Saturday, April 2, 2005

Ru

I can't believe James called. After all these months, he called! I"m in shock. James, where do i begin with him. I met him online last august. He's a dying man of cancer and lives in TX. We became friends and then lovers via the internet. We chatted online often then by phone. .... I'm still in shock... may have to finish this entry laterz......thought writing here would wear some of the shock off. anyways, he called tonight at 11:30pm. I didn't recognize the number but i'd figure i'd at least tell someone they were calling the wrong number this late at nite.   thank goodness i had just wrapped up my 2000 word paper, almost.   i have most of it done, will finish it manana.   anyways, James.   He calls me Ru.   I haven't heard that in soooo long, since October actually.   He's originally from Australia but his parents moved to albq when he was a kid.   He still has a bit of an  australian accent.  He has his doctorate in physics i believe.   doctor in something.   he's an inventor.   he's been inventing things lately and has patent requests on a couple items from the last i heard.   he's suppose to come into alot of money and wants to leave it with me.   we, i'll wait and see on that.   great thought, but i'll believe it when i see it.   anyways, he got some bad news regarding his cancer around 1nov and took it out on me.   he hadn't spoken to me since.   he was trying to protect me, he's still trying to protect me.   i befriended him initially so as to do whatever i could for a dying man, whatever that may be.   i figure if nothing else, lend him an ear.    anyways, he and i got a little or alot involved although it was long distance.   i gave him the best of me like giving him hope and encouragement and love and friendship and all the positive thinking i could think of and more.   i treated him with dignity and as a human being.   maybe he didn't have much of that in his life.   so anyways, he blows up at me in november and i thought sure i'd never hear from him again.   but the man i knew, would have contacted me again and he did.    i am sooo very happy he has.  i've missed him and the laughs we'vehad.   i was always ruining his bad day, like even tonight, by laughing and melting that anger and edge from him.   he told me he loves me and is in love with me.   he called me Ru again.  o god!   i still love him and care for him, yet i know James a little better now since the blow up.   i just need to accept his desire to 'protect' me although i feel i don't need protection.   life is tough at times and i take the good with the bad and the ugly.   life is about hurt sometimes too, especially with those we care about so much.   i accept that we will hurt the ones we love more than anyone else .   i've learned this lesson.   we don't intentionally do so, but it does happen.   well James has learned alot since 'dumping' me.   he discovered that his 'good friend' wasn't so 'good' after all.   anyways, James seems to be ok, other than the C, right now.  James thinks i shouldn't forgive him and remain angry at him.   i knew when we blew up at each other what he was doing-trying to protect me.   plus he has felt he needed to die alone,   i didn't get that impression tonight.  well, i'm very happy to be in touch with him again.   i have things in perspective about him and i, that we can't ever be together, but that's ok.   i'd still do anything for him.   he's an intelligent, sensitive caring man.  he's always looked out for everyone else but himself.  but that is James.   he said they only gave him about a year, but who knows really.   i don't know.    anyways, before he does make his transition i'd still like to meet him, hold him and tell him i love him.    this was one thing he really wanted before he passed.   such a treasure he could take with him.    anyways, i'll still be here for him.   he's important.    i'll see how things go.   he's pretty stubborn too.    o well,   God bless him.   the funny thing is he's 6'6" and i'm 5'4".   mutt and jeff, lol..........

 

1 comment:

angelztchr said...

Oh my goodness!  That IS quite a shock.