighty things, To win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory or defeat.  - Theodore Roosevelt

Some trails are happy ones;  others are blue.  Its the way you ride the trail that counts.  Here's a happy one for you...Dale Evans

Sunday, June 5, 2005

i need

i need coffee....after being in the mtns today, i'm ready for bed at 8pm, lol   i feel nature all over my face, but it's too early for bed    so i thought i'd post another photo   this is in the Arches National Park   the individual posing is my baby sister   she looks nothing like me and she's much taller than me, or the rest of us except dad    ....anyways, i've definitely decided to move back to the mountains, if i didn't mention this already   i'm excited   now the question is when   previous plans A, B, &C have changed  i will first start with this week being over   a couple cards should play out and open up the direction better as to what my next steps will be   the only way i won't go back there would be if my therapist is strongly against it, but the last time we briefly talked about it a few months ago, she didn't seem to think it was a bad idea   i know what to do with when depressed  it's only the really, extremely bad days that the only place good is cuddling with my dogs and that can be in any home...i'm higher than a kite right now despite being sleepy   and NO it's NOT drugs    it's a all NATURAL high i get anytime i'm in the mountains   High on Life!  high on the fresh mtn air, the pine and evergreen scents, the birds singing & playing, the clouds adrift in their pillowy soft cotton swabs, wood burning and all the high i get from being out there  words fall short   i've been getting naturally high since i moved to washington state and fell in love with the mtns there   why people need drugs is beyond me   nature is free also   just get out in it!   ...and while i'm thinking of it   from the bottom of my heart thank you all j-landers who support my journal and me   i'm sooo happy Gina introduced me to j-land awhiles back   i look forward to all your journals and your comments in mine   you all are truly great people   your support does me wonders   thanks a tons! for my coffee   i have a couple things to do before hitting the sack....laterz

Saturday 6

1. Who is the last performer you saw live in concert?  What is the last film you saw at a theater?  Which was more worth the money you paid?  last performer: Martina McBride   last film:  can't remember...which one worth more:   always a live concert!

2. What do you do more of in a typical day:  work, sleep, eat, exercise. watch TV, surf the web?  all the above except watch tv often   i get my 10mile hike at work which covers everything but the web...

3. Your office brings in a new drink machine and it's your job to fill the eight selection slots.  What drinks (non-alcholic, of course) do you select?  Coca-Cola, Coca-Cola, water, fruit juices, Sprite or 7-UP

4. Take the quiz: 
What is your expression number?   Do you agree with the description it gives you?  What do you disagree with most?   my number is 1...well they got me partly right:  original, natural capacity for leadership, assertive & straight forward, self-confident, self-reliant, reaches for the sky with potential to reach the other parts i disagree with:  skills to be a top executive, self-centered a bit, and having a strong dominant streak pushing others away at times= does not apply....

5. Counting all light fixtures and lamps in your home, how many bulbs do you have in place, and how many of them are on right now?   none on....about 15

Laura: What is your favorite movie line ever and why?   May the force be with speaks for itself.

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heaven can't wait

just back from the mountains   what a day!   i first drove to where i used to live up there, almost, not quite all the way   then i went paper hunting and also stopped at a realtor's place   they gave me some numbers for those who are into rental management  none of those offices were open today so i'm calling first thing in the morn   i also drove around a bit and realized this is where i need to be  back in the mountains   this is who i am   my place my mountains   next i headed to the the Peak, Sandia Peak, 10687 ft high   had my numbers transposed so thought it was higher   anyways, on the way up there a lot of bicyclists were trekking up & down   i forgot they do this on sundays, but as i reached close to the top there was an event going on for them   there were a significant number of women too which i was happy to see  so i got to the top and hobbled in on my crutches to the gift shop   i love that gift shop  they have tons of neat stuff up there and today i bought a necklace of silver and leather    i also had lunch  black angus hamburger with the works  delicious!  o yes with some great fries too!   but food is always much better while in the mtns or soon thereafter   that fresh mountain air enhances your senses big time and really gives you an appetite too  the rewards of fresh mountain air  nothing like it   so after lunch i hobble back to my truck, pick up my camera and my sweatshirt   the sweatshirt was twofold   one the air was cool as air conditioning   awesome!  only air conditioning i like   and i needed the extra padding under my pits for those dagnabit crutches    so i ascend and descend the stairs there to get to the crest more   here a layer of rocks covers the edge of the mountain and whence i sit   it is sooo soothing while feeeling that breeze across your face with the warm of the sun too  great combination   i took some photos too for everyone laterz    the view is breath taking  so i'm curled up in my rock enjoying the moment but those damn pesty flies are buzzin everywhere   can't stand flies  don't know how horses do it with them pesty things around all the time   so after awhile, i head down the mtn   on the way down i stop at Tinkertown Museum   it's a great little's a link.....  ......this guy tinkered this whole museum   the displays are of miniature wood carvings of an old miner's town back in the day with horse and buggy as well as a circus and other town setups   blacksmith, miner's store, saloon, etc    the buildings, the people, the animals, everything in it is carved by hand, painted and/or clothed looking like doll houses with great detail everywhere   the building in which it sits is made of glass bottles,   yep glass bottles    it's a quaint little place plus there was the fortune teller, which is why i really stopped   you know the fortune teller in the movie "BIG'?   well they have one,  so i had my fortune told with 25 cents    this is what Grandma's Prophecies said:   'Beware of Friday the 13th  That's your unlucky day  Whenever it rolls around Bolt the doors and indoors stay............You are meticulous in your habits and that has brought happiness to you and those about you.  You have a fine mind and though you haven't had much formal education you have developed your brain to a great extent.  You are extremely devoted to your family and would let no stone go unturned if you could help your friends.  People appreicate your good nature, and your true friends are legion.  Your generosity has become a by-word amongst your friends.  Don't overdo it.

except for a couple items, this fits to a T    what delight!....and that was my trip to the mtns   Heaven, my heaven, can't wait!


last nite i couldn't fall asleep right away   I REMEMBERED more of my happy times out in the mountains   so now, i'm seriously considering the possibility   i've left a message with my therapist so we can talk about the pros and cons relating to my illness...I was sooo happy out there and my spirit is begining to soar again just thinking about it   i'm definitely headed to the mountains and will pick up a Quick Quarter and/or Thrifty Nickel to find a place to live   that's how i found my house out there before   i already picked up a sunday journal here in the city   how can you beat the memories  especially like the squirrel getting stuck so to speak between my house and porch   i came home with groceries and kept hearing some major chattering   well i found the squirrel   so i tried budging it out with a broom handle, ever so gently, but no so luck    ok so i thought it was my dogs, put them in the house   tried the broom again, no luck   ok i put my cats in the house   well damn if that squirrel didn't come out from the porch then just sat there and smiled at me   it didn't run from me   just sat there next to the porch    i told it had til morning to get movin on and not to go under my house through crawl hole   i'd be closing that up again   went in the house and by mornin it was gone    there's so much adventures just in nature playing out it's scenario    and the coyotes have their own special howl i remembered   sorta like howlin and yelpin together   beautiful music   O God  mountains here i come    for now, coffee and searchin the paper    have a great day yall!

Saturday, June 4, 2005

evening w/Cindy

well it's 11pm and i'm finally getting home, and No i wasn't at work all this time:-)     cindy called me first thing this morn and asked that we meet for dinner   OF COURSE!!!   this would be our first time to spend time since reuniting a couple weeks ago....but first,   i sprang my ankle today and the job sent me to the emergency room   i just sprang my left ankle 2 days ago, went home elevated it and iced it   was fine   today it was the right ankle   i went and bought an ankle brace for it, delivered some more mail, took a couple aspirin but still in pain after awhile   so i felt it would be best to get off it and not finish my 10 1/2mile hike for the day   well mgmnt decided to play hardball this time and sent me to the doc   they splintered it and put me on crutches for a few days   i froze my butt off in the emergency room with the air conditioning as usual   i hate air conditioning   didn't think i'd be long so i didn't take my sweatshirt in with me   i know everyone thinks i'm crazy carrying a sweatshirt around in the middle of summer, But...except for my tummy, i'm all muscle which doesn't keep me warm...anyways 8pm i'm finally meeting up with Cindy for dinner, monkey suit and all    so off we went to Scarpas...i'm getting ahead of myself...while in the emerg room waiting for the splint and crutches i remember a little more of myself before my illness thanks to Cindy    I was a Free Spirit   actually I still AM, but haven't felt it in awhile   i lived in the mtns before/during my illness and was happy   Cindy told me so tonight    i couldn't remember   I hung out with Cindy alot before my illness, not Tjnya    God I've missed Cindy alot   I realized this tonight    we chatted about the new men our lives, the past a bit, and just life just like the good old days   i realized a couple weeks ago, i am totally relaxed when i'm with her   i can totally be Me!   she's been the missing piece of the puzzle, besides my free spirit in my life   just couldn't damn remember  Maturity is a factor here too  always has been with her   anyways,   i asked if it was a good idea for me to move back to the mtns   i miss it terribly sometimes   as we both know i must factor in my illness   it is actually the only hold up for me   and if i stay in town, which i think is the wisest choice, then i must get out there more often than i do now   i must rekindle my spirit with nature   although i go to church and love what the people and teachings there do for me, it's still being out in nature which feeds my Soul   i can't explain in words   words actually limit the expression of how i feel   i feel One with Life , with all life   so much more Alive,  important yet in perspective that i am just a small part of all life   breathing, touching, feeling the Life force within me  creating, unfolding, all that's within me and that oneness with God    this is where i feel God's unconditional Love the most and see the beauty that has been created all around us....ok i'm going to the mtns manana   i'm looooong overdue....anyways, back to Cindy   it's sooo great to have her back in my life   i have missed her   she said we spent alot of time together before i got ill   we talked a bit about my illness too   she did see me in some of that  and it was my illness that took me in another direction away from her   i told her i have missed her even though i didn't realize it  just by being ourselves and friends to one another, we supported one another through our ordeals in life  she restored my memory on some of the times we spent together  it was great to remember   i asked her how was i before my illness, she said just as i am now   this was very good to know   i was happy then   i desire to be happy again as much as i can be   i am at a crossroads, but will be wise with my journey   as much as my heart aches to be in the mtns again, i came home and my kids reminded me that where i am now is home now   i don't know i could take these kids out to the mtns   these are 'city' dogs accustom to the noises of neighbors and confined spaces   in the mtns there is the wild   the coyotes howling   the owls scooping up prey   skunks scenting the air and so much more...well o second thought, maybe they could adjust, LOL      my spirit will be free again, maybe it is more so than i've recognized lately    i will make a note and keep checking that it is Free....thank you God for Cindy Gonzales my friend.....