Sunday, November 6, 2005

Chocolate! hand over your chocolate!

it's cold outside   ok maybe a little nippy but not really cold cold    i had to run to Walmart for some coffee filters   had to create my own this morn for coffee   so i headed for filters and some more wood pellets only to find they had closed the garden section at 8pm   i was a half hour late   i have enough pellets for part of the nite and will pick up some more manana    anyways,   i was craving chocolate   have been for a few days now   blue about being blue and can't seem to get over that hump at the moment   so i decide on Baskin Robbins   Hot Fudge sundae with Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream   double the fudge   hmmmm   hmmmm goood! while i'm out and about, i begin thinking about M again    now awhile ago i wrote an entry on the love of my life, but deleted it   it was about M   briefly she is a friend in my Bible Wisdom class    she was in my Foundations Class as well this last spring   well back in september, i suddenly found myself attracted to her (it snuck upon me   i wasn't lookin for anyone)  wonderful woman    anyways, i think she's straight (heterosexual) as all get out, therefore i wouldn't ask her out on a date (respect for her own sexuality)   anyways, she winks at me everytime i come to class   i've been figuring she's just saying hello   well Tjnya today implied again that maybe there's more to it that just that   granted M doesn't wink at anyone else in the class, but who knows maybe this is the way she greets her friends?    i don't know    i've been flustered for 2months over her and finally let it be that she's just a good friend...until Tjnya's chat today...well i still desire to let it be and if i should discover anything else along the way, then i'll say something    so what do you think j-landers?   should i ask M about the winking?  let it be?   ask her about her sexuality?   let it be as friends?   whatever will be will be   i love her friendship and if that's all there is to it, that's ok by me    we'll see in time    in a couple nites i'll see M for the first time in 2weeks at class   first time since letting it be as friends as well    i'll see how i react to her and her winking....

well, today, was basically another lazy day    i took yesterday off as well   again blue about being blue   damn blues!   anyways, i was suppose to clean today   Pat my realtor came by, but she isn't listing the house til friday   she'd rather get some more repairs done before listing    so i have tuesday off and can clean then    i have done some laundry and picked up my bedroom    after Pat's visit for couple hours, i took a nap    then i watched a couple real life crime shows   really intense   made me question whether to still continue my criminal justice degree    i've been thinking of studying metaphysics instead anyways    i would like to be able to utilize my degree in some way once completed    having my illness i'm very doubtful i'll be able to be employed anywhere in the criminal justice fields    with a metaphysics or new thought something or other degree i can personally grow from it as well as use it at church   i'd like to be a Practioner there (sorta like spiritual counseling)    these thoughts have been on my mind this past week especially thinking of my retirement and what will I do once retired?   what will my illness allow me to do?   unfortunately it dictates my life often   it's a PAIN IN THE ASS!    i'm still processing this rollercoaster ride i'm on   i even recognized that whoever the love of my life will be, she must be pretty damn special to be able to handle me and my illness    it gets really ROUGH at times   it's enough for me to deal with let alone having a lover to go through it with me   she must be very strong, not panic, and be supportive    but having a lover will be gravy    i'm ok living alone and being alone, but still prefer a partner in my life   so i'll just see what life holds for me in that department    i'll always at least have one dog   my kids now fullfill my life completely with their unconditional love   they are a woman's best friend!   

for now, i trek on.....dying to be retired...ready for another life....God will show me the way   all in time....God Bless you all for your support and friendship:-)!


ksquester said...

Try winking back and see what she does? Put her in a position where she can make the first move and then see if she makes it.  I know what you mean by the blues. Although I haven't been plagued by them recently, I do know they will always be around a corner somewhere. DARN!  I haven't been to Baskin Robbins in years. They have all closed around here with other ice cream companies opening. Jamoca almond fudge was always a favorite of mine. Glad you enjoyed it. Kiss the doggies for me!   Anne

delela1 said...

Lots on your mind today Karen.  As for matters of the heart, the only bit of wisdome I can impart to you is this...When you least expect it, that's when love comes to you.  Go looking for it and you may never find it.  Let it come to you.  Just live your life.

I studies metaphysics on my own for many years...hands on healing, holistic medicine, etc.  I was just drawn to it and much of it made sense.