another day n paradise

i write this entry in my fav color purple, BUT it deserves black i think   anyways i need the color to soothe me after 11hours at work   it's 9pm and i just got home   i thought i was having a good day until i returned to the office and remember the route adjustments which meant we had to redo our labels on our case and change the dividers and change the whole damn case around    a 'case' is our cubicle with filing like shelves on them which we sort our mail by the line of travel of the route   the stuff not presorted which is still quite a bit   anyways, because everyone was doing 12hrs today i had to do my time too   well they've been working people 12 all week long, but especially tonight for the entire stations routes had to be relabeled for all the new adjustments to them   they take effect manana and it was a must do assignment tonight after deliverying our routes    so that's 11hours on my feet   so now i sit for a few moments to rant, rave and whatever about paradise and to unload my feet  ....well today they let me do MY route   i've been unofficially taken off it, but after learning today the guy who was delivering it did NOT renew his casual contract, i think they'll let me deliver it for awhile at least    it was great to see all the customers again, especially my little buddy Chad (4yrs old)   i must write about him another time ...after delivering my route i had to go help a rookie and i was thinking   back in my early days at the p.o. we didn't get help as a rookie   as a rookie i went and helped everyone else out after delivering a route   now it's totally the opposite   we old pros go help out the rookies  GO FIGURE   and figure this   this young rookie i assisted today, young healthy athletic built hunk of a guy didn't even finish one street before i sorted mail for me and another carrier and went and delivered another street of his   there's something wrong with this picture   it has been for awhile   is it me or is young help these days not like it used to be?   and i was taking my time on that last park & loop go figure?   in my day, we had to make the cut, or you were out of there   nowadays, they seem to be happy that the rookies just hang it out no matter how loooooong it takes them or poor performance is done  Go Figure   well i know why they keep them, BUT I DON'T AGREE WITH IT!.....anyways,  i worked hard today   for years i've loved the hard work at the p.o.   but i started learning after the first 7yrs there, that the reward is truly self satisfaction   the rewards come from your customers and your pride in your job, not really anywhere else   i learned it doesn't pay so to speak to bust my ass there, although i still do a damn good job just a tad slower than when i was younger   i felt for a long time i was doing something really worthwhile   my experience with my illness changed my perspective   i am still doing something worthwhile, but i know there are better things in life and ways to live   it's been the last 6 months that my illness has taught me that i must do less hours in order to be less blue   there's been only one year that i really minded all the extra hours, but that's another story   otherwise i haven't minded the 50-60hr work weeks    i could still do it now, but then i'll be depressed more often   now i will slow down to 40hrs a week after this week and be content with that    my health has priority now and i must take care of me   it will all be eventually ok with me,  it is already    for months, maybe a year, i've been torn about living up to my previous work ethics and schedule  it's been a long struggle, but i finally came to my senses   40hrs is all i can handle now, otherwise be depressed.....so now, i do what i can and be happy with that   besides i've always believed there's more to life than just the job   never been happy with that idea since childhood watchin my parents be gone to work all the time...no fun....so now, onto other Life adventures   i'm looking forward to them   hurry up retirement!   LOL

Women's College World Series

ok i'm watchin the world series softball for women    i'm reminscencing when i played for about 25years    i played it sooo long that  i still miss it from time to time   there were some good times, and then there was the crap i dealt with too  too many egos getting in the way and bitchy women    i don't miss that at all    i'd play past 40, but the women i knew were die hards and still very serious about the game thinking they could play the same level as the young ones  Get a grip!   i'm competitive, but only desired to play for the pure enjoyment   not a die hard here    so enough of the die hards and the bitches, i 'retired'   maybe when i turn 50, i'll go back to the game   but for now i'm content to watch....i love how far women's sports has come since my day   it's great for character, strength, comradeship and just plain FUN!

i'm back

just a short note to let everyone i know i'm back online, not that you knew i was offline    my notebook picked up a virus and we couldn't get it off just with an anti-virus program   so we've been reloading windows xp and it's been giving us a hell of a time    i'm now in the midst of 195 emails and catching up on all my aol journals   will be droppin in again soon.....

Ok,  i'm here finally!   the past few days have been, well shall i say introspective    without my computer at my fingertips, i've had the time to reflect and at long last ACCEPT that this is my life!   this being my depression   it's taken years to get here, but i now fully accept that i will be depressed off and on regardless of the antidepression   it was easier to accept my craziness than the blues   i kept hoping an adjustment in meds would make the blues go away, but no such luck   my acceptance began in january/february when i depressed most of those 2 months   i no longer have the energy to fight it so to speak   i've adjusted my work hours to better manage my blues   i no longer have the energy to do 60hr work weeks and it has financially hurt   but i will survive, i will live regardless of it   actually i realized today in the midst of my last tears, that i feel more human than i ever have my entire life   i'm a financial mess, maybe losing my home and/or my truck, but emotionally, mentally, physically i'm alot healthier than i've ever been so to speak   ok i am working on not losing my house and i really don't care about my truck,  what i've learned is when i'm depressed i go shopping and that must stop   i already have plan A, B, C set up for the future and may request a friends help    i've had financial woes before, but not to this degree   no matter what, i accept i did this to myself and whether depressed or not, i must get a grip  which I WILL.... as i've listened to friends recently, i realize i'm not alone in my financial woes   i'm not alone in the challenges life may present us   i'm just as human as others, and i know i will live regardless  now this has taken some deep contemplation the past few days, but today talking with Russ for a moment, I'm ok....and Kathleen my therapist called today   that made me very happy   i didn't get to see her at the last appointment for she was out for some unknown reason to me   she told me today that she had emergency colon surgery, colon cancer i believe, but they got it all    i was worried about her and will inquire more at our next appointment next thursday   i've missed her   i can tell her anything and i do, not like some of my friends  who i willl be at odds with at times...i was beginning to think i've had my head in the clouds too much lately and i snapped back to reality with my financial woes   well i need my heads in the clouds as often as i can   it really gets me through my blues and difficult times to take time and smell the roses   i don't believe life is to be all work and no play   i don't believe it's to be about money all the time and nothing to enjoy    frankly, i hate money sometimes  that goes back to childhood and another entry and i won't go there   anyways,  life is to be enjoyed    for the past 6months i've known Change has been at my doorstep yet not knowing what that looked like   well the picture is emerging to a better way of living, not materialistic and monetarily, but with my heart and the best intentions   as long as i can maintain my integrity, my happiness and my kids, all is well    today is all there is   tomorrow has not come and yesterday is gone............ 

Memorial Day

                                                              may all those who died for us rest in peace,  may all those serving now come home safe and sound    may our nation remain strong and forever Free!

sunday rest

it was another beautiful day for this weekend   i think the forecasted rain is finally arriving at this hour   or so the sprinkles say   it was suppose to rain since friday, but we only got a few showeres at the base and in the mountains for a few moments friday late afternoon   the remainder of the city stay dried and although clouds have drifted in every evening, no showers.......today was a sluggish day, but i had a great date with Russ   he worked on the virus on my computer, with no luck, while i grilled steaks for us   we had good conversation although i felt half asleep for my restless nite ...so hence the teddy bear right now   i'm ready to go curl up with one or my dogs and hit the sack....tomorrow will be a day of a couple projects   clothes organization and putting in a new sink & cabinet in my guess bathroom   my neighbor Dell was throwing an old one out, so i scarfed it up   i already needed to replace the faucet and had just discovered i really needed to replace the sink   well i haven't ever done this before either, so this will be another journey for my handywoman license   it should be fun....and tomorrow at 3pm locally, i will take a moment of silence in recognition of our fallen heros....Happy Memorial Day everyone....

we shall build that sky

i just added a note to my last entry thinking i wouldn't add another entry   it's 4:30am and i haven't slept well since my evening with Danny   as we were hugging each other goodbye and went our separate ways, a strong feeling came over me    i have no clue as to what it really was, but i know i was soooo moved spending time with him that i can't sleep   maybe i'm worried already   my dreams are of Danny when i do sleep...and just before hitting the sack, i meditated momentarily in the still of the night   my inner voice said, "we shall build that sky"    what this means i don't know   i was thinking of Danny and then thinking of God as well as what changes within me i've felt the past few days   whatever that 'sky' is, i know God will be my guide   God is my source, my wisdom, divine intelligence and sooo much more    'we shall build that sky' i feel is a message from God somehow, someway    i will know in the days to come as it unfolds what it will be........if i get some sleep, i will attend church this morn   i had already been thinking of doing so before last nite    all the more reason now to go.....       (at 11:30am this sun morn i discovered i hadn't taken my meds last night   this explains the sleepless nite more than anything   me and my brain-ugh!)

danny mares

tonight i got to know this young man a little better   more so than ever actually at work   at work we don't get to chit chat   it's always business, business, business...anyways, Danny is my co-worker headed back to Iraq   the young face of war really hit me tonight he shared some of his previous experience   really just a couple stories and although he was laughing i could tell even more how the war had affected him a bit   his stories really brought the reality of war even closer to home   i am speechless, maybe numb to this experience   i think i was like this last year when Girlfriend (Sharon-another coworker) went to iraq for 3 months    it just brings me in ever more appreciation of what we have here   what it is to be an American   FREEDOM is not free!....i pray tonight is not the last time i see him   he shared what their mission will be, and he won't actually be in iraq again until sept 1   he leaves the 6th of june to amarillo for a couple weeks, then off to north carolina until he departs overseas  ..... i also learned tonight Danny is a country boy  the party was at his parents house and it was actually where Danny grew up   i'm a bit country myself, so i love the down home feelin with country folks  he likes country and rock music, so i'll be sending him some  he also suggested sneaking beer in the mail, so i will definitely oblige with a six pack for the guys   he pulled out a cigarette tonight and i said i didn't know you smoked   not to my surprise, he only smokes while in the war   he was feelin a little bit of the stress tonight (probably the stories reminding him)  so there'll be plenty cartons of cigs for him and his troops in his kare packages   he'll only be over there 6-8months, BUT....God I LOVE OUR TROOPS!!!   anyways, like Girlfriend, i'll keep him busy with letters , several times a week ...when i was overseas, i felt isolated from "Home" = USA   i was always delighted to hear from home   i'm sure it's far more important during war...anyways, i also told him i'm lighting a candle nightly with his pic beside it (once i get it)   i came homeand lit one already   i also started the coffee so i can add some baileys'   a couple cups will do me wonders right now....he escorted me to my truck tonight   we hugged each other a couple times   he knew i was bout to cry, and i did once in the truck and on the road...he did tell me he had a pendant but gave it to Girlfriend when she went to iraq   so it was good i got him the pendant   he said he had it blessed too   he's wearing it now and said he will think of me while over there   i just want him to think of him and his troops and i'm sure he will.....God, war sucks!!!!    I love you Danny Mares   God Bless You, your family, our troops!.....i'll get another ton of gray hairs, but o well....                                              (i'm sooo deeply moved by this evening that i can't sleep tonight..God Bless..)