happy holidays '04

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year to all and to all a good year...tis the monday after christmas and i feel i have all kinds of time on my hands even worked some overtime today the day moved at a snails pace yet it was good for reflecting a beautiful sunset again here in new mexico i'v not known any other beautiful sunsets like here each unique in their settings ...anyways, at the moment im chilled, rested i feel, ready for a new year, a new beginning the major stress is over at the p.o.   christmas pkgs and cards have come and gone except for a few stragglers    now it will be the normal stress of the job   what a relief!    ....it  a few days i'm beginning an online school program to finish my bachelor's degree    finally feel i'm at the point i can finish school at last    i'm hopeful, optimistic, and ready to go for it    this will be my last attempt    as long as my short term memory loss doesn't hurt me too much, i'll be finished with my degree in criminal justice in about 15 months    i'm going to give it all i've got    every spare minute i have when not working, aside from church too   it's an accelerated program which concerns me    i'll be taking 2 classes at a time in lieu of one which was my first impression    well i'm giving it my best shot    have nothing to lose but money    and i need to face my fear regarding what my brain can do now that my medications have been determined and settled    face my fear that my brain literally may not be able to retain the information and accept that if that turns out to be the case    no matter what happens, i'm ready for the answers to my capabilities now    i have to give it all before i give up on it totally    i'm saying a prayer and keeping my fingers crossed     i'll know soon......

depression

snowflakes falling, even as little as they are, for we don't get much snow in albuquerque....wow, thanksgiving has come and gone and soon it will be christmas...but for now, i'd like to take this journal in another direction at the moment-my depression and work one supervisor i have expects me to be normal in life and there just isn't anyway to do that anymore since my mental illness although the psychotic side is under control, i struggle with depression often i have a chemical imbalance in my brain which creates my depressive state    my supervisor seems to think it's like her depression she experienced, about life and the job, but as anyone who knows chemical imbalances are not the same as situational life depression   i've always described it as a light switch turning on and off in my brain when i get depressed   feels like a electrical current running thru my brain for a moment, literally, and then i'm depressed   i can be depressed for as little as 24hrs and up to a week or longer sometimes   and blues just don't go away by 'cheering up'    alot of the times i can still be happy, laughing, sunnyside up, while feeling the blues, but i have my days when that's not the case at all    nothing i do helps the depression when i'm really blue   it's debilitating   there are days all i can do is curl up with my dogs for some nurturing   that is the only thing that works   although i know its only temporary for those days, it feels like a lifetime for the whole day   quite frankly it sucks BIG time   it's really undescribable and wouldn't wish it on anyone   you just lay in bed all day or do little as possible   no motivation, no will power, no zest, nothing    as i said, it's debilitating    ....i am thankful to be alive and well, and my illness has taught me appreciation of life like nothing else has    so much we take for granted being 'normal'     so i enjoy every moment, every day, as much as i can    there is only NOW in life     yesterday is gone and tomorrow really never comes     take each day to smell the flowers, hugs your kids, or just embrace life with all the love you have.......

My Old Friend

'My Old Friend' is actually a song on Tim McGraw's latest cd   talks about what's really important   laughter and tears and ol memories of a friend who's gone     i have an ol friend who's dying of cancer   we clashed monday night i haven't heard from him since    i've only known him a short time, but he's a wonderful man   but what do i know about dying   my life continues on while he suffers from his cancer    what do i know what to say to him really?   does anyone know?    i had know idea how difficult it is to deal with a dying man til i met my ol friend.    i carry hope for him, but is that enough?   is it right to do so?   am i ignoring the inevitable and making it worse for him?    i'm lost for words, for right action towards him.    i miss him.    nothing will take away the time we've had together    nothing will replace him     my ol friend....

God

I AM THERE     by James Dillet Freeman            Do you need Me?  I am there.  You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.  You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.   You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.  I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.    I am at work, though you do not recognize My works.   I am not strange visions.   I am not mysteries.  Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know Me as I am, and then but as a feeling and a faith.   Yet I am there   Yet I hear.   Yet I answer.   When you need Me, I am there.   Even if you deny Me, I am there.   Even when you feel most alone, I am there.    Even in your fears, I am there.   Even in your pain, I am there.  I am there when you pray and when you do not pray   I am in you, and you are in Me.   Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine."   Yet only in your mind can you know Me and experience Me.   Empty your heart of empty fears.    When you get out of the way, I am there.   You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.  And I am in all.  Though you may not see the good, good is there, for I am there.    I am there because I have to be, because I am.   Only in Me does the world have meaning;  only out of Me does the world take form; only because of Me does the world go forward.  I am the law on which the movement of the stars and the growth of living cells are founded.  I am the love that is the law's fulfilling.   I am assurance.   I am peace.   I am oneness.  I am the law that you can live by.   I am the love that you can cling to.  I am your assurance.   I am your peace.   I am one with you.   I am.   Though you fail to find Me, I do not fail you.  Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you never wavers, because I know you, because I love you.    Beloved, I am there.

i thought the above poem would be helpful to some    i couldn't get it written in poem form, so i copied it as such.    bless you all..

 

 

 

blue

friday night   all is not well with me yet i am ok    just before leaving work today, i began to cry suddenly for no apparent reason   several hours later and i'm still in tears    it's either menopausal or just my depression that i deal with    my blues i call them   regardless i hate being depressed anymore for any length of time   i don't wish a mental illness on anyone for any reason   it's a hell of its own but i get thru it    right now i want this to pass quickly    have some important things to get done this weekend and it's halloween    need to be spooky for the kids this weekend    spooky for my boss too ...lol    God Bless all those with a disability!......put my music on,   this lifts my spirit in the midst of the blues   i can still fly while depressed and get high on life thru music     thank you God for all the wonderful things you have created or allowed us to create in our world, like music     I am more ALIVE for it!!!

VOTE!

I voted last night early here in new mexico everyone should vote if you don't vote then you have no right to belly-ache about our president, whoever he may be so get out and VOTE! last night was the first time i could vote in about 8 years it felt soooo great ! reminded of my freedom , our democracy and our rights under the constitution of the united states we take so much for granted in being an American be grateful for what we have there are still alot of countries without freedom to be as we are, including voting     if you ever get a chance, visit a foreign country    then you will realize and be thankful for our country and our way of life    i have 2 co-workers just return from serving in iraq,  they risked it all for us   God Bless Our Troops    .......VOTE!~

Come, and Let Me Heal You

Come and I will heal you.
The inner power of Life within me is God,
And God has all power.
I will heal and help all who come to me.
I know that the realization of Life and Love within me heals all who come into Its presence.
I silently bless all who enter my atmosphere.
It is not I, but the Father Who dwelleth in me, He doeth the works.