Monday, August 7, 2006

idiot!

a fellow  j-lander's recent journal entry allows me to write this entry   i gave myself permission that is....for about a week i've been feelin' like an idiot   as the days go by it dissipates   but last week i snapped    i had tossed some of my favorite Spiritual Master's teachings out the door (Ramtha's)   after havin' coffee with Rev Jen, i snapped back into reality so to speak   what came to light was i realized all these years on a subconscious level i've been still tryin to live up to my parents expectations (and Ramtha's)    still tryin' to be that "angel" i was molded into in my youth   now there's nothin wrong with bein an angel, but that is not totally who i am   i just realized i was still tryin to do the "right" thing, according to their views    this included my sexuality   this included my cursing   all of which is a sin    this issue started before my illness   i didn't get to finish it until last week   well i said !@#$ that sh**!   why do i feel like such an idiot?   because i accepted that the "angel" route was the Only way to heaven   bein an angel doesn't make me happy because i can't be who i truly am    i know that no matter what kind of life we lead, we're all gettin into heaven   i'm not wearing the squeaky clean outfit no more!   well i haven't been doin so since i left the nest almost 30yrs ago   for sooo long i wanted my parents approval   i no longer need that   only my approval of myself is what truly counts!   so off to life in freedom, total freedom!....and no i'm really not an idiot!

1 comment:

fitzzer said...

Nope, you're far from an idiot. Nor are you alone. I think we all try to live up to our parents (and others) expectations in one way or another. Along with being way too hard on ourselves. We're not meant to be perfect, but it sure feels like we should be sometimes doesn't it? lol Hugs, ~ L