Tuesday, May 10, 2005

tuesday mornin confusion

Good mornin yall   it's tuesday morn and my confusion was created out of a bad dream   i made a note on it so i can discuss it with my therapist in a couple weeks   i realized this morn after the dream that i think when i was in the gay life it created more confusion for me adding to the confusion from childhood   in my young adult life, 18-30, i was in the gay life   i thought i was gay, but always questioned it   i dated men initially, but found myself with a woman  anyways, when alone i always questioned as to whether i was gay or not   about the time i was ready to date men again, my illness took hold   so i didn't date for a decade and then started dating men   i'm not confused anymore as to my sexuality, but sometimes i have this re-occuring dream which i won't go into details because it would take another whole entry   it relates to me being 'gay' sorta, but i know that is not Truth for me anymore   i've never been happier with a guy than i ever was in the gay life   i just wasn't happy there   i knew this years ago before my illness   now i can just be karen and not have that expected 'role' put upon me....so anyways, i really didn't begin this entry to indulge into that   i'm happier now than i've ever been in life   ...what this entry is for i wanted to share something from a book i've been reading a bit , Courage  The Joy of Living Dangerously, by Osho   i don't know who Osho is but i picked this book up in our church bookstore   his introductory totally blew me away and i thought this guy was crazy, but as i've dived into the book he has some great insights    here is a tidbit which i really love:

"The way of the heart is the way of courage.  It is to live in insecurity; it is to live in love, and trust; it is to move in the unknown.  It is leaving the past and allowing the future to be.  Courage is to move on dangerous paths......Heart is the future; heart is always the hope, heart is always  somewhere in the future. Head thinks about the past; heart dreams about the future.....My responsibility is toward my heart, not toward anybody else in the world.  So is your responsibility only toward your own being."

what igot out of that was to live with your heart   allow your heart to be your guide and direction    for the heart always knows the 'right' path for each of us individually   if i listen to my heart in lieu of analyzing everything, i'll know the answers   it is my head, analyzing, that gets me into trouble   the heart is the soul, your spirit connected to the one Spirit (God) who guides you   so this tells me to listen to my Heart!    how simple this is   ....this book is more than i thought   i'm glad i picked it up:-)

affirmation for the day:   On Living in the Present

I live in the urrent moment, releasing the past to its place in memory and focusing on today, fresh and new.  Now is all there is.  I recognize the goodness of God in the now moment and rejoice.  I accept the many blessings of each moment as I live it.

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