idiot!

a fellow  j-lander's recent journal entry allows me to write this entry   i gave myself permission that is....for about a week i've been feelin' like an idiot   as the days go by it dissipates   but last week i snapped    i had tossed some of my favorite Spiritual Master's teachings out the door (Ramtha's)   after havin' coffee with Rev Jen, i snapped back into reality so to speak   what came to light was i realized all these years on a subconscious level i've been still tryin to live up to my parents expectations (and Ramtha's)    still tryin' to be that "angel" i was molded into in my youth   now there's nothin wrong with bein an angel, but that is not totally who i am   i just realized i was still tryin to do the "right" thing, according to their views    this included my sexuality   this included my cursing   all of which is a sin    this issue started before my illness   i didn't get to finish it until last week   well i said !@#$ that sh**!   why do i feel like such an idiot?   because i accepted that the "angel" route was the Only way to heaven   bein an angel doesn't make me happy because i can't be who i truly am    i know that no matter what kind of life we lead, we're all gettin into heaven   i'm not wearing the squeaky clean outfit no more!   well i haven't been doin so since i left the nest almost 30yrs ago   for sooo long i wanted my parents approval   i no longer need that   only my approval of myself is what truly counts!   so off to life in freedom, total freedom!....and no i'm really not an idiot!