tryin 2 chill

home today   for a little whiles anyways    tryin to chill while being anxious about my appointment this afternoon    listening to music and writing in my other journal for the moment   it's helping sum, but ....once i finish with my other journal i'm going to walk the mall to C if i can calm down any    today is the C test, or so i think    i'll give more details once this examination is over...i'm saying my prayers for now....

Da Bears!

Yeah!   my Bears won today!   they are definitely headed to the playoffs this year   i fell in love with them over 20yrs ago while 'Sweetness' Walter Payton was playing   i will get his jersey one day, hopefully in the near future    maybe like when my house sells   i've been getting prospective buyers the past couple days, now i'm praying one of them makes an offer soon   this would be the icing on the cake....dear God,  send me an offer soon:-)....the other good news, well to me anyways, Kyle dropped by today for a few moments with his new girlfriend Mattie   she's a student at Univ of New Mexico here in albuquerque   she seemed really nice    they didn't stay long, but it was good to see him     he's working a lot of hours, which is good for him but he's realized he can't keep Jasmine  (last week he went and got her back)   well,  i tried my damnest to let her be adopted out, but i guess he needed to learn for himself    poor Jasmine   i wish i could have kept her, but...and i just wasn't that close to her for she was his dog    anyways, i told him if he didn't take her back to the rescue place that there is a cop looking for dogs for his unit    kyle also knows someone who's a bounty hunter who might take her     whatever the case,   i hope he does it soon for jasmine's sake    anyways, i didn't get on his case, but he's learning.....so anyways, that's about the news for now ....o yeah, it finally turned cold last nite and will be here for a few days     it's still been in the 60s here    a mild winter has been forecasted andi don't doubt it    happy i wasn't delivering mail today for the wind was cold more so than the temp    a cold wind is far more draining on me while working than just plain simple cold   i'm always ready for bed as soon as i get home from a cold windy day   but anyways, all is good   Life is good!.....two more days until my test for the big C....

restless

well today i became restless    granted i need a vacation, but quite frankly i'm a little bored    i began the day feeling mucho stress but finally walked that off at work    i didn't finish my day til 7:30pm tonite along with some of my co-workers who worked 12hrs today    i don't feel tired   not hungry and all i've had to eat today is a pb&j sandwich with some cookies    i have chicken to fix tonite, but it's too late to be cookin   so i'm having a glass of chocolate milk   don't know why i'm round up, but i am    it's time for a movie or some shopping or something other than work, home and class   just a feelin of bored with life at the moment   anyone else get that way?    it's been awhile since i've felt that and if i'm bored now while working, what will happen when i do get to retire?    sometimes i think about withdrawing my retirement package but i donn't think that's a good idea    i'm anxious to do something new   what that will be has yet to be revealed to me    like M said the other nite at dinner, so much of my identity is wrapped up in the p.o. and my customers   i'm beginning to feel some of the transition, but jiminy cricket    i must be feeling pretty damn good because this restlessness is my natural drive in life   time to set some more goals and go after them   i'll contemplate on it tonite and see what i come up with   i've been driven for sooo long in life that i don't know what to do with myself when idling as i have somewhat this year while figuring out my blues and its affects on me    anyways, I'M BORED!!!!!

(yes i am headed into spiritual counseling or ministry, but that's down the road when i retire    need some excitement now!~)

Thankful...

Today is a day of giving Thanks....i am grateful for the following in my life:

I am grateful for God always present in my life

I give thanks for my dogs, my best companions in life thus far and their ever continuing unconditional love and play

I give thanks for Nature and it's forever presence reminding me of the abundance of God's Love

I give thanks for the abundance of family of friends here in abq, across the states, and here in j-land who always support me with love and encouragement, laughter and tears, good times and bad times shared, moments chatting over coffee and words of wisdom

I give thanks for the First Church of Religious Science, my church, for it's presence in my life   for their New Thought thinking   for their warmth, support and friendship

I give thanks for Rev Jennie in my life   one wonderful woman, experienced and wise in her Spiritual understanding as well as her support and love she gives to me    I value our friendship and her being my mentor tremendously

I give thanks to M for simply being a friend and more so for being the beautiful, wonderful woman she is    her presence has allowed me to grow and learn more of myself   her 'square'ness is a breath of fresh air in a world of people with no morals and standards that i have encountered in my lifetime

I give thanks for my job,  yes my job    i do love my job and being there   it's just my struggles with my blues that make it difficult

I give thanks, last but not least, to my family    although spread across the states and not that close, I do love them and appreciate them in my life ....

God Bless the world today   Bless those in need and those in abundance   God Bless everyone    May we find peace and our paths meet to a higher calling

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

more paperwork!

today Tjnya was asking if i had checked on the status of my retirement   i said no and would call later   tonite i come home to my mailbox with a letter from the individual handling my retirement package   she sent another form to be completed before forwarding it to headquarters, or wherever it goes    so    i'd say this thing has been pushed back at least 2 more months if not longer    that's the p.o. for ya   and their getting worse   Tjnya was more upset than me about this matter    i opened the letter and laughed simply because this doesn't surprise me    so who knows when i'll be retired   i was hoping for a vacation soon, but....anyways, now i'll just focus on selling my house, get thru the holidays, and prepare for a vacation in january/february sometime    another day at the p.o. and another day of more bull@#$!......

well i'm not allowing this to ruin my day or holiday manana    just another day in the life at the p.o.   Life goes on...

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

dawn of a new day...

this morn i sit reading Marianne Williamson's Everyday Grace    i've been reading it tidbits at a time, yet this morn it truly spoke to me    'God willing' is a phrase her mother used often in her childhood, humbling one to God's will    i like that    although we create our lives, i've been forgetting that God has a hand in it as well    lately i've been struggling on how does one keep to affirmative thoughts when there seems to be so many thoughts to the contrary   like my house selling for one    only recently did i get truly perturbed with my realtor, yet yesterday morn i woke to that inner voice requesting i stay home and clean     and sure enough, my realtor finally came thru and is listing the house today    in addition all the final touches are in place    i am reminded to keep faith, yet this is tested as well   i realized only recently that it's been a loooong time since having God back in my life and now is the time to rebuild my faith    in so doing, i'm getting a tattoo that says Faith with a tribal band around my wrist    therefore i can always be reminded to trust in God    i know this house will sell   quickly i hope   yet i have my fears regarding it as well    senseless fears    why do i even allow them to be in my thoughts?

Ready!

My house is ready, finally, for listing manana!    Finally!   one door must be done in the morn and i have oneset of windows to get cleaned   i also need to mop and dust and it's ready...i'm sooo ready for this place to be sold and move on     o yeah, i need to run and buy some candles so as to cover any dog smells lingering   but besides i love vanilla candles   i packed mine, so i need to go pick up a few more   back to walmart i go    but my place looks great   Pat my realtor has been a slave driver, but i pray it all pays off in the end   we'll know soon enough    i hope this sells really fast and by the end of december i'm in a new place....well i need to run ....more laterz!

i just wanna chill....

friday eve and i'm all round up   all i want to do is chill    my realtor ticked me off this evening and i can't seem to relax   she keeps being toooo picky and postponing the listing date   she's driving me Nuts!....so here i sit, watchin Stargate SG-1   i finally remembered it's on friday nite   i love sci-fi, well some of it    i'm drinking coffee wondering if i should have a second cup to keep me awake    i'm debating whether to clean house tonite (for the realtor) or just wait til manana    usually after my 10mile hike delivering mail all day, i don't have the energy to do anything but sit   the weight of the mail is tons heavier too this time of year   the wind is cold and draining   so sittin my butt down is the best re-energizer for me after a day's work    but i sure could work some anger off by cleaning   maybe i'll do a tidbit  save the rest for the morn and then head to work   bahhumbug!......

well today has been pretty good, until my realtor called...anyways, the weather is still warm here during the day   in the mid 50s   a nice warm sun and with a cold wind, but nice nevertheless   ...and today i talked with a woman on my route who rents a few apartments   she has a one bedroom   right price   a little yard, but big enough for my kids, However, she's done all this nice landscaping   IF i were to rent it, my kids must become inside dogs-which will be easy   either that or give up Jimmy   i came home and took one look at him and said NO!!   No way in hell will i give up my Jimmy   I love him as much as Charlie and that's enough love to fill this world    Jimmy is my shadow   everywhere i go, there is my Jimmy at my heel   he's just a big ol' lap dog too   he's as big as i am, 5'4", when he stands up    No more giving up any of my kids NO MATTER WHAT!    so IF i take that apartment, should she allow me to rent it, we'd have to work something out so that i keep both of them    more than likely, i'll find a house to rent     this will assure me of my kids' happiness...we'll see what happens   i have plenty time to still find a place ....this weekend i need to relax    so Cindy and i are headed to see the latest Potter movie    and soon as my Bible Wisdom class is over, my nose will be glued to Potter's 5th book....time for some fun this weekend....

p.s.   one more thing....some postal customers of mine, George and Vicky, invited me to dinner tonite    it was a pleasant evening with them and their granddaughter...

all quiet on the home front...

it is all quiet on the home front   very peaceful and so am i   it's been nice to have quiet time since kyle's been gone  just me and my dogs who lay cuddled around me    this is how i like it   this is what spoils me   gives me time to reflect   enjoy the moment of stillness   no music  no tv   just the warmth of the sun shining in thru the window   i count my blessings in these moments  life's precious gifts    and recently i also changed my course of study for my bachelor's degree    in the midst of my blues a couple weeks ago, my inner voice spoke to me and suggested metaphysics    after a week contemplating it and talking with my therapist, i've definitely decided to study metaphysics    it will be a great healing tool as well as good for my  personal growth   i can become a spiritual counselor or minister eventually which i'd like    studying metaphysics will also give me more tools to deal with my blues    i need them    although i accept my blues more as time goes by, i have yet to totally embrace it   i'm workin on it, but it is difficult   i know the time will come i'll be in full acceptance and the sooner, the better   it's just part of the process i'm going thru   quiet moments like these will give me the time to fully embrace the blues....Life is truly Good!

the ads...

...on top of our journals simply @#$%^& suck!

middle of november

alas, i'm back again....my internet cable line got chewed by Jasmine so i've been out of function for awhile    so what is there to tell since last week?   nothing and everything i suppose    first i'm a little numb at the moment   today's news on my health wasn't that great   my mental health is fine, now it's female issues   i actually got the news a couple days ago, but today was the day i was facing it a bit    a couple months ago i had an abnormal pap   now there's one more test to check if i have the big C or not   as long as i don't think about it, i'm ok   the appointment hasn't even been scheduled yet, but all in time i'd say....and over the weekend, i gave up 2 dogs here   both went to different rescue places and if not placed already, will be    i chose to hang onto Charlie and Jimmy    Max and Jasmine are gone    although jasmine is kyle's dog, kyle hasn't been here for a couple weeks nor has he been caring for her much    so i took it upon myself to find her a better place   the only way to hold onto jasmine was giving up one more of my dogs, which i couldn't do   it was hard as hell to give up either dog, but it was necessary so i can find a home for us other 3    as far as i can tell, kyle no longer lives here   at least for now    he's hangin with his army GI buddies and that's where he needs to be    i hope all is going well with him for i haven't heard from him much since he's been gone   i know he's fine and he needs to be doing his own life   i just still think of him daily wondering if i'll hear from him....in the meantime, class is on break for a week this next week    just what i need too   so many distractions from it lately i haven't been able to focus as much on it    i did get my class project completed and presented it last nite    now i can truly relax for the remainder of the class and enjoy    just do my readings and learn more   the parables are teaching me actually more than i ever imagined    i'm going to stay in touch with Rod our instructor once the class is finished so i can learn more on the bible.....and the latest on my house, it finally goes on the market this friday/saturday   all repairs will be done manana   my realtor is a perfectionist   she wants everything looking like a model home   i had no idea when i called her a couple months ago she would be so meticulous    it's almost over   now for a quick sale and i'll be one happy camper.....last but not least, i finally get to see my friend Steph manana   i haven't seen her in about 4mos or longer    it'll be good to catch up and see her......now, i need some quiet time to soak in some more this recent health issue    i'lll keep you posted    i'm saying a prayer it turns out to be nothing but a virus....

Veteran's Day

     A Salute to all our Veterans and active duty soldiers !    God bless you all!   Thank you for serving our country!

 

good morning all....i woke to some good news   i think i have found some places to rent where i can keep Charlie    i spoke to a rental agency this morn and she said there shouldn't be too much of a problem    yesterday i called all the apartment complexes about dog restrictions    they all had breed restrictions and pitt bulls was on that list    by the end of the day i felt defeated    i felt there was no hope for Charlie    so after talking with this rental agency this morn, there is new hope   even light at the end of the tunnel    i've been soooo worried about Charlie    i didn't want someone to have him and end up treating him maliciously   i also didn't want them to lose him (since he's a jumper) only to end up in the pound   i realized last nite thru a conversation with a friend that i am very protective of Charlie   he's the only dog to give me more heartache and headache but he is worth all of that simply for being his Charlie self    he's a handfull and i was afraid no one else could really handle him   my mr. social butterfly   one who still behaves as if he's a puppy although he's 5yrs old now   my Christmas present 4yrs ago and he's a handsome devil too...so my day is off to a good start    here's hoping the remainder of the day continues to be good...

nurturing nite

sitting here eatin my chilli    only because i must eat something   mostly i feel like curling up to a good book and my kids    i realized a moment ago i haven't nurtured myself lately    been too busy with the house, work and class     and when i get blue as i did last week, i definitely need to take time out and nourish my soul, my being, my spirit     kathleen, my therapist, reminded me of it this morn    she returned my call    she reminded me of what i need to do when depressed    and i told her my depression is still teaching me humility   the humility is more acceptance of my blues    i went thru stages of acceptance until total acceptance of the crazy part of me    this year i'm in the stages with my depression   God i want it to go away, yet I KNOW it won't    it will be here   the rollercoaster ride will continue   this is the unfairness of life that's been dealt to me   with last weeks episode, i've been wondering why God?    but truly my illness is a GIFT!    it has shown me what is truly in important in life   i have become more compassionate and understanding that i ever thought possible    i am reminded that despite it, i am still a loving expression of God   that God is with me always, in me, as me, is me    (this is our New Thought belief)   my blessings are many and come in various sizes, shapes, ways and however they come to me   there are not enough words to express the value of life   one day, i think my wisdom from this experience will be a tool for others with same or similar experiences    may my journey be a service to others in any small way possible   may my humbleness from this illness be a guiding light   may God Bless everyone with perfect health and happiness despite the struggles     and may each new dawn bring sunshine to your heart and all the treasures God, Life, has brought us...

the wink

well....tonite was class....no i didn't wink at her, nor did she either    we had bumped into each other in the parking lot    but i did finally ask her about her winking   she didn't even know she was doing it..lol   my instincts were correct    she is straight   she's just been saying hello when she was winking    i gave her a book tonite   she insisted i write in it    it would have  been done already but i know she doesn't  mark her books up   i did honor her with writing a special note in the book to her    M is a wonderful woman   just very loving and giving   just as i thought    i treasure her friendship and if i ever need to tell her why i asked her about the wink, i'll let her know   i'll let her know i'm gay, not sure i'll let her know i've been attracted to her    it was a good evening   and i also realized i made the transition that she is just a friend    now i have new ideas, or actually old remembered ideas, of what qualities to look for in a partner    in the meantime, i have my doggies for now   i'm happy single   happy alone   time will tell whether someone will come into my life .....now, back to my charlie brown    he's bugging for attention    he's going to get some especially since i may not have him much longer    letting go of my kids is tearing me up....

warm before cold?

it was 70 degrees today, or so that's what the weather forecast predicted    it was really nice, However, some of customers told me that come Wednesday the cold front will be here   guess i'll need my leggins after all soon   and everyone around here has the sniffles, including me    i just hope it doesn't turn into a full blown bug    must find my vitamin C  soon    ...anyways, my son made it home today    as usual he hadn't eaten all day, so i whipped up some chili for him    this time i added tomatoes which he hates, but i wanted them along with the green chilis   that mixed with jalapenos makes for a nice hot chilli  ...so anyways, kyle begins to tell me about his weekend and then some    i've come to realize he tells me everything but the details of his sex life   some of this stuff i'd rather not know, but i'd rather he be able to communicate with me about anything, than not communicate at all    i think i'm the first adult relative that he's able to share his life with   remember he's a young man and they sure can talk a lot of bull...lol    blowin smoke left and right   but it doesn't bother me   i know he needs to experience his life as he sees fit    i remember when i was his age, in the military, and doing whatever i desired-i just didn't blow smoke like he does   i was tooo green...anyways, these are the times and as long as he knows my door is always open to listen, that's all that matters    all is good between us....anyways, the day is over    i'm chillin in front of the football game    a busy day lies ahead of me tomorrow   more cleaning and tidying up finally....o yeah, did i tell you, kyle sent one of his soldier buddies to wake me this morning at 4:30am to find his tie and belt    all i could think of was this is what parents go thru? ....lol    and do all children tell everything to their parents?

Chocolate! hand over your chocolate!

it's cold outside   ok maybe a little nippy but not really cold cold    i had to run to Walmart for some coffee filters   had to create my own this morn for coffee   so i headed for filters and some more wood pellets only to find they had closed the garden section at 8pm   i was a half hour late   i have enough pellets for part of the nite and will pick up some more manana    anyways,   i was craving chocolate   have been for a few days now   blue about being blue and can't seem to get over that hump at the moment   so i decide on Baskin Robbins   Hot Fudge sundae with Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream   double the fudge   hmmmm   hmmmm goood!...so while i'm out and about, i begin thinking about M again    now awhile ago i wrote an entry on the love of my life, but deleted it   it was about M   briefly she is a friend in my Bible Wisdom class    she was in my Foundations Class as well this last spring   well back in september, i suddenly found myself attracted to her (it snuck upon me   i wasn't lookin for anyone)  wonderful woman    anyways, i think she's straight (heterosexual) as all get out, therefore i wouldn't ask her out on a date (respect for her own sexuality)   anyways, she winks at me everytime i come to class   i've been figuring she's just saying hello   well Tjnya today implied again that maybe there's more to it that just that   granted M doesn't wink at anyone else in the class, but who knows maybe this is the way she greets her friends?    i don't know    i've been flustered for 2months over her and finally let it be that she's just a good friend...until Tjnya's chat today...well i still desire to let it be and if i should discover anything else along the way, then i'll say something    so what do you think j-landers?   should i ask M about the winking?  let it be?   ask her about her sexuality?   let it be as friends?   whatever will be will be   i love her friendship and if that's all there is to it, that's ok by me    we'll see in time    in a couple nites i'll see M for the first time in 2weeks at class   first time since letting it be as friends as well    i'll see how i react to her and her winking....

well, today, was basically another lazy day    i took yesterday off as well   again blue about being blue   damn blues!   anyways, i was suppose to clean today   Pat my realtor came by, but she isn't listing the house til friday   she'd rather get some more repairs done before listing    so i have tuesday off and can clean then    i have done some laundry and picked up my bedroom    after Pat's visit for couple hours, i took a nap    then i watched a couple real life crime shows   really intense   made me question whether to still continue my criminal justice degree    i've been thinking of studying metaphysics instead anyways    i would like to be able to utilize my degree in some way once completed    having my illness i'm very doubtful i'll be able to be employed anywhere in the criminal justice fields    with a metaphysics or new thought something or other degree i can personally grow from it as well as use it at church   i'd like to be a Practioner there (sorta like spiritual counseling)    these thoughts have been on my mind this past week especially thinking of my retirement and what will I do once retired?   what will my illness allow me to do?   unfortunately it dictates my life often   it's a PAIN IN THE ASS!    i'm still processing this rollercoaster ride i'm on   i even recognized that whoever the love of my life will be, she must be pretty damn special to be able to handle me and my illness    it gets really ROUGH at times   it's enough for me to deal with let alone having a lover to go through it with me   she must be very strong, not panic, and be supportive    but having a lover will be gravy    i'm ok living alone and being alone, but still prefer a partner in my life   so i'll just see what life holds for me in that department    i'll always at least have one dog   my kids now fullfill my life completely with their unconditional love   they are a woman's best friend!   

for now, i trek on.....dying to be retired...ready for another life....God will show me the way   all in time....God Bless you all for your support and friendship:-)!

one saturday eve

kyle just dropped in for a moment    he's been gone since yesterday doing army guard duty weekend   i'll see him tomorrow nite   he briefly mentioned finding an apartment but they won't allow pets   i love my son    he does try really hard   i've been afraid lately he hasn't grasped his responisibilities in life so i had a little chat with him the other day   at least i talk with him and not yell & scream at him as other family members would do    he's a good kid and is doing his damnest to get work so he can take care of himself    it's just hard on me a bit    i'm not accustomed to having a son to take care of   especially a hungry son    well i spent my last penny on groceries today   think it'll last us a couple weeks   if not we'll be back to p & j sandwiches...lol     i'm going to miss kyle when he's gone   i didn't think i would ever have such a relationship with one of my nephews    he'll be in town and i'm sure we'll hang together from time to time-unless he goes active duty    we'll see what life has in store for him   last nite while he was home for a moment, he informed me that the guard denied his request to join his unit in iraq, HOWEVER, they're going to see if they can send him anyway along with another unit    i have my ideas as to why he desires to go, but won't ask him until he's gone and come back    i'm proud of him regardless   he's going to make it in this world despite some difficulty in his childhood    must let him know that soon too   he's a good kid to be a mother for    i look forward to the day he can be on active duty, not so much for me, but really for him for he Loves the military and it suits him well    i gained a lot by being in the Air Force at his age   once he's active, i'll try to convince him to stay for 20yrs or more   wish i had myself   it can be a great career, my heart was into going to school   i'm still workin on that, but that's ok too    Life always deals us cards we're not expecting   ....in the meantime, i'm finishing up tidying things around here this weekend   we're listing the house monday i believe   i'm anxioius to sell and move closer to the mtns   just wish it was summer   it'd be warmer to move in    and i hope my new place has a wood stove of sorts or fireplace   i love a fire in the winters!   not only its warmth but its atmosphere it creates    my romance for the year....lol

late nite...

it's 8:45pm and i just got home from work-UGH!!!   i went in late, but that wasn't the problem, or was it?   no, it was usual mismanagement of the mail   i fellow co-worker picked up half a route at 5:30pm to deliver, 3hrs worth   they sent me to help him at 6pm   it's pitch black by then, and poor Patrick didn't know this route   even me with some familiarity it was hard to deliver in the dark   Patrick hasn't been a carrier but for a year, if that   he's a great carrier but today he was having one of his worse days as a carrier   i assured him it wasn't him, this was typical management here and 'welcome to the post office'    i'm not even on the overtime list and they had me helping him    so i put in a 10hour day today with no lunch....so for dinner, i'm having coffee with some Bailey's regardless how late it is   and on an empty stomach   i need something to wind down      kyle got home late too, so our doggies were outside for a very long day    right now they're all sound asleep   i just left a comment on my previous journal entry, that i can't even THINK about giving any of these kids up    they are my greatest treasures in life    it just breaks my heart having to depart with them    i'm going to keep looking for a place that i can keep them   the mountains would do it, but i must take care of my health first unfortunately     in the meantime, a friend from work called this morn and gave me a number for the Golden Retriever Rescue place    i will meet with the woman this sunday and introduce Max   they already informed me they can place him   it's just that i'll miss him terribly...so now, i'll go have that drink right now and enjoy watching my kids sleep....

head butt

think kyle and i had our first head butting contest tonite     i persisted with him doing the dishes   he waited til the last minute to do them just before leaving for the nite   he's spending the nite with a friend   i told him the rules today and if he doesn't adhere to them, he'd have to find another place to live   3 simple rules:  1. pay rent   2.  contribute to the mess, u will help clean up the messes around here  3. GOLDEN RULE!   don't lose Charlie!    he doesn't do drugs or get wasted here so there were no rules necessary for that   he has decided finally to go active duty into the Marines   he'll be working on the paper work to release him from the Army Nat'l Guard    i told him i always have thought this was the best course for him, but waited until he realized it for himself    he really is good kid mostly, just typical rebellious teenager at times   ...in the meantime, i'm lookin for a place to rent in town    coming to discover it's going to be difficult to find a place to rent with 4 dogs   i may have to get it down to 2 dogs, but i'm saying a pray that i find a place to allow me all four    i hate giving up my dogs for any reason, but if i must, i will find two another home    i know i must keep Jimmy and will be flexible with the remainder   i don't desire to even think about it at this moment   wish me luck in my search....until another day   God Bless...take care