Thursday, June 2, 2005

i'm back

just a short note to let everyone i know i'm back online, not that you knew i was offline    my notebook picked up a virus and we couldn't get it off just with an anti-virus program   so we've been reloading windows xp and it's been giving us a hell of a time    i'm now in the midst of 195 emails and catching up on all my aol journals   will be droppin in again soon.....

Ok,  i'm here finally!   the past few days have been, well shall i say introspective    without my computer at my fingertips, i've had the time to reflect and at long last ACCEPT that this is my life!   this being my depression   it's taken years to get here, but i now fully accept that i will be depressed off and on regardless of the antidepression   it was easier to accept my craziness than the blues   i kept hoping an adjustment in meds would make the blues go away, but no such luck   my acceptance began in january/february when i depressed most of those 2 months   i no longer have the energy to fight it so to speak   i've adjusted my work hours to better manage my blues   i no longer have the energy to do 60hr work weeks and it has financially hurt   but i will survive, i will live regardless of it   actually i realized today in the midst of my last tears, that i feel more human than i ever have my entire life   i'm a financial mess, maybe losing my home and/or my truck, but emotionally, mentally, physically i'm alot healthier than i've ever been so to speak   ok i am working on not losing my house and i really don't care about my truck,  what i've learned is when i'm depressed i go shopping and that must stop   i already have plan A, B, C set up for the future and may request a friends help    i've had financial woes before, but not to this degree   no matter what, i accept i did this to myself and whether depressed or not, i must get a grip  which I WILL.... as i've listened to friends recently, i realize i'm not alone in my financial woes   i'm not alone in the challenges life may present us   i'm just as human as others, and i know i will live regardless  now this has taken some deep contemplation the past few days, but today talking with Russ for a moment, I'm ok....and Kathleen my therapist called today   that made me very happy   i didn't get to see her at the last appointment for she was out for some unknown reason to me   she told me today that she had emergency colon surgery, colon cancer i believe, but they got it all    i was worried about her and will inquire more at our next appointment next thursday   i've missed her   i can tell her anything and i do, not like some of my friends  who i willl be at odds with at times...i was beginning to think i've had my head in the clouds too much lately and i snapped back to reality with my financial woes   well i need my heads in the clouds as often as i can   it really gets me through my blues and difficult times to take time and smell the roses   i don't believe life is to be all work and no play   i don't believe it's to be about money all the time and nothing to enjoy    frankly, i hate money sometimes  that goes back to childhood and another entry and i won't go there   anyways,  life is to be enjoyed    for the past 6months i've known Change has been at my doorstep yet not knowing what that looked like   well the picture is emerging to a better way of living, not materialistic and monetarily, but with my heart and the best intentions   as long as i can maintain my integrity, my happiness and my kids, all is well    today is all there is   tomorrow has not come and yesterday is gone............ 

2 comments:

ksquester said...

I love your honesty. I too, suffer from depression and have been on antidepressants for awhile. I thought I could go off of them and decided to.......big mistake!  I'm back on them and things were going OK, then BAM........I went into a big anxiety/depressive state. In fact, it's just been in the last few days that I have managed to pull out of it. My Dr. tried me on new meds and after taking 1 pill for the next 2 days, it was like a "deer in the headlights" time. So, let's try again. After not sleeping for over a week, I have finally gotten sleep, glorious sleep. For 2 nights now it's been wonderful. I am feeling back to normal (whatever the heck that is) and it feels good. I know this and understand all of this intellectually, but emotionally it's a different matter. Thank God my husband really understands this! Shoot, we even teach classes on this, but when it hits home, everything seems to go out the door, at least for awhile. Anyway, it's my long way of saying.......YES, I know where you are coming from and YES, you will be fine, but dang, I wish it just it got easier as you get older. lol     Anne

fitzzer said...

I know how you feel, on all of the above. You are so right about work, money and play. They all have their place and don't define who you really are. Go with your heart - I've found that's always the best way to go. Take care. ~ Lori