The Pope....and resentment

I wanted to comment on the new Pope yesterday, but i was waning and not sure i even made sense in my last entry...anyways, i was home yesterday and 'just' happened to turn the tv on right after the announcement of a new pope so for some reason, maybe intrigue, i sat down and awaited for the upcoming event as i listened to the news correspondents and commentators, the question came to mind if the Catholic church is a machine just like the political machine? they were discussing about the 'different' catholics i.e. liberals, conservatives, doctrine traditionals, and it all sounded like politics to me    i do have a bit interest in politics, yet need to learn far more to truly understand it   well it came to me, i have far more to learn about religions besides my own spiritual journey and again i was reminded about my mental illness journey    this is where my resentment comes in   although only extremely small in nature, i do resent in rare moments having my mental illness   it only comes when i remember all the years i could have further educated myself in college and world affairs as i was on that path to begin with before my crazy days hit   now i'm like a babe in the woods again, just beginning the trek all over again with extremely little or no memory of what i learned before those dark cloud days   to me knowledge is power and far out weighs money any days as far as i'm concerned   the more you have knowledge, the better your judgment and critical thinking one can exercise in dealing with life and all the curve balls thrown your way   i feel keepin in touch with politics, others beliefs, and world affairs at least a little assist me in 'knowing' people and our society a little better   these facets remind me of what's out there that will confront me at any given moment   knowing people better will allow me the peace to honor their beliefs and opinions although i may disagree with them   compassion and understanding can go alot farther than anger or discord  ....one finally comment on the Pope    i wasn't happy to hear he had denounced other religions and beliefs   i've heard this from many others along my journey in life, and why is it so important for those to believe their's is THE ONLY WAY or is better?    humans are too complex to really understand i think   yet i may find my answers once i continue my own spiritual journey through the Course of Miracles, the Bible, and other spiritual works including philosophy which is a base in my church.....a mind is a terrible thing to waste...Knowledge is power!....p.s. the Gifts i received from my mental illness far out weigh the slightest resentment and the 'bad' of it so to speak.   I am truly grateful for it actually happening.   it's been a blessing in disguise....

first day of class again

hey everyone, i'm still around. again i had computer problems, and again i 'just' got my notebook back. at least this time i have better insight into the problems and hopefully they're all fixed now. i should have let George do the installs all the other times. he's a computer geek and a guy i dated for a few months (too geek for me), but he's a really nice guy. so now i'm here again, BUT....school is here again. once i get through the first week or two, i should have some time to creatively write again, or at least i hope...i got online tonight to find 245 emails awaiting me.  after clearing out all the junk mail, i began the journey through all the aol journals i keep up with.   i'm still not completed.  Dona had written a minibook since i was offline, lol.  but i enjoyed every entry thus far.  had to comment on 3 of those for sure.   then there are the other journals i had to comment on.  to say the least, i realized i didn't get this journal updated with photos or journals i keep track of due to its glitches.   well maybe in another 5weeks unless i can find some days off from school.  i'll need something to relax me from school.   the beginning of a class, i'm always nervous, excited, scared out of my wits yet determined to get thru it.   tonight i remembered what it was like for over 15yrs ago in college.  i was the same with each new class.   eventually i settle into the groove and trek away in the course.   good thing i have my hiking shoes.  so tonight, i check into class and the sore thumb that sticks out is that the prof does NOT accept any late assignments.  I'm thinking o great!  no flexibility or longitude or latitude or nothing.   i wasn't late last class for any assignments, but i do appreciate the cushion.   stress management is the pits these days.  well guess i need to get out my cigs and beer more this course, lol...anyways, it's great to be back online!  Next to my camera, this is my favorite toy.  o yeah, my 4x4 too!   well til i write again.....God bless....take care! 

a milestone...

a milestone   i've completed one this evening   i completed my foundations class at church and i'm exhilarated! ecstatic!   i am so excited, so much more elated, about completing this one class at church than completing my first class at UOP.   this class did sooo much for me   it brought me back to my spiritual journey once more   after my psychosis i no longer believed in the spiritual world   no longer believed it was real, but that was only my mind speaking   my soul knew better and my soul kept yearning to return to my spiritual journey   back to God   back to my spiritual journey which i trekked before my illness   my psychosis was my psychosis but entwined in it was my spiritual thinking and the delusions it created also created a mess of my beliefs   such irrational thoughts and feelings   reality wasn't what it seemed......but now,   now i am on my journey again, One with God,  whole spiritually no longer filled with holes in my soul, my spirit questioning, doubting, wandering like a lost soul     God it's taken 2years since first stepping into my church to get back to my wholeness spiritually   I am life again   I am ALIVE again!   and God does it feel great to be on the trail again, learning, growing, changing with life again spiritually    each of our paths our unique for God is unique to each of us and words fall far short for description of how I truly feel.....it's good to be Home again   Home a place within myself connected to the Oneness of God, Life, nature and all that is...now i will rest, absorb and process again all that i've learned in the last 13weeks    it's been a wonderful trek these last few months ...and this is really only the beginning  ...alot of questions answered...alot more to learn and grow from...i've met some wonderful people too in this experience who i get to see on sundays , forming new relationships, new friendships.....this is a treasure that will be forever with me...Thank You God...Thank you kbear!  Thank You Rev Patrick and Elke!  Thank you Pod!  and Thank You to all the other wonderful people in this class for sharing!  Life is eternal and so are you!   And so it is...

much to do about nothin'

a short note since it's been a few days or a week   i've lost track of time   my windows program crashed on me again and i just got it reloaded tonight temporarily that is   i'll replace it with a new windows xp program in a couple weeks   because i'm using this one over again which i think is against the rules...o well, this will work for now.....now the good news i've completed one class at UOP this last week, and did fairly well   i'm happy with my A-   i get to start my next UOP class this thursday providing i find a copy of my 2003 tax returns which i have misplaced   i go to the IRS manana for a copy i hope......and in a couple days, tuesday evening, i will be completing my foundations class at church   spent $50 today for my project due in the class on tues   i put some photos together after enlarging them  at the local walmart   i'll have them enlarged from the negatives for my my house in the near future    I love photography and have a talent in it yet i just don't get to do it enough    when i get to retire from the p.o. i'm going to UNM here in abq and get a photography degree   i'd love to have it as a great hobby and maybe a professional photography career   all in time     once i get this computer jiving, i'll put some photos on this journal .....the final entry here is to answer Dona's question about home or where i've lived   Dona is another woman's journal i keep up with   great journal   still need to list other journals i keep up with....anyways,  i was born in KY and we moved to IN when i was 6yrs old and then grew up there   i left when i was 18 1/2yrs joining the Air Force   my journey in military landed me in spokane, wa where i call home away from here abq, nm    i've been in nm for 17yrs now after chasing relationships around the world and back, somewhat literally, then landed in nm......my pitt, charlie brown, is pawing me...i've got to go........

Gone

In struggle we strife  In love we live  yet we are separate only by mind  we journey endlessly  only where do we go?  back whence we came  God eternal  forever living soul    we bicker we fight we disagree  but does it matter? what really matters?  our fabric  our Being  our Essence matches God living in every soul   Life is not the same no more...   I lost a friend  not thru transition  yet gone their own separate way   by thought  belief  some disagreement  between our souls   maybe again one day  we'll meet again   there in God ...forever living...Soul

cc~kbear

a prayer, a meditation for my soul today

I Am Complete in Thee
Almighty God, Everlasting Good, Eternal Spirit, Maker of all things and Keeper of my Life, Thou art All.
Infinte Presence within, in Whom all live; Joy Supreme, flooding all with gladness, I adore Thee.
Eternal Peace, undisturbed and quiet, I feel Thy calm.
O Thou Who dost inhabit Eternity and dost dwell within all Creation, Who Dost live through all things and in all people, hear Thou my prayer.
I would enter Thy gates with you and live at peace in Thy House.                            I would find a resting place in Thee, and in Thy presence live.            Make me to do Thy will and from Thy wisdom teach me the ways of Truth.          Compel me to follow Thee and let me not pursue the paths of mo own counsel.       O Eternal and Blessed Presence, illumine my mind and command my will that my Soul may be refreshed and that my life may be renewed.               As deep cries unto deep, so my thought cries unto Thee and Thou dost answer.        I am renewed and refreshed; my whole being responds to Thy love, and I am complete in Thee.          All my ways are guarded and guided, and I shall live with Thee eternally.     O Lover of my Soul and Keepr of my Spirit, none can separate us, for we are One.          So shall Thy Wisdom guide me, Thy Presence dwell within me, Thy Love keep me and Thy Life envelop me now and forevermore.

I didn't make it to church today due to the time change and the late night, so I turned to my Science of Mind book from our church and found this.....this was much needed today.   Thank you God.  

Bless you all!

 

Ru

I can't believe James called. After all these months, he called! I"m in shock. James, where do i begin with him. I met him online last august. He's a dying man of cancer and lives in TX. We became friends and then lovers via the internet. We chatted online often then by phone. .... I'm still in shock... may have to finish this entry laterz......thought writing here would wear some of the shock off. anyways, he called tonight at 11:30pm. I didn't recognize the number but i'd figure i'd at least tell someone they were calling the wrong number this late at nite.   thank goodness i had just wrapped up my 2000 word paper, almost.   i have most of it done, will finish it manana.   anyways, James.   He calls me Ru.   I haven't heard that in soooo long, since October actually.   He's originally from Australia but his parents moved to albq when he was a kid.   He still has a bit of an  australian accent.  He has his doctorate in physics i believe.   doctor in something.   he's an inventor.   he's been inventing things lately and has patent requests on a couple items from the last i heard.   he's suppose to come into alot of money and wants to leave it with me.   we, i'll wait and see on that.   great thought, but i'll believe it when i see it.   anyways, he got some bad news regarding his cancer around 1nov and took it out on me.   he hadn't spoken to me since.   he was trying to protect me, he's still trying to protect me.   i befriended him initially so as to do whatever i could for a dying man, whatever that may be.   i figure if nothing else, lend him an ear.    anyways, he and i got a little or alot involved although it was long distance.   i gave him the best of me like giving him hope and encouragement and love and friendship and all the positive thinking i could think of and more.   i treated him with dignity and as a human being.   maybe he didn't have much of that in his life.   so anyways, he blows up at me in november and i thought sure i'd never hear from him again.   but the man i knew, would have contacted me again and he did.    i am sooo very happy he has.  i've missed him and the laughs we'vehad.   i was always ruining his bad day, like even tonight, by laughing and melting that anger and edge from him.   he told me he loves me and is in love with me.   he called me Ru again.  o god!   i still love him and care for him, yet i know James a little better now since the blow up.   i just need to accept his desire to 'protect' me although i feel i don't need protection.   life is tough at times and i take the good with the bad and the ugly.   life is about hurt sometimes too, especially with those we care about so much.   i accept that we will hurt the ones we love more than anyone else .   i've learned this lesson.   we don't intentionally do so, but it does happen.   well James has learned alot since 'dumping' me.   he discovered that his 'good friend' wasn't so 'good' after all.   anyways, James seems to be ok, other than the C, right now.  James thinks i shouldn't forgive him and remain angry at him.   i knew when we blew up at each other what he was doing-trying to protect me.   plus he has felt he needed to die alone,   i didn't get that impression tonight.  well, i'm very happy to be in touch with him again.   i have things in perspective about him and i, that we can't ever be together, but that's ok.   i'd still do anything for him.   he's an intelligent, sensitive caring man.  he's always looked out for everyone else but himself.  but that is James.   he said they only gave him about a year, but who knows really.   i don't know.    anyways, before he does make his transition i'd still like to meet him, hold him and tell him i love him.    this was one thing he really wanted before he passed.   such a treasure he could take with him.    anyways, i'll still be here for him.   he's important.    i'll see how things go.   he's pretty stubborn too.    o well,   God bless him.   the funny thing is he's 6'6" and i'm 5'4".   mutt and jeff, lol..........