Monday, December 27, 2004

happy holidays '04

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year to all and to all a good year...tis the monday after christmas and i feel i have all kinds of time on my hands even worked some overtime today the day moved at a snails pace yet it was good for reflecting a beautiful sunset again here in new mexico i'v not known any other beautiful sunsets like here each unique in their settings ...anyways, at the moment im chilled, rested i feel, ready for a new year, a new beginning the major stress is over at the p.o.   christmas pkgs and cards have come and gone except for a few stragglers    now it will be the normal stress of the job   what a relief!  a few days i'm beginning an online school program to finish my bachelor's degree    finally feel i'm at the point i can finish school at last    i'm hopeful, optimistic, and ready to go for it    this will be my last attempt    as long as my short term memory loss doesn't hurt me too much, i'll be finished with my degree in criminal justice in about 15 months    i'm going to give it all i've got    every spare minute i have when not working, aside from church too   it's an accelerated program which concerns me    i'll be taking 2 classes at a time in lieu of one which was my first impression    well i'm giving it my best shot    have nothing to lose but money    and i need to face my fear regarding what my brain can do now that my medications have been determined and settled    face my fear that my brain literally may not be able to retain the information and accept that if that turns out to be the case    no matter what happens, i'm ready for the answers to my capabilities now    i have to give it all before i give up on it totally    i'm saying a prayer and keeping my fingers crossed     i'll know soon......

Monday, November 29, 2004


snowflakes falling, even as little as they are, for we don't get much snow in, thanksgiving has come and gone and soon it will be christmas...but for now, i'd like to take this journal in another direction at the moment-my depression and work one supervisor i have expects me to be normal in life and there just isn't anyway to do that anymore since my mental illness although the psychotic side is under control, i struggle with depression often i have a chemical imbalance in my brain which creates my depressive state    my supervisor seems to think it's like her depression she experienced, about life and the job, but as anyone who knows chemical imbalances are not the same as situational life depression   i've always described it as a light switch turning on and off in my brain when i get depressed   feels like a electrical current running thru my brain for a moment, literally, and then i'm depressed   i can be depressed for as little as 24hrs and up to a week or longer sometimes   and blues just don't go away by 'cheering up'    alot of the times i can still be happy, laughing, sunnyside up, while feeling the blues, but i have my days when that's not the case at all    nothing i do helps the depression when i'm really blue   it's debilitating   there are days all i can do is curl up with my dogs for some nurturing   that is the only thing that works   although i know its only temporary for those days, it feels like a lifetime for the whole day   quite frankly it sucks BIG time   it's really undescribable and wouldn't wish it on anyone   you just lay in bed all day or do little as possible   no motivation, no will power, no zest, nothing    as i said, it's debilitating    ....i am thankful to be alive and well, and my illness has taught me appreciation of life like nothing else has    so much we take for granted being 'normal'     so i enjoy every moment, every day, as much as i can    there is only NOW in life     yesterday is gone and tomorrow really never comes     take each day to smell the flowers, hugs your kids, or just embrace life with all the love you have.......

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

My Old Friend

'My Old Friend' is actually a song on Tim McGraw's latest cd   talks about what's really important   laughter and tears and ol memories of a friend who's gone     i have an ol friend who's dying of cancer   we clashed monday night i haven't heard from him since    i've only known him a short time, but he's a wonderful man   but what do i know about dying   my life continues on while he suffers from his cancer    what do i know what to say to him really?   does anyone know?    i had know idea how difficult it is to deal with a dying man til i met my ol friend.    i carry hope for him, but is that enough?   is it right to do so?   am i ignoring the inevitable and making it worse for him?    i'm lost for words, for right action towards him.    i miss him.    nothing will take away the time we've had together    nothing will replace him     my ol friend....

Friday, October 29, 2004


I AM THERE     by James Dillet Freeman            Do you need Me?  I am there.  You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.  You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.   You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.  I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.    I am at work, though you do not recognize My works.   I am not strange visions.   I am not mysteries.  Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know Me as I am, and then but as a feeling and a faith.   Yet I am there   Yet I hear.   Yet I answer.   When you need Me, I am there.   Even if you deny Me, I am there.   Even when you feel most alone, I am there.    Even in your fears, I am there.   Even in your pain, I am there.  I am there when you pray and when you do not pray   I am in you, and you are in Me.   Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine."   Yet only in your mind can you know Me and experience Me.   Empty your heart of empty fears.    When you get out of the way, I am there.   You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.  And I am in all.  Though you may not see the good, good is there, for I am there.    I am there because I have to be, because I am.   Only in Me does the world have meaning;  only out of Me does the world take form; only because of Me does the world go forward.  I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of living cells are founded.  I am the love that is the law's fulfilling.   I am assurance.   I am peace.   I am oneness.  I am the law that you can live by.   I am the love that you can cling to.  I am your assurance.   I am your peace.   I am one with you.   I am.   Though you fail to find Me, I do not fail you.  Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you never wavers, because I know you, because I love you.    Beloved, I am there.

i thought the above poem would be helpful to some    i couldn't get it written in poem form, so i copied it as such.    bless you all..





friday night   all is not well with me yet i am ok    just before leaving work today, i began to cry suddenly for no apparent reason   several hours later and i'm still in tears    it's either menopausal or just my depression that i deal with    my blues i call them   regardless i hate being depressed anymore for any length of time   i don't wish a mental illness on anyone for any reason   it's a hell of its own but i get thru it    right now i want this to pass quickly    have some important things to get done this weekend and it's halloween    need to be spooky for the kids this weekend    spooky for my boss too    God Bless all those with a disability!......put my music on,   this lifts my spirit in the midst of the blues   i can still fly while depressed and get high on life thru music     thank you God for all the wonderful things you have created or allowed us to create in our world, like music     I am more ALIVE for it!!!

Thursday, October 21, 2004


I voted last night early here in new mexico everyone should vote if you don't vote then you have no right to belly-ache about our president, whoever he may be so get out and VOTE! last night was the first time i could vote in about 8 years it felt soooo great ! reminded of my freedom , our democracy and our rights under the constitution of the united states we take so much for granted in being an American be grateful for what we have there are still alot of countries without freedom to be as we are, including voting     if you ever get a chance, visit a foreign country    then you will realize and be thankful for our country and our way of life    i have 2 co-workers just return from serving in iraq,  they risked it all for us   God Bless Our Troops    .......VOTE!~

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Come, and Let Me Heal You

Come and I will heal you.
The inner power of Life within me is God,
And God has all power.
I will heal and help all who come to me.
I know that the realization of Life and Love within me heals all who come into Its presence.
I silently bless all who enter my atmosphere.
It is not I, but the Father Who dwelleth in me, He doeth the works.

sunday morn all is quiet the streets, no music with a cloudy day hovering it is such joy to sit in peace to collect one's thoughts or reflect on one's life or simply to embrace the solitude of such a morn thank you god for a wonderful blessing thank you for my life it's great to be alive and surrounded by my kids, 5 dogs i woke this morn with 4 of my kids surrounded me in my bed they are great bed warmers and great for cuddling too so i lay there for awhile enjoying those precious moments    sometimes i just don't enjoy my kids enough    come home too tired and grumpy from work   they tolerate me and still give me unconditional love no matter what     if only more humans could do the same   Life is Good    now if i can only focus more on the positives than the negatives in my life , it could be great     but there's always room for improvement in my life so i strive to be better for myself and others    in the meantime,  my broken toe is getting better   almost at 100% now    one more week and i'll be able to return to my walking route    i've missed my 10mile a day hike delivering the mail   i've missed my customers     delivering apartment complexes the past couple weeks has been really boring     you don't see hardly anyone , just the mail boxes      i may even try later this week to walk my route if my toe feels better as time passes by    do it on  a 'light' day but not sure it will be light since i saw tons of bulk business mail backed up on my route yesterday    as long as the load isn't too heavy the first day i go back to my route    anyways,  i can't wait to get back to it.....well you have a great day everyone    ...more soon

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

it's tues and i should be at work it 's the day after the holiday and i had little sleep last night prolonging my wake up time this morn i screwed up i should be at work but i know things will be ok somehow someway i will say a prayer........james made it thru surgery yesterday came home that afternoon although only knowing him for a short time now, i'm am already about the ups and downs that comes with someone who has cancer it's a roller coaster ride but love will endure it all    i can endure it    i went shopping yesterday morn for one cd, dan fogelberg, only to come home with 3 cds, one of which is a double live set   and i didn't get any of dan'     next time he's in surgery, i'll do something else in lieu of shopping like go to the gym     what a workout....james lives in houston tx, and i'm in abq, nm     we met online    he initiated a chat and we've been chatting ever since    my heart went out to him and i learned he desperately needed someone to confide in    to lean on   so i am that person    we've gotten a little romantically involved but we have yet to meet     we also know we may not ever get together because of the distance between us    only time will tell    i have no regrets being involved with him    he's a wonderful guy    very caring and takes care of everyone,  i mean everyone, but himself first     this is part of the man who he is    it is a part of his values which i have yet to fully understand yet    in time i will     he hopes to come visit me in december for his birthday    it'll be great to see him    i just hope he's healthy enough to make the trip    i love the guy    he's special to me    haven't met anyone like him     and with his doctorate in physics, he's constantly inventing something    working on a patent right now     he also has a 5th degree blackbelt in a martial arts (don't remember the spelling)   i'm in aw of what he has accomplished in life    some of which i have wanted to accomplish like more schooling  (it was all delayed due to my illness)    but i am perservering forward and with james presence in my life , i am inspired even more to complete some more schooling    can hardly wait to meet james in person so i can get to know him more    god willing it will happen    for now enjoy him thru online chats and telephone conversations    little things do count  .....well for now, everyone have a wonderful day and week to come    may all good things come to you for you deserve them......take care.......

Monday, October 11, 2004

worried , very much so, about james today he's in surgery but has complications before surgery even began i pray he makes it thru god bless james god bless everyone with a good life.....all i can think of his james and god bless christopher reeves today in his passing heaven can wait on james.......

Sunday, October 10, 2004

i think i'm in love with Tim McGraw i've always enjoyed his music, but since seeing him in concert this summer i've fallen for the guy his music soothes my soul it brings out the nature in me i'm off to the prairie, the mountains, a canyon or just the plain ol' country when i hear his music his latest cd puts me there in no time brings that ol' home feelin back into my soul nature is my home and i always want to be there feeling the wind kiss my cheek, the sun warm my soul,....the air fillin' my lungs, my dogs running at my feet  and birds singing their hymns setting the beat ....

Saturday, October 9, 2004

october evening

10/9/04    a fall evening   the air is chilled but peace surrounds me in the moonlight night   i came to this place in hopes someone would notice   i love to write   love to journal   so now i have a new home for it   not sure if i will completely reveal myself here, but would like to do just that    i'm alone in life but never alone   i believe on am on my journey in life wherever it takes me or wherever i lead myself    although i enjoy leading my life as i do, i know life has it's own plans    it did so over a decade ago with an serious illness    but i have survived and i LIVE each day as there is no other   not looking far in the future and rarely looking back    i do reflect at times what life has given me and i would have it no other way    for the illness, a mental illness, has giving me Life like nothing else has    ....