can't sleep....

well i'm awake for a little while longer    needed to have a bite to eat before i can go to sleep   so i just had some toast   the way i haven't been eating a lot lately hopefully i'll lose a few pounds...anyways, i reflecting on a moment on the bus ride home tonight while laying in bed    i had a revelation   'I am success'   i rode home in my postal uniform tonight because i forgot clothes to change in case i had to ride the bus  i got a lot of stares on the way home and in one moment while a guy was staring and i was thinking, i realized i am a success story   after all i've been through my entire life, i am successful   since childhood i think i've been thinking success meant getting my degree, and it still does   but tonight what i realized in my success is i keep going no matter what the troubles, what life has handed me thru the years, in my youth, rough relationships, my illness and whatever other things i thought important   but i am successful because i endure, i don't give up, i survive and more in living life   i have perserverence, determination no matter what cards show up   my will power, courage, determination and whatever else i can't see within me that drives me to Live thru it all keeps me going   my self image all these years has been erroneous   i know i got the worthless image from childhood, but i finally see that is Not who i am at all    i am success, succeeding, successful although i may stumble at times, i may falter, i may be wrong about things and people, but for the life of me I AM!......the song, The Dance - by Garth Brooks says it all and more....

glimmer of hope

well, where do i start tonight   it's 9pm and i've been home for about 10mins   i finally took the bus home from work   not knowing the schedules, the times and the bus stops i finally got on the bus at 7:15pm   one hour and 45mins later i finally make it home   granted i work and live on opposite ends of town, but....i had guessimated about an hour or little more on the bus trek, But almost 2hrs i didn't imagine   this is very interesting considering  i just bought a bus pass for the month of july   this is going to be more time consuming than originally thought   right now there's a glimmer of hope for me to get into a car manana   the guy called me this evening about our apptmnt in the morn   i told him i didn't think i'd have enough money   his reply is that there's ways of getting around that figure but would need a couple hundred less than required minimum   so i'm saying my prayers tonight that after the bills are taken out in the morn, there'll be enough for those wheels   if not, i should have it in a couple weeks and that would be only one week of riding the bus since my boss will be working the late shift next week i can hitch a ride to and from work    so please say a prayer for me   i know all will work out eventually , tomorrow would be better.....and besides  there were tooo many homies on the bus ride home   not that they scare me, it's been awhile since i've been around a fad of people   their attire was not appealing to me at all, but everyone has their fad/phase they go thru....anyways, i did get to unwind a bit on the ride home  now i have tons of energy or it's stress from riding the bus    i need to chill really bad   and i think it got over 100 degrees today-ugh!   would explain my nauseated self at times despite tons of fluids   100+ degree weather does upset my tummy easily....anyways, the weekend will be here for me in 2 days-i work saturdays but it'll be a great start if manana works out   keepin my fingers crossed....now to catch up with everyone's journals...sweet dreams...g'nite

long hot day

at the moment i'm chillin after a very long hot day   although i wasn't in the sun all day, i was in it at its peak time   fortunately there was a breeze which kept it cooler than it actually was    they've put me back on my route, walking 10miles plus a day and it's wearing me down daily   about 6months ago i noticed a decrease in energy  just that change again i suppose due to age   as much as i love the walking, it's tougher nowadays to endure, but i do endure   i just come home and sit for the rest of the day which is what i'm doin right now   body's too tired to do anything else although i must sweep the floor and do some laundry tonight   i'm also dying for some milk at the moment   so will walk to the store and get some for bedtime.....after days of much thinking and a conversation with my friend Steph i'm going to delay a bit getting another vehicle   i keep comin up just short to pay cash for a beater and i really don't desire to have another car note    my unofficial boss is picking me up in the morn and i just got the bus schedule for riding home    i'll be fine and will use this opportunity to catch up on some other bills   i realized a few days ago that i've been in a vicious financial cycle and now is the perfect time to get out of it   my boss and i riding together does us both good for different reasons   without a car note, i can pay off some bills rather quickly   i'm only talking a few paydays and then i'll get into a car again    Change is much needed for me right now and i'm going to make the best of it Right Now   the most important thing is i have my house   i can take of the basic necessities at the moment and pay off bills-yeah!   i hate debt except a house payment....reading my book The Laws of Spirit gave me a new perspective on my journey in life   i realized i've been doing instant gratification alot recently in lieu of enduring the long haul of things   so now i'm ready to make the sacrifices i need in order to get where i desire to be again with my life, especially finances right now    there was a time in my life where i lived simply   i didn't have all the debt i have and i saved and paid cash for things   a couple months ago i remembered all this and knew this is the goal in my life i desire again   Now the opportunity has arrived   Now is the time to begin those steps again   otherwise it's back into the vicious cycle and i've had enough of that   i've learned greatly these past 2 months   now i will know what i'm made of again   i'm up for the challenge  i'm ready....Life is Good.....

long holiday

it's going to be a loooong holiday already for the 4th    the neighbors have begun doing fireworks and my dogs are all round up   as much as i enjoy this holiday, i also don't because of my dogs   charlie is already in a frenzy as the fireworks go off    it's going to be a chore to keep him calm til next week   i won't get much sleep this weekend either because of the fireworks   i'll have to take plenty of naps....anyways, i hope everyone enjoys the holidays this weekend   have a safe weekend....

 

the Law of Integrity

                                           Living Our Truth

                            Integrity means living and acting

                            in alignment with spiritual law

                                and with our highest vision,

                            despite impulses to the contrary.

                               From the heart of integrity,

                           we recognize, accept, and express

                              our authentic interior reality,

                          inspiring others not with words,

                                but by our example.

as i sit listening to my kids play, i lose myself in the moment and forget my troubles  i'm saying a prayer today that wheels come my way soon   i just remembered another option i may have   will call a dealer and see if it's available   in the meantime i'll see if i can get a hold of Tjnya this morn and get her rollin on Andre's car   i'm a bit stressed with all of this, but i'll be fine    better days are ahead, they just cant arrive soon enough  ...wish me luck....and i forgot where i was headed with integrity

time to move on....

well today was not successful when it came to my car    after exhausting all my options, i finally resided to let my Z car go   i still came up short on getting the dough together to fix it    and who knows what other problems would come up afterwards   so plan B is in effect now    i'll fix Andre's car, Tjnya son, and drive her spare car til i get the dough together for another car   i'll also do some fixin up on the spare car, not much, but at least a radio so i have music to listen while driving    and i'm still trying to get a hold of Marlo, who other son, about his motorbike   any wheels i can acquire right now will be fine for me    i also stopped at a used car lot just down the street to see what it would take to get into one of their used ones   still needed as much for it as it would cost to fix the Z car   anyways, something will come together in the near future for i realized i have much determination on this  set my mind to it and i get it done  it does me great good to at least put my best foot forward on all of this, it makes me feel good and i know i can get something done  something i learned while playing in sports   it is one's efforts that make it whether you win or lose   eventually you do win anyways  perserverence pays off in the long run.....also today i called the VA about my disability   apparently they've been waiting on some paperwork from me which i had been advised not to do   well they made notes via our conversation and will now continue with the package   it'll be another 45-70days from today before knowing something    i'll say my prayers for a good package to be approved......listening to a classic rock station   they're playing some of the 70s & 80s music which i like    i had forgotten that i was beginning to enjoy some rock a few years ago especially classic   it's a nice change right now   i really enjoy music and different types fit different moods   music is sooo gooood for the Soul   i've also decided to spend fifty bucks on Bruce Springsteen this payday   Walmart has his latests and a few older cds   Bruce is my 2d man, Michael Jackson being no. 1   i've been following Michael since age 10 when he was on the Ed Sullivan show with his brothers   i'm only 2 weeks younger than Michael and he's been my idol since 10   what can i say, i'm hooked on him even tho i rarely listen to his music nowdays   i had tons of his music years ago til my psychotic episodes  then i thru out ALL of my music including Michael among other things   it was my illness, not me   O well, i can recover some of the Jackson 5 music one day   right now I'm enjoying Bruce tremendously!    and my country music too.....well now back to home projects   and will be back to work manana   today was my scheduled day off and they didn't call me in to work    i'm lookin forward to returning to work to keep my mind off things   all is being done what can be at the moment    one day at a time    God Bless....

tea is the brew...

...this morn   haven't had a cup a tea in quite awhile   that used to be my only brew until about 15yrs ago when i began drinking coffee   i couldn't hang with the thought of folgers this morn  i know i'm spoiled by starbucks, but what can i say.....anywho  today i hope to have some direction regarding my wheels   i have 3 irons in the fire and just must wait and see which one pans out   i know this is only a temporary situation, but it's a little frustrating   not much, but a tad .....if i haven't mentioned, i'm expecting to hear from the VA anyday now regarding my disability increase   i should get a lump sump from the time i initially began the package plus the monthly increase   i'll take the lump sump and purchase a better used vehicle  had other plans for it, but with this situation arising i realized i must get a better vehicle sooner than later   so i'm anxious for the day to unfold and see what pans out    if i have wheels by this next weekend, i'm going for a drive   even if it's only a couple hours out on backroads, i need the break   i'd really like to head up to the 4corners area   that's about 4hrs away   just must wait and see...i'm actually happy with how i've been handling this stress   pretty calm about the whole thing, but recently i realized i do have a calm demeanor about things   not sure where i got it from, maybe childhood, but i remember it even in my late teens early twenties while in the military   a peer commented on it too  first time i had noticed it actually...one thing while walking everywhere but work, it has slowed me down not just literally but internally    stores are all within walking distance from my house and it's kinda like when i was a kid walking everywhere   and there was the time with a lover who refused to share the car, i got around on bicycle, bus or walking    guess i just know how to survive it all   it's almost a piece of cake   definitely teaches more appreciation of what one has in the world   i'm not angry with myself for losing my truck   i know how i've been the past 6months   my depression teaching me to slow down even more than before   it was time for changes, just wasn't expecting this one...all in all, i am well and happy   i have the gift of today and moments to enjoy   i have my dogs who love me to death and brings me joy, love & happiness....Life is Good!