Home in Washington

well it's 5pm sunday afternoon almost evening  i've gotten very little done  waiting on my dogs to finish eating before cleaning house  i don't have a big place so it doesn't take me long to clean  it actually takes me longer to get motivated i think than to clean it someitmes........well i talked to my second parents today  no they're not in-laws they are friends i adopted as my second set of parents  Carol & Rich live in Washington state, Spokane actually  they are a little older than my parents    i lived in Spokane in my early 20s for about 4yrs while stationed at Fairchild AFB just outside the city    i met Carol & Rich thru a lover at the time    Carol was the base commander's secretary and eventually became the wing commander's secretary     she, my lover and i would run at lunch time together, running events on base, and the annual Bloomsday running event downtown     once my lover was re-assigned to Germany, Carol & Rich took me into their home all the time     Carol and I began having lunch together several times a week and then i'd spend some time with her and Rich on the weekends    one weekend we even rode our bicycles to Courde'lane Idaho, 30miles one way    had lunch and rode them back    at the time they were in their 40s or maybe even 50     they did great that day   it was a great day    we came home only to top a major hill to their home   it's like hiking up the side of a mountain just by car let alone bicycle    when they would go out of town, i'd stay at thier house and watch their dogs    it was a blast   in a king size bed , me and 3 little dogs slept   but the way the dogs slept you think we were in a twin size bed   one on each side of me and the other at the top of my head     i couldn't move all night   LOL      Washington is beautiful    i fell in love with the place in the 4yrs i was there    i call it Home away from here although i'm originally from indiana     i have not lived in indiana since being in washington and the west for the past 25yrs or so    i'm now a westerner    I Love the west, the wilderness, the mountains, the canyons, the desert and all that it offers in its beauty and terrain    beats cornfields any day by me     and the people are very hospitable      when i think of washington, i get homesick   even after being away from there for 20yrs now    and when i go back to visit, i get extremely homesick     but for now, new mexico is home     i love it here too!    i love the sunshine year round, not like cabin fever in the midst of winter in washington     each state's uniqueness is great .......well my kids bellies are full and they are laying around    now is the time to finish cleaning     ........i'll write more on washington laterz............i decided right after speaking with them today, i'll go back for a visit next year for sure    then i'll try to get back there yearly somehow someway    Rich's health is not the best and i don't want a miss a moment with either of them.

a day late

my house is calling for me to clean it.....but Dr. Martin Luther Kings autobiography speaks louder so the book wins for a little while at least right after i finish this entry...................yesterday was not a bad day, not a great day it was a day  the most important event was my therapist calling me  i left her office monday with a misunderstanding which upset me  anyways she said she might have been having a bad day and we talked it out  later i called her back leaving a message on her voice mail letting her know she can have as many bad days as she needs    she is just as human as the rest of us    i need to remind myself that others have bad days too     she's a great therapist and this is the first time in the 6yrs of seeing her that i've misunderstood her ........today i'm chillin     my cold is still giving me hell  will resupply my vitamin C this weekend     but for right now, i'm ready for more intellectual feeding    so off to my book i go while curled up with my canines......one day soon i hope to figure out how to personalize this journal a bit    will get my online buddy Gina to assist me...........til then    have a good one!

smiling face

good morning i have a few moments to write before headed to work  it's a good morn and i'm feelin great which is really nice after last weeks hellacious week  getting blue can take a little while to snap out of it before back and running like 'normal'  i made it back to work yesterday which did me tremendous good then last night i made it to church class, thank god it was just what i needed didn't think i was going to be able to attend this class session due to my online schooling it was only this past weekend that i made some changes and knew i could attend     i withdrew from the online school i was attending   2 classes at a time with my work schedule was tooo much for me    i found another school, univ of phoenix, which i will only take one class at a time    will be enrolling in it next month i believe    first i must buy a new puter    this one is OLD and broken down    will be worth the investment    well i need to head for work      more soon     have a good day!

miserably blue

i had a really bad week last week with my blues YUK! my boss thought it was bad enough to call the medics and the cops to check on me when i didn't show up for work ya see it's the dagnabit chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my blues nothing else and i hate it tired of these blues i think the wind should come along and take me blues to the desert and play in the sand with it or some mountain atop the trees people don't need be blue most of their life in spite of medication   in the meantime, i'm looking for that parking lot that has brains for trade    ya know like cars, just go in and trade for a new one     i'd sure would like a new brain    keep my memory, my intelligience, my humor, my personality all in tack, just get rid of the chemical imbalance    .....last night i didn't sleep worth a darn   i was awake every two hours   i was sooo anxious inside, also created by that imbalance    thought about getting up and smokin a cig but really didn't want to do so    i was a non-smoker before all of this crap    i only smoke when i'm anxious like this    if it wasn't for the depression and anxiety, i'd be a happy camper all of the time      and when i'm not having these feelings,  i am very happy, mellow, content     life is full of optimism     well today i am optimistic even tho i'm still feeling a bit blue      it's been a hell of a week but i'm fine     got out of the woods yesterday when i went to church     it took the whole service , but my spirit was lifted tremendously     for now, it's hurry up 3pm   i see my therapist my rock for the past 6yrs     she can finish piecing me back together .........i've had some good life come my way recently, but will post that in another journal entry soon        until then I"M FINE.       Life goes on    i have people and places to see , things to do   much to live for             ........take care all

happy holidays '04

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year to all and to all a good year...tis the monday after christmas and i feel i have all kinds of time on my hands even worked some overtime today the day moved at a snails pace yet it was good for reflecting a beautiful sunset again here in new mexico i'v not known any other beautiful sunsets like here each unique in their settings ...anyways, at the moment im chilled, rested i feel, ready for a new year, a new beginning the major stress is over at the p.o.   christmas pkgs and cards have come and gone except for a few stragglers    now it will be the normal stress of the job   what a relief!    ....it  a few days i'm beginning an online school program to finish my bachelor's degree    finally feel i'm at the point i can finish school at last    i'm hopeful, optimistic, and ready to go for it    this will be my last attempt    as long as my short term memory loss doesn't hurt me too much, i'll be finished with my degree in criminal justice in about 15 months    i'm going to give it all i've got    every spare minute i have when not working, aside from church too   it's an accelerated program which concerns me    i'll be taking 2 classes at a time in lieu of one which was my first impression    well i'm giving it my best shot    have nothing to lose but money    and i need to face my fear regarding what my brain can do now that my medications have been determined and settled    face my fear that my brain literally may not be able to retain the information and accept that if that turns out to be the case    no matter what happens, i'm ready for the answers to my capabilities now    i have to give it all before i give up on it totally    i'm saying a prayer and keeping my fingers crossed     i'll know soon......

depression

snowflakes falling, even as little as they are, for we don't get much snow in albuquerque....wow, thanksgiving has come and gone and soon it will be christmas...but for now, i'd like to take this journal in another direction at the moment-my depression and work one supervisor i have expects me to be normal in life and there just isn't anyway to do that anymore since my mental illness although the psychotic side is under control, i struggle with depression often i have a chemical imbalance in my brain which creates my depressive state    my supervisor seems to think it's like her depression she experienced, about life and the job, but as anyone who knows chemical imbalances are not the same as situational life depression   i've always described it as a light switch turning on and off in my brain when i get depressed   feels like a electrical current running thru my brain for a moment, literally, and then i'm depressed   i can be depressed for as little as 24hrs and up to a week or longer sometimes   and blues just don't go away by 'cheering up'    alot of the times i can still be happy, laughing, sunnyside up, while feeling the blues, but i have my days when that's not the case at all    nothing i do helps the depression when i'm really blue   it's debilitating   there are days all i can do is curl up with my dogs for some nurturing   that is the only thing that works   although i know its only temporary for those days, it feels like a lifetime for the whole day   quite frankly it sucks BIG time   it's really undescribable and wouldn't wish it on anyone   you just lay in bed all day or do little as possible   no motivation, no will power, no zest, nothing    as i said, it's debilitating    ....i am thankful to be alive and well, and my illness has taught me appreciation of life like nothing else has    so much we take for granted being 'normal'     so i enjoy every moment, every day, as much as i can    there is only NOW in life     yesterday is gone and tomorrow really never comes     take each day to smell the flowers, hugs your kids, or just embrace life with all the love you have.......

My Old Friend

'My Old Friend' is actually a song on Tim McGraw's latest cd   talks about what's really important   laughter and tears and ol memories of a friend who's gone     i have an ol friend who's dying of cancer   we clashed monday night i haven't heard from him since    i've only known him a short time, but he's a wonderful man   but what do i know about dying   my life continues on while he suffers from his cancer    what do i know what to say to him really?   does anyone know?    i had know idea how difficult it is to deal with a dying man til i met my ol friend.    i carry hope for him, but is that enough?   is it right to do so?   am i ignoring the inevitable and making it worse for him?    i'm lost for words, for right action towards him.    i miss him.    nothing will take away the time we've had together    nothing will replace him     my ol friend....