Monday, August 7, 2006
a fellow j-lander's recent journal entry allows me to write this entry i gave myself permission that is....for about a week i've been feelin' like an idiot as the days go by it dissipates but last week i snapped i had tossed some of my favorite Spiritual Master's teachings out the door (Ramtha's) after havin' coffee with Rev Jen, i snapped back into reality so to speak what came to light was i realized all these years on a subconscious level i've been still tryin to live up to my parents expectations (and Ramtha's) still tryin' to be that "angel" i was molded into in my youth now there's nothin wrong with bein an angel, but that is not totally who i am i just realized i was still tryin to do the "right" thing, according to their views this included my sexuality this included my cursing all of which is a sin this issue started before my illness i didn't get to finish it until last week well i said !@#$ that sh**! why do i feel like such an idiot? because i accepted that the "angel" route was the Only way to heaven bein an angel doesn't make me happy because i can't be who i truly am i know that no matter what kind of life we lead, we're all gettin into heaven i'm not wearing the squeaky clean outfit no more! well i haven't been doin so since i left the nest almost 30yrs ago for sooo long i wanted my parents approval i no longer need that only my approval of myself is what truly counts! so off to life in freedom, total freedom!....and no i'm really not an idiot!