beautiful morn

it's a beautiful morn today   i'm sitting reading my book by Marianne Williamson, "A Return to Love"   momentarily my dogs start playing and i sit and watch the wonder of their play   their simplicity in life always moves me and reminds me to do the same they've been playing with a sock of mine that i received for Christmas   i didn't even get to wear it   it's texture is 'fluffy' like that of a stuffed animal, therefore they deemed it as such   it was given to me by a friend who is also a dog lover and works for an animal rescue place    i'll need to tell her that my kids have enjoyed my christmas present, LOL..........today i chose a nurturing day, in lieu of being grumpy all day at work     i'm on edge a bit and just the thought of work created more grumpiness     it isn't really so much work as it is my current supervisor     i don't like when she runs the floor, but then again not many of my co-workers do     she's all S-T-R-E-S-S and attacks us with it      she has her good days, but the stress days seem to out weigh the good      she just started running the floor again this week    our true supervisor was moved out on a detail again    God i wish they would leave her with us forever...............well since sunday, i've been in a spiritual mode     reading Dr. King's autobio, this book and attending my foundations class at church last night,  all i can think about right now is God and my spiritual journey      i recognized again last night that my psychotic adventure stripped me of just about everything about God and my spiritual journey    i could not remember a damn thing for awhile about  God and what that was all about     slowly, thoughts would return to me    not alot of them but enough for me to remember the importance of my spiritual journey     so it's like learning about God all over again     it's been very frustrating    for the past 2yrs, i've really been working out my fears regarding my spiritual journey     it had to do more with my psychotic memories and FEAR than anything else     ya see, i was on my own spiritual journey before my illness took over     all the material i was reading or read before then got mixed in with my psychosis      it created truly irrational thoughts, extremely crazy thoughts, that were untrue and created alot of confusion for me   it created a total disbelief as well regarding spirituality and God    i thought it all was an illusion    Fortunately,  my soul remembered otherwise     i started craving spiritual growth again and therefore i began the steps back to my journey     having a mixed baggage of traditional God feelings and metaphysical perceptions, i first went to a traditional church even though i didn't think it would work for me     i kept an open mind, but the 4th service i attended i realized it would not work for me    their judgment was on people who fornicate and homosexuals    these people are children of God just as the rest of us     anyways, i left there knowing i needed to find somewhere else     a friend suggested 2 other churches and i researched them on the internet     hence, i found the First Church of Religious Science  (no were NOT scientology)     i attended a couple services, but knew on the first visit this was the church for me     however, i didn't continue attending    sooooooooo much FEAR ran through me that i needed a break already     overtime i returned, attending intermittently so i could my fear a break     each break as i returned there was less and less fear      now, last month, almost 2yrs from the initial visit, the fear is all gone    it's taken me THAT long    it's been a loooooooong journey and i'm now 'getting' God again   now i'm ready to forge ahead with this spiritual journey of mine    Thank God........today i will continue this book    i interrupted my reading of Dr. King's bio because i couldn't read it while i was depressed on monday (btw   it was only the 24hr case of the blues which happens once every 4-6weeks and then it's gone)    so this book is smaller and will complete it within a couple days    Life is grand!    Life is so precious!   take time to feel the warmth of the sun, the gentleness of the wind, the song of the bird and know this is God's Loving Presence that surrounds you.....Bless you all!

 

moday blues

just need to chat for a bit tonight  get some frustration off my chest i hope  got the blues again today  almost didn't make it to work, but did  it was a struggling day  i finished my route knowing i had an hour relay on another route to deliver when i got back to the office, it was a different route than i had been informed  o god part 13  the supervisor who is running the floor now i get so easily upset with her  it's comforting knowing i'm not the only carrier to do so  she gets under everyone's skin     her stress spreads to everyone else because she takes it out on us-ugh!     anyways, i was perturbed to say the least about a different relay    it meant i would be out with my flashlight delivering the mail     when this supervisor manages, i'm ready to retire medically in a heart beat    when our other supervisor is around, i feel i can finish til regular retirement     it's like night and day there     they just keep moving the good supervisor elsewhere on detail    wish we had a say in it, but we don't     we're just craft employees    no authority and only a voice thru our union     ......anyways,   getting perturbed today triggered some very old anger from my psychotic days     i'm puzzled as to why it is surfacing right now    i noticed it coming up a little bit last month, but today i exploded     why can't anger swept under a rug, stay there?    not that i intentionally did that, but this is History and i don't think it has anything to do with the moment of now    unless it's related to my frustration with having my blues so damn much      i finally decided this weekend to get to the women's clinic for menopausal assistance    i sure hope hrt helps     i'm sooooooooo tired of the blues      i have an appointment this coming monday    i can't wait      i've waited too long to do this, but i had my reservations about estroven    well now i'm ready to take the risk and do it     as long it helps minimize my depression caused from menopause, then i'll continue     if there's no change, then i'll come off of it and know it's just my chemical imbalance in my brain and live with it     in the meantime, i'm saying a prayer to help my blues go away        Life goes on.......i have things to do, people to see, and places to go         take a hike blues!

reflection

well it's friday evening just past 9  all is quiet in the house  i had the tv on for a little while but curled up to my book on dr. king  i only read for about an hour  his book moves me and really makes me think at times  tonight is one of those moments i find i can only read a little bit of his book at a time  i love the book! between last night 's events and reading his book, i sometimes wonder if i'm not caught up a bit still in the 'races' of the world  i've done my best not to do so yet the race card always haunts me    i was only 10yrs old when dr. king was killed -if i got my dates correct     i lived in a small white town in indiana just outside of the big city of indianapolis     it was all white-actually we were out in the countryside when dr. king died....anyways,  i primarily lived in this small all white town    i really didn't know much about the civil rights movement, but i would soon learn about my father's racial hatred towards blacks    my mother wasn't prejudicial, thank god!    but i was told we could not watch black people on tv while dad was home    a year or two later when desegration of schools was ongoing,  it came out that blacks were thinking of moving to our town   boy did all hell break loose regarding that     dad was not a happy man regarding the situation along with most people in the town as i gathered    fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your perspective, no blacks moved to our town    ( i don't know to this day, if any other 'color' of people have moved into that town)    anyways, i got a small taste of the racial issues from my father and the little bit of news i was allowed to watch, which wasn't much    in my young youth,   i wanted to know what was so 'wrong' with them     well consciously or unconsciously, i made a point to find out     my parents divorced and my mother moved us to the big city of indianapolis and i had my first exposure to 'black' people     well since then and all my travels throughout the states, along with having lovers of different colors (black, hispanic, white, and japanese), i've learned the wonderful colors of all people       each color has their history and rightly so    i do my best to live dr. king's dream    i'm learning he is far more than i could have ever imagined as a person     yet after last night, meeting a guy of another color, i still have more to learn about a different culture-hispanic    i've lived in new mexico for about 17yrs now and i have much more to learn from them    i've been out of touch with life for about a decade or so due to my health problem    for the past couple years i'm getting back into life     i have soooo much more to learn and even within the past 7weeks i'm already changing from within      tonight i was thinking, there is soooo much going on in the world nowadays, or it's really more complex now that i'm an adult    the issues when i was younger seemed to be not as many     now there seems to be toooo many      i'm back in church now, and with my readings with dr. king, i'm moving in a new direction.........within and outside of me

 

Home in Washington

well it's 5pm sunday afternoon almost evening  i've gotten very little done  waiting on my dogs to finish eating before cleaning house  i don't have a big place so it doesn't take me long to clean  it actually takes me longer to get motivated i think than to clean it someitmes........well i talked to my second parents today  no they're not in-laws they are friends i adopted as my second set of parents  Carol & Rich live in Washington state, Spokane actually  they are a little older than my parents    i lived in Spokane in my early 20s for about 4yrs while stationed at Fairchild AFB just outside the city    i met Carol & Rich thru a lover at the time    Carol was the base commander's secretary and eventually became the wing commander's secretary     she, my lover and i would run at lunch time together, running events on base, and the annual Bloomsday running event downtown     once my lover was re-assigned to Germany, Carol & Rich took me into their home all the time     Carol and I began having lunch together several times a week and then i'd spend some time with her and Rich on the weekends    one weekend we even rode our bicycles to Courde'lane Idaho, 30miles one way    had lunch and rode them back    at the time they were in their 40s or maybe even 50     they did great that day   it was a great day    we came home only to top a major hill to their home   it's like hiking up the side of a mountain just by car let alone bicycle    when they would go out of town, i'd stay at thier house and watch their dogs    it was a blast   in a king size bed , me and 3 little dogs slept   but the way the dogs slept you think we were in a twin size bed   one on each side of me and the other at the top of my head     i couldn't move all night   LOL      Washington is beautiful    i fell in love with the place in the 4yrs i was there    i call it Home away from here although i'm originally from indiana     i have not lived in indiana since being in washington and the west for the past 25yrs or so    i'm now a westerner    I Love the west, the wilderness, the mountains, the canyons, the desert and all that it offers in its beauty and terrain    beats cornfields any day by me     and the people are very hospitable      when i think of washington, i get homesick   even after being away from there for 20yrs now    and when i go back to visit, i get extremely homesick     but for now, new mexico is home     i love it here too!    i love the sunshine year round, not like cabin fever in the midst of winter in washington     each state's uniqueness is great .......well my kids bellies are full and they are laying around    now is the time to finish cleaning     ........i'll write more on washington laterz............i decided right after speaking with them today, i'll go back for a visit next year for sure    then i'll try to get back there yearly somehow someway    Rich's health is not the best and i don't want a miss a moment with either of them.

a day late

my house is calling for me to clean it.....but Dr. Martin Luther Kings autobiography speaks louder so the book wins for a little while at least right after i finish this entry...................yesterday was not a bad day, not a great day it was a day  the most important event was my therapist calling me  i left her office monday with a misunderstanding which upset me  anyways she said she might have been having a bad day and we talked it out  later i called her back leaving a message on her voice mail letting her know she can have as many bad days as she needs    she is just as human as the rest of us    i need to remind myself that others have bad days too     she's a great therapist and this is the first time in the 6yrs of seeing her that i've misunderstood her ........today i'm chillin     my cold is still giving me hell  will resupply my vitamin C this weekend     but for right now, i'm ready for more intellectual feeding    so off to my book i go while curled up with my canines......one day soon i hope to figure out how to personalize this journal a bit    will get my online buddy Gina to assist me...........til then    have a good one!

smiling face

good morning i have a few moments to write before headed to work  it's a good morn and i'm feelin great which is really nice after last weeks hellacious week  getting blue can take a little while to snap out of it before back and running like 'normal'  i made it back to work yesterday which did me tremendous good then last night i made it to church class, thank god it was just what i needed didn't think i was going to be able to attend this class session due to my online schooling it was only this past weekend that i made some changes and knew i could attend     i withdrew from the online school i was attending   2 classes at a time with my work schedule was tooo much for me    i found another school, univ of phoenix, which i will only take one class at a time    will be enrolling in it next month i believe    first i must buy a new puter    this one is OLD and broken down    will be worth the investment    well i need to head for work      more soon     have a good day!

miserably blue

i had a really bad week last week with my blues YUK! my boss thought it was bad enough to call the medics and the cops to check on me when i didn't show up for work ya see it's the dagnabit chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my blues nothing else and i hate it tired of these blues i think the wind should come along and take me blues to the desert and play in the sand with it or some mountain atop the trees people don't need be blue most of their life in spite of medication   in the meantime, i'm looking for that parking lot that has brains for trade    ya know like cars, just go in and trade for a new one     i'd sure would like a new brain    keep my memory, my intelligience, my humor, my personality all in tack, just get rid of the chemical imbalance    .....last night i didn't sleep worth a darn   i was awake every two hours   i was sooo anxious inside, also created by that imbalance    thought about getting up and smokin a cig but really didn't want to do so    i was a non-smoker before all of this crap    i only smoke when i'm anxious like this    if it wasn't for the depression and anxiety, i'd be a happy camper all of the time      and when i'm not having these feelings,  i am very happy, mellow, content     life is full of optimism     well today i am optimistic even tho i'm still feeling a bit blue      it's been a hell of a week but i'm fine     got out of the woods yesterday when i went to church     it took the whole service , but my spirit was lifted tremendously     for now, it's hurry up 3pm   i see my therapist my rock for the past 6yrs     she can finish piecing me back together .........i've had some good life come my way recently, but will post that in another journal entry soon        until then I"M FINE.       Life goes on    i have people and places to see , things to do   much to live for             ........take care all