Wednesday, February 9, 2005

beautiful morn

it's a beautiful morn today   i'm sitting reading my book by Marianne Williamson, "A Return to Love"   momentarily my dogs start playing and i sit and watch the wonder of their play   their simplicity in life always moves me and reminds me to do the same they've been playing with a sock of mine that i received for Christmas   i didn't even get to wear it   it's texture is 'fluffy' like that of a stuffed animal, therefore they deemed it as such   it was given to me by a friend who is also a dog lover and works for an animal rescue place    i'll need to tell her that my kids have enjoyed my christmas present, i chose a nurturing day, in lieu of being grumpy all day at work     i'm on edge a bit and just the thought of work created more grumpiness     it isn't really so much work as it is my current supervisor     i don't like when she runs the floor, but then again not many of my co-workers do     she's all S-T-R-E-S-S and attacks us with it      she has her good days, but the stress days seem to out weigh the good      she just started running the floor again this week    our true supervisor was moved out on a detail again    God i wish they would leave her with us forever...............well since sunday, i've been in a spiritual mode     reading Dr. King's autobio, this book and attending my foundations class at church last night,  all i can think about right now is God and my spiritual journey      i recognized again last night that my psychotic adventure stripped me of just about everything about God and my spiritual journey    i could not remember a damn thing for awhile about  God and what that was all about     slowly, thoughts would return to me    not alot of them but enough for me to remember the importance of my spiritual journey     so it's like learning about God all over again     it's been very frustrating    for the past 2yrs, i've really been working out my fears regarding my spiritual journey     it had to do more with my psychotic memories and FEAR than anything else     ya see, i was on my own spiritual journey before my illness took over     all the material i was reading or read before then got mixed in with my psychosis      it created truly irrational thoughts, extremely crazy thoughts, that were untrue and created alot of confusion for me   it created a total disbelief as well regarding spirituality and God    i thought it all was an illusion    Fortunately,  my soul remembered otherwise     i started craving spiritual growth again and therefore i began the steps back to my journey     having a mixed baggage of traditional God feelings and metaphysical perceptions, i first went to a traditional church even though i didn't think it would work for me     i kept an open mind, but the 4th service i attended i realized it would not work for me    their judgment was on people who fornicate and homosexuals    these people are children of God just as the rest of us     anyways, i left there knowing i needed to find somewhere else     a friend suggested 2 other churches and i researched them on the internet     hence, i found the First Church of Religious Science  (no were NOT scientology)     i attended a couple services, but knew on the first visit this was the church for me     however, i didn't continue attending    sooooooooo much FEAR ran through me that i needed a break already     overtime i returned, attending intermittently so i could my fear a break     each break as i returned there was less and less fear      now, last month, almost 2yrs from the initial visit, the fear is all gone    it's taken me THAT long    it's been a loooooooong journey and i'm now 'getting' God again   now i'm ready to forge ahead with this spiritual journey of mine    Thank i will continue this book    i interrupted my reading of Dr. King's bio because i couldn't read it while i was depressed on monday (btw   it was only the 24hr case of the blues which happens once every 4-6weeks and then it's gone)    so this book is smaller and will complete it within a couple days    Life is grand!    Life is so precious!   take time to feel the warmth of the sun, the gentleness of the wind, the song of the bird and know this is God's Loving Presence that surrounds you.....Bless you all!


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