what am i doin'

i really don't know at the moment   one moment i want to see Ramtha, the next i don't    lately i've been pondering my life   trying to get it to fit in form of some kind    i realized i've been thinking in order to do my spiritual journey i would need to give up something or an aspect of life, or so my thinking has said    then it dawned on my yesterday what a bunch of horse puckey   why can't i have it all   but part of the tear in my soul has been not desiring a mate ever again   just being happy alone    well it hit me like a ton of bricks the other day that i was ready for a date   maybe i'm ready for a mate   and yes i can have it all and still do my spiritual journey    i've been trying to recapture what my spiritual journey really looks like   i haven't had a clue since my stinkin illness a dozen years ago   but slowly and surely as time unfolds, i get a glimpse   this time it includes people    i've been feelin like being a monk for a few months or so, whatever a monk does i have no clue   but celibacy was lookin mighty fine for a little while there    anyways, after this weekend, i've given up the monk idea    yet i will continue to formulate my spiritual journey and what that looks like for me    it truly is somethin within me to be lived out    what the formula consists of i'm searchin for it    it'll come to me    i had it before my illness, i'll have it again!